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What is the reason behind inlaws issues???......pour in your thoughts...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sridivya, Feb 19, 2010.

  1. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    The abuser is generally the one who was abused, once upon a time....
    And usually he does not abuse the one who inflicted that pain on him but targets the innocent.
    Haven't we heard this so many times??.....though we all know it is very wrong and should not happen but that is what happens.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Good point...I totally agree..I have seen good no. of DILs who are given the bad badge!! They slowly separate the husband and grand kids from inlaws and husbands side relatives...even when go to visit india...they stay 2 days at inlaws house..They dont like to go n visit husbands side relatives...dont want to leave kids at inlaws house...however, inlaws of such DILs just crib and complain to their relatives, friends and neighbours but on the other side they will keep quiet thinking if she doesnt care for us its ok, but atleast our son is happy with his family..I know it sounds really helpless..but such inlaws who are bothered by DIL react like this...I have not seen these inlaws react or be revengeful. (might be I have to see yet :ideaabout someone who is revengeful on such DILs) because most of it is only through actions no words here...no conversations or discussions...DILs behaviour might have come from their upbringing or might be some remarks or actions from inlaws...here the husband does keep contact with his parents and tries to find balance by juggling b/w both of them.


    But on the other side, when it comes to inlaws abusing DIL, the abuse starts from ridiculing her looks, dressing, behaviour, cooking style, pooja style, house keeping style, her parents, her brought up, ...all this is very verbal and outright comments straight onto the DILs face. Again the husband here is calm...he thinks his parents are gods and elders and they are right..so inlaws take over the full control of abuse...but here the DIL cant do anything...(just like the inlaws above) all she can do is keep quiet and keep bending over or begging her husband to understand.Worst cases I know one of our IL member her MIL calls up her son and coerces him to beat the DIL as her parents said something or did something or the DIL said / did something....some husbands do open their eyes...and some dont...some DILs get vexed up and separate..finally inlaws win..they tell their son..WE SAID SO...she was not right for you:crazyby the way such inlaws put on a mask of being GODs for their sons...thats the reason why the son feels his parents are right..

    Sometimes I wonder, why do we complicate things...So if our EGO is not satisfied, do we want to totally demolish the other persons life???Most of us say we do not have EGO , we are very understanding DILs/Inlaws, but when the situation/time arrives we all fall into that EGO trap. Might be doesnt matter elders/youngsters everyone should be given lesson on what is EGO and how to gain control over it.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
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  3. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    SriVidya, Just sharing some family stories here.

    The case of arrogant, bad behaving DIL is my aunt (Dad's younger brother's wife) who is just 10 yrs older to me. Dad and his brother have lot of age difference since they are 10 siblings in all, dad being the eldest.
    My grandpa helped this uncle a lot, way more than he stood by any other son be it education, finances or guidance in any matter. Lot of things happened but just cutting short, grandparents used to take turns living with each son in different places. But they could never ever live with this son after he got married. Within the first year of marriage, one fine day, this aunt threw grand pa and grand ma's suitcases out and asked them to get lost and never come back. Poor old couple had to stay that night at some relative's house till they could contact their other kids. Now, when all the 6 of the DILs were fine and could get along with the inlaws this DIL found the same behavior funny and ill-treated them to the core. All she ever says is she cannot adjust to their lifestyle and wants them out. That house is infact my grandpa's which he gave this uncle. See the guts of throwing them out of their own house. My uncle does not find any of his wife's behavior wrong, instead goes to any extent blaming his parents blindly.


    My mom's side relative's story. Husband wife had some arguments and wife left the house and went off to her parents place. Later, the couple cooled down and called each other and the wife wants to come back but you know what? The FIL would not allow her to get in. Both couple lived separately for 5 yrs and finally divorced. I mean, see that FIL's cruel behavior. How can someone do that to their own son? In this case I blame the husband, he should have moved out instead of listening to his dad but he preferred to separate from his wife than displease his dad.

