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What is the secret ingredient for a Happy Marriage?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Oct 11, 2012.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi ladies and gentlemen

    What is the secret ingredient for a happy marriage?

    You all know that marriage is complicated. We all want happy marriages, but we don't know where to start.:idontgetit:

    All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love.:idea Good battle is objective and honest, never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership.

    Before marriage, I thought love is the key for happy marriage. If both the partners love each other and always think about the comforts of the other, their marriage life would be none other than a heaven on earth. But unfortunately, after a period of troubled marriage, I learnt the truth that a good marriage needs not only loving couple, but also supporting extended family members (at least not a trouble makers) as our lives (at least in our context) is somewhat mixed with relations/people other than the spouses. :thumbsdown

    Although we know that a couple should prioritize themselves first in a marriage before they think about others (or their comforts), but in reality, when things mixed up with human emotions, and social customs, we end up giving away our marriage strategy for someone else, and losing the attachment.:notthatway: Unfortunately, such hiccups comes at the very early stages of a marriage, when the couple really need some space to bond.:bang

    In most of the cases, it is only possible for a man to think and prioritize for his wife and kids (family) after the death of his mom:hide: (or settlement of his extended family members), which makes him lose at least 10+ years of his initial marriage life with his wife. At last, at the age of 40, he tends to live an actual married life, but what's the point? Witsend

    Yup, it is possible for the couple those reside outside of their homes - at least with minimal contacts with their in laws. But it is ridiculous to think that I should leave my home and country in search of a happy life, by fearing the extended family members?:notthatway:

    I am not talking about the families those still remain happy because their extended families behave civil and decent within their limited borders.:clap What if you have a nosy PIL or parents? How do you or your spouse handle such relatives by balancing your emotions, social customs/expectations and responsibilities.

    Thanks in advance for your valuable thoughts:)
     
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  2. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    several ingredients, actually. compatibility, space, respect, shared values and a healthy sex life!
     
  3. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    To a man respect is most impt. To a woman, love is most impt. My hubby also hates to be compared to other men. Similarly women do not like to be compared either. Healthy sex life is extremely impt apart from..care, concern and most importantly trust. Financial transparency is also impt..if there is transparency and he spends on his family, I will not be concerned and vice versa..it's only when a spouse does things without informing, then there are problems. However, financial transparency is not for all marriages..some are extremely unreasonable, hence it's better not to share. I am a bit shocked after coming tO this forum and learnt that some husbands keep all financial transactions and investments from wife. I feel it's not healthy.
     
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  4. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    To handle nosy in laws, I just nod my head to whatever they say but later I will just do what I want. After a while, they give up.
     
  5. DGcreative

    DGcreative Platinum IL'ite

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    Lucky u......I've tried this nodding business but MIL has not given up yet after 3.5yrs....shakehead

    will keep trying :thumbsup
     
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  6. sumaramesh

    sumaramesh New IL'ite

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    For me it is Love, affection for each other. Couples should be like friends, who can talk/share
    anything on the earth, ( Luckily i can talk/share with my dh anything and everything )

    It is total responsibility of a spouse to learn that marriage is two people walking together till end of life, all others
    are secondary, only when they get this kind of attitude can they care,balance extended families..
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Yup, you are right. Companionship, friendship, compatibility, trust, healthy sex, financial stability, and transparency are the main ingredients for a happy marriage.

    But I am just curious to know, it really matters to have all such ingredients, when there are sets of very cunning, witch type of in laws or parents? As long as the children (the couple) do not understand what exactly going on, no matter what best qualities they have, their marriage will be a big roller coaster ride. JMO though.

    I am saying this from my own experience - We are financially well established, transparent enough with everything what we did, had a tight affection towards each other, we were very think friends before/after marriage and of course shared a very healthy sex life. But unfortunately, our marriage life was not so happy, and at one point it has gone next to divorce too. Well, here the root cause was my in laws, and well of course my husband's confused state of mind - he was not sure whom to believe, after seeing so much dramas at home.

    Whereas I have seen many couples, whom are just the average of all the above ingredients, yet still sharing a great life together. I doubt whether the reason for a happy marriage in our context is having a reasonable in laws? or a supper husband who could stand up for his wife against his parents?

    Well, there are husbands who does stand up for their wives against their moms/dads? Even my husband too did the same just after 4 years of marriage, and he is now with me. But it did not make any wonder in our already troubled life.... I mean, any one would stand up for their new wife against their loving moms?
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I tried this for sometimes, and then I gave up, but not them. How far someone could nod their heads? There is a limit for everything right? For example, my MIL forced me to abort my first baby, just because her home loan is not completed that time, and she didn't want to lose/share her son's (my husband) pay ch with us.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Do not take me wrong. To be frank almost all the couple know this right? And almost everyone want a happy life too. Except a few unreasonable ones, the majority get married to life their lives happily. But the thing is, when some responsibilities suddenly fall on their shoulder, and that too forcibly thrown to them by their very close relatives (say, their parents), it is not too easy to ignore or leave them just like that.

    Since you are living in the same country, and mixing with the same people again and again, you some how bound to satisfy your close relatives (again, parents) to some extend. You can't easily say no without breaking their hearts.

    because of the fear of breaking the hearts of the most respected ones (parents), they take their spouses unconditional love for granted. they (mostly the husbands) tend to believe that they have plenty of time to satisfy their wives in so many other ways, but for their moms, its already too late (as they are elders), and they have to do it NOOOOW.
    It basically takes almost 10+ years to understand the reality and get this kind of attitude, but it is too late ne?
     
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  10. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel husbands role is impt. Just for eg, my mil insist on something, I will just ok I will consider..then I discuss with hubby and we come to decision..then he will tell his mum we are doing like this. That's it. Of course sometimes we take her suggestion and implement it and she will be happy. Mil insisting on abortion is so cruel, my mil was always bugging us when we will have kids..when we were newly married.

    I feel that husbands must handle their mums, not us as dils. Initially when I was not aware, there were lots of misunderstandings. But slowly I learnt that when it comes from the son, they accept but dil cannot hve say...it's ego..these are for moderate mils, I dunno about the extreme ones who are so cruel.

    First u make a list of what are all your frequent fights about, how to avoid them and manage them better.
    Then as I always say, increase the bond b/w u and hubby...show him concern, do something nice for him each day..without expecting anything back. Slowly, he will realise that it's u gonna be there for him forever, not his mum. If he is emotionally blackmailed by his mum and. Picks on you..u just say, oh poor mum is feeling insecured. Throw the thing back to her-like she is feeling that way. Don't badmouth her. Slowly, he will know how to handle his mum. Ensure that the time he spends with u and kid is v enjoyable and he will not be able to live without u. Make him want u. Just my opinion on what worked for me. Everyone has faults so don't keep picking on him...he can't just forget his mum cos that's how fillial Indian men are.
     
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