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What is the reason behind inlaws issues???......pour in your thoughts...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sridivya, Feb 19, 2010.

  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Absolutely. Bad people make bad dil's. Bad dil's usually go on to become bad mil's. Why? Because they lack compassion, kindness, and the common social skills the rest of us have. Some seem to think that mil's become bad from the wedding day. I feel they are probably just bad PEOPLE to begin with and hence naturally make bad mil's. Likewise, nice people will usually be nice dil's and nice mil's. Unfortunately our culture seems to magnify these traits.... our culture can bring out the worst of the worst in people because there are so many loop holes to act badly (i.e. parents sense of entitlement, dowry, woman leaves parents house idea), but our culture also shows the extent to which people can be good and loving (i.e. new wife dealing with inlaws abuse because of love for husband).

    My mil isn't a bad mil. She is a bad human being. Her family hates her, her inlaws family hates her, her neighbors hate her, I hate her, my dh is disgusted by her and she has NO friends. Now does that scream... bad MIL or just plain out bad unlikable human being? My bet's on the second one.

    In school we all knew who the bully was. And at work we all know at least one arrogant diva queen. Or the neighborhood know-it-all or holier than thou type. Well ladies... where do you think those gals go? Eventually they get married and become evil dil's and have kids and someday become evil mil's. Their evil traits didn't spring up from the flames of hell, they had them inside ALL ALONG. So all of us who are talking about our evil mil's... probably if this forum existed 30-40 years ago, there would have been a bunch of boy's parents on here telling a familiar story about their HORRIBLE dil.... (our future mil). :bonk
     
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  2. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    VERY IMPRESSIVE ANALYSIS ............ASG!!!!

    I agree, the people with all negative thinking we see today who are of our age group, very much make tomorrow's bad MILs or FILs. Bad people do not fall from sky, they are among us right now and are affecting lot of people now and will harm some one much younger in the future too if they do not realize and mend their ways.
     
  3. feduptocore

    feduptocore Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Sri Vidya.... you've opened a hornets nest... there are so many interesting and varyi ng analysis from all the posts...
    your question: What is the reason behind inlaws issues???... is an age old mystery in human relationships... I really wonder when the answer will be found....:spin....
    Unlike ASG and few ILs I believe that there is Good and Bad in all of us its unless we are put into a certain situation do these traits surface....It is our self control which allows the good or the bad side of us to surface.
    With nearly 16 years of marriage and sharing experiences with friends / family and reading the posts in IL, I've arrived at a few scenarios which may lead to the answer...:bowdown
    scenario- 1
    DIL--- is always considered an OUTSIDER...... time and again we have read here on this forum that the DIL is unaware of the plans/ intentions and doings of the "insiders" of the house (which she has to consider "HOME")... so she turns bitter/ helpless and resentful...
    this naturally needs an outlet and so the "BAD side" takes over... creates petty fights.. etc... tries to create rifts bad mouths in-laws to DH and sometimes is successful in alienating inlaws from DH
    scenario -2
    MIL /FIL ---- insecurities sprout up once the son is married ( specially if love marriages) the other women in his life has sprung up and so all energies all diverted to get attention. All below the belt means are sorted to and so that the son is made to feel obliged to make his parents no1 and his wife and kids no 2 in his life...this is also to overcome his guilt???(whatever that means)
    scenario -3
    After marriage DIL tries to fit in... PIL try hard to make life miserable for her so that she can't... there are few attempts from either side to put the other down... clash of words..each one standing their ground... slowly life moves on.. invariably DIl will accept the PIL as a unnecessary evil in her life.. learn to overcome their antics.. I think most of us are in this situation...

    I think its just human nature that we are cannot share our dearest possessions (in this case.. son's affection) with any other...we all crave undivided love and affection from our dearest ones ...its something like some dogs are very protective of their owner and snap at anybody who dare come close to the owner
    This I think is this basic animal trait in human character which causes all the problems behind any inlaws issues...
    what say???
    K
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2010
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    :rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl
    ASG I cant control my rolling... :hatsoffto your analysis.

    Now am forced to dig out how many more people hate my MIL, however before I find any of that she herself hates someone or the other ranging on a scale of 5- 10..

    Earlier her own SIL used to remain on hit lists and now its me.
     
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  5. Confused211

    Confused211 Gold IL'ite

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    Who says that parents behave better with their daughter's ILs than son's ILs and get more respect from their son's ILs than their daughter's?

    I think my PILs treat my mother with more respect than my brother's MIL does, and my mom and PILs treat all of their kids' ILs the same way. There may be differences depending on how much they like the actual people. That's just who they are. Now, respect given to my SIL's hubby vs. me is different. An entirely different matter. They refer to him as "aap" and to me as "tum/tu". Which isn't a big deal, really, I would be very uncomfortable if they called me "aap". Of course, you can say "aap" and be disrespectful ("Ji, aap gadhe ho", vs. "Tu bahut acchi hai").

    I can happily stay home if I wanted to and refuse to work, but let him try that! He can happily leave the house a mess and refuse to clean up, but let me try that!