    All wierdos in either side......I say!!! :rant:rant
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
  4. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Oh, I can fully empathize with your grandparents about the youngest dil from hell. My parents also have the son & dil from hell. I include son here because he is far more to blame than his wife. His wife was unknown to us before he got married, so I can understand her lack of interest or empathy in the well being of our parents. What I cannot accept is my brother's attitude. He is completely under the control of his wife and her mother. The two of them dominate him and he is totally hen pecked.

    Ssd thing is he was the favorite child. Everything given to him was always highest quality, be it education or clothing or housing or even wedding. I, the daughter, had a simple wedding but my parents and uncle went overboard with his wedding much to the surprise of even our relatives. My parents even into debt to fund his every desire and he was spoiled rotten. When he didn't get into professional college by merit, they spent lacs of rupees in capitation fee to get him into one. This money was actually allocated for our family business but it was diverted into this fellow's education. When this same business failed about 5 years ago and my parents had to sell everything (including house, cars etc) to pay back creditors my brother (earning well in US) didn't send them a pie. I, a married daughter, with permission from my hubby had to send money to help them with even day-to-day needs. My brother started arguing with them about how he cannot help them because he has his own needs to take care of. Now, my parents weren't asking for thousands of dollars, just maybe 100 dollars a month to help with housing and medical costs (Rs. 4500 pm). This my brother could very well afford as he himself boasted about his paycheck.

    It gets worse. Many years ago, my uncle (unmarried brother of my father) took out a life insurance policy for a large sum of money and named my father and my brother as beneficiaries. This was when my brother was still in his teens and we did not know how he would behave a few years later. When the business failed and my brother showed his true colors, my uncle esp was heart broken because my brother was like his own son to him. In fact, my uncle was more considerate of my brother than his own brother (my father). So, he was worst affected by brother's behavior. Sil also used to make comments to the effect why uncle has to stay with my parents, why he was adding to expenses etc. It was none of her bloody business. Uncle is my father's surrogate father, philosopher, guide, and business partner. My brother never told her to shut up and not talk about our uncle in this manner. As soon as uncle realized about my brother and his wife he wanted to change his insurance policy but to our great tragedy he died in a road accident en route to our native place within a year of the business failing.

    That year my parents, especially my father, went through hell. You know what my brother and his wife did when they came to know of uncle's death? They wanted their share of the life insurance policy proceeds! They claimed that they also have a daughter now and they wanted to ensure her future (with insurance proceeds from my uncle's demise whom they did not even respect! SHAMELESS people).

    I am stopping here now because I am in tears and getting too emotional. So people who think that only inlaws are bad and dils are lily pure - obviously you must have suffered some grave injustice at hands of bad inlaws for you to think so but please dont. Evil dils are very much around. It is even worst when son also becomes a pucca joru ka gulaam and nods his head to his wife's unreasonable demands. Is it any wonder that elderly inlaws become insecured when they end up with these dils from hell?
     
  5. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    I can understand what you are going through. Have faith in God.
    All will be well and you always try to support your parents since that is what they need now.
    Your brother will also have to go through all that pain he has inflicted on your parents and uncle. Remember all account will be settled here on earth, there is no separate heaven or hell, everything is here and you will be paid back the same way before your last breath. No body can just get away with that kind of attitude and inhuman behaviour.

    'Uske ghar mein der hain, andher nahin'.

    Can there ever be a greater criminal???
     
  6. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi anuradha,

    Pl consider the idea i have tried to present as a whole.. pl dont interpret a sentence and claim it is wrong..

    My original post was :
    I meant to say this attitude could cause the in-laws to treat her like an outsider.. If taking credit stops there itself then no one would have a problem with it.. But if it goes further that they alone are beneficiaries and not the son's wife then it'll create a problem.. As in if in-laws think that they alone are beneficiaries of the son's love and affection, of his earnings, of his success etc.. They could go to any extent to keep their DIL away from their son.. It is the precise reason why there are threads here like 'DH and PILs investing in property in India but not keeping DIL in loop' , 'In-laws coming home after a decade but not even informing DIL' etc ..

    Ok.. with this i meant they can take bit of rudeness, nasty behavior from their respective parents.. I didn't mean that a husband will accept nasty behavior from his wife's parents.. Like the wife does not owe anything to her in-laws, similarly even husband does not owe anything to his in-laws..
     