    With basically good people, as ASG, said, problems may still arise because of differences in opinion. You are, after all, from completely different families, thrown together to make a new family unit. With bad people - they are bad in all of their relationships. They may try to suppress it with others because why would anyone who doesn't HAVE to tolerate it, do so? People who are respectful of others in general will also be respectful towards their MIL/DIL. Unless they aren't deserving of it. Respect given without fear. Not "behaving" respectfully out of fear. And resenting the person inwardly.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2010
  6. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    this is what my MIl wants and I absolutely hates it........ she wants me to be with her during festivals and all the time...... SHe dont even consider wheathr I like to stay with her or not
     
  7. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    I sooo much agree with u.. Every person has good and bad traits.. I can see my own MIL being the sweetest mom to her children and harsh wicked person to me..

    And the last thing what you've said of animal trait to be possesive.. I bend to that :bowdown .. I do understand that it is particularly difficult for parents to let go off their son and let him give his wife No.1 priority in his life.. More so for the mom because she would have dedicated like 25 years of her life for the upbringing of her son.. Mother is usually more emotionally attached to the children than the father.. She would have sacrificed so many things for her son in that course.. I bet that mom's (especially in India) give highest priority to their children , more than to their husbands, their married life, more than themselves!!..

    But on the other hand, the wife , whom the son marries trusts her life with this man, have children with him, demands highest priority be given to her and her children..

    But my opinion is wife has more at stake in son's married life than parents..( I assume parents are fine and healthy and can take care of themselves, both spouses are alive)..
    Then that man should be giving more importance to his wife than just listen to parents and let them run all over his wife.. He should respect her space as well..
    Again another scenario can spring up.. Wife having her own insecurities might try to run over old PILs.. Try to cut them off from getting their son's support.. In this case wife has to be stopped from making PIL's life miserable by the husband by laying down proper rules..
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2010
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    One thing I don't understand...

    We all keep saying that seperating a son from his parents is TERRIBLE, that a mother CANT let go of her son because of all she has done for him, that letting children become independent is just sooooo hard and nearly impossible for a mother..... then how is it that parents let go of their GIRL children all the time? At that time there's no mention of how hard it is to let them go after "bringing them up". Basically all this mother's "love" for son is really a mask for posessiveness and greed. Because if it was LOVE... then wouldn't it be equally hard to let a daughter go as compared to a son? If both are loved equally, then why is one let go so easily, while the other is not?

    Also, I think it's weird that women would give more importance to their children than to their spouse. I think the priorities aren't straight in that situation. If children are more important than anything in life... then why not just skip the marriage process entirely and simply adopt the millions of homeless children wanting a parent? I'm so disgusted when people only view marriage as a baby making enterprise.
     
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  9. archana2008

    archana2008 Gold IL'ite

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    - insecurity.
    - when a marriage takes places, it is important to understand how the girl becomes part of husbands family.
    - acceptance is very important from both husband and his family.
    - not being too much attached to parents after marriage on both sides.
    communicating too much, tell parents how happy you are.
    but not letting out everything from both girl and boy is important.
    donot start saying how can we not tell parents.. do you discuss about your night life with them NO right. they why discuss other small personal things which grow up into big things.
    - forgiveness - very important. not all are perfect. so just forgive and forget
    - trying to bring change in people is also part of problem.
    if someone is not tolerable, move aside and live your life instead of making everything around nasty.

    These are few reasons i could think of :)
     
  10. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Firstly, let me clarify that i am not taking sides here.. I am just trying to reason out the possible causes of friction between the MIL and DIL.. I am not vouching that anybody is good or anybody is bad.. Because i feel goodness and badness is very relative term..

    Another correction
    It is not about becoming independent, it about giving another woman higher priority than his mother..

    Parents definitely do feel bad when the girl gets married and leaves them.. But then our tradition has it well ingrained in their minds that they learn to accept it.. Similary these days the boys parents also accept it , just that there will be friction before accepting reality in the boy's case.. Now, why the friction is partly to be blamed on the tradition and indian culture where the DIL is expected to gel with the in-laws.. Let's not dig into how correct this kind of a tradition is?.. Even i know there are flaws in this kind of a tradition but let's accept that it existed in India till recently and in some places even today..

    Parents love both sons and daughters equally.. But they dont get a chance to meddle with son-in-law as much with daughter-in-law.. Again customs of DIL expected to 'gel with in-laws' causes this inequality..

    May be u can say this but not the middle class indians about 25 years ago.. I'll give u an example from my own life.. My MIL has 4 children, FIL was in a govt. job not with much higher pay.. It was hand to mouth situation for them.. My MIL never went to restaurants, never spent much on her own sarees or jewelry, some times even never ate dinner (during month end) but made sure her children ate full meals.. She did all this to save money for her children's education..
    Not just my MIL but i'm sure several women have done this in india.. So i mentioned that they gave higher priority to their children..

    Now, whether to have their own children or to adopt homeless children is the decision they would make.. You and I are no one to thrust our decisions on them right..
     

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