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  7. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    From what I have been reading on here in several posts, sounds like the in-laws problem (especially MIL and SIL) is an epidemic among Indian born women. I never realized this was such a widespread problem with Indian women in arranged marriages ( and evidently even in non arranged marriages from what I read). I do not have firsthand experience of this and I am very independent and protect my space and territory very fiercely LOL.

    Maybe Indian women should learn to isolate themselves from in-laws when they have their own lives and families to run and be independent. I am chuffed to bits about my parents but I would never let them invade my space when I have my own life now and nor would they even remotely try anything close to that to meddle with my life. My in-laws are the same and I keep a healthy distance between us to let them know my space is very important to me. And grown men siding with their mum and siblings against their own wife sounds really childish and ludicrous. You are a grown up man for Pete sake, so start acting like one and get your priorities straight LOL But I am really amazed to read how widespread this problem is among people of Indian ethnicity since I cannot relate very much to this in my own life.
     
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  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Malvika I guess you need to read more deeply at IL,
    ASG is US born n bred & still she got enuff troubles and abuses.
    Again there were many posts from ladies in US / UK/ SG etc with common or bigger issues.

    There was a lady from UK whose DH took her pregnancy allowance and is not allowing her to see her parents even in 3 yrs.

    Also not all Indian born ladies are having troubles, many have been successfully able to isolate themselves from pain factors of their life.. esp those who can earn & went separate with or without their husbands. Still in India going separate is a huge battle and it takes it toll sooner or later.

    Also countries like US/UK have proper old age plans & support mechanisms and people are less worried.... still there are 1 OFF cases shown in AXN where an old person died and there was no one to worry about him and the whole house turned into a maggot den, his kids refused to come on camera in fear of bad name, state had to sell his house to pay for cleaning drive.

    many people are lucky enuff to not to be with wrong people at wrong time & I guess ur one of them :thumbsup!!!
     
  9. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Shilpa

    What I meant to say was Indian ethnicity women in general have this peculiar in law issues which is not a common thing in other cultures. Yea, I kind of got the idea ASG's woes with her in-laws and she was born and grew up in the US. I have friends(of Indian origins) here in UK who I went to school with me and these are women who are born here and they still complain about in-law problems and intrusions. But in general, this seems like a very common epidemic in Indian marriages from what I gathered here.

    Working things out between two people is tough enough in a marriage and it does not need side shows like inlaws, parents etc who seem to muddle up the puddle LOL. I just do not understand why in-laws play a significant role in making or breaking a marriage in Indian culture in general and it does not need to be that way. In-laws visiting you for a few days or generally enquiring about how things are is ok but them coming and squatting with you for months or years or try to remotely run your life thru phone calls and web meetings is certainly not ok in a marriage :rotfl Just seems like too much bloody unnecessary stress and pressure to please in-laws and live by their standards when you are married. And mums of the husband staying with you and influencing the son to divorce their wives or leave them or any other nonsense along those lines is definitely not ok.

    As if working things out between the couple is not enough, all these distractions are ludicrous and perhaps the Indian women need to learn to isolate and insulate them from their extended familes and their influence LOL
     
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  10. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    i'm sure our moms, MILs too went through this animosity/DIL syndrome.. if not every single woman but most of them. At least now, this generation, we have an outlet, if economically independent and some support from parents a legal solution. I cannot think and imagine how the women of a generation past went through all these. Was it because 'adjusting to in-laws and forgetting your parental home' so well ingrained in their minds that they just learnt to swallow tears and live through?

    I think in most families the problem is not just the insecure feeling, possessiveness, old-age fear that creates such issues. it's the 'my son, my heir' thinking that leads them (esp the MIL) to think the DIL who enters the family is sort of a slave with no emotions, sense whatever. among many other reasons, one particular aspect that made me move a bit farther from my MIL is when she declared 'you're good for nothing sitting and eating on my son's salary'... the wife, companion these things simply don't exist in their dictionary, sadly!

    Latha
     
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