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What is my SIL greatness? Am I unable to understand anything?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by maddysweet, Mar 7, 2016.

  1. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

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    Hello All,
    I am really loving IL site coz i am able to connect to the relationship issues
    people having and how they are thinking. so i am realizing it is not just me
    having these problems but there are so many people. Also i am able to realize
    seeing others suggestions.

    I thought of posting in Inlaws forum but since this is most famous, posting here. Please respond with your inputs, also if any questions.

    I am married for 11 years and have 2 kids. This thread is not about a very major
    problem but its definetely bothering me a lot.The issue is about why my SIL
    considers herself to be so great infront of me.

    i meet my SIL once in 1 year or so,in every visit
    - she shows lot of attitude and behaves as if she is superior to me, irrespective
    of me being no less than her either in looks or job or at cooking.
    - behaves proud(Intial visits made fun of me, when i got upset she became quiet)
    - boasts abt herself for couple of hours(job and hard working, cooking)
    - my husband definetely once says, see how my sis is doing you can learn this
    from her.

    I dont have major problems with husband or inlaws. But their self boasting
    nature, trying to dominate me ( do like this, cook rice like this, cook curry
    like this and they want me to sit and keep listening.they all want to sit on

    sofas expect me to cook and even serve them.SIL, MIL FIL from the time of marriage just love to dominate me, boss me. They want to give me lot of suggestions and boast abt themselves.For the first few visits when they behaved i kept quite, later i started expressing my husband and he would obviously fight with me. atleast in these years MY FIL MIL have realized and changed but didnt see any change in SIL even today which really shocks me.

    Here are the visits i had with my SIL , her status at that time and the way she
    behaved.

    1st visit
    Status - she was well settled with working in full time job, her husband also
    very good career(they both not on talking terms) where as we were 6 months old in USA. But i got job and i only showed job to my husband.
    - she boasted abt her job, her greatness etc
    - she made fun of my cookings.
    - she said i was too thin.
    - many suggestions on each and every thing.
    my reaction- as i was new, i kept listening abt her job etc but when she made fun
    of me being thin. i fighted with husband coz my SIL is short, dark and no sharp
    features, the only thing she feels great abt is her figure which no one praises
    coz she is so short and just keeping good figure doesnt make her look any
    attractive.where as i am tall, wheatish with very sharp featuresbut i was thin
    that time.my husband obviously supported sister and said that i am really very
    thin and worth of her criticism.I felt so so bad that he feels his sister
    criticizing me as the correct thing.

    2nd visit
    Status - Same as above but was in horrible fights with her husband and her hubby beated her.we went to console her.she didnt even look at my face and only talked to my husband and told him infact i wouldnt have to come coz she didnt feel good infront of me.I was trying support hubby and her I called for next 2 weeks to enquire how she is doing. she talked minimal normal with me, next week she gone to INDIA with hubby coz they were decided to getting divorced. I was shocked to know she left India and asked hubby "she didnt tell me talked last week". My husband again scolded me saying , you dont need to call her from now etc. Thats it i was emotionally hurt and decided to not keep any friendly relation entire life with her.Heard abt her thru husband for next few yrs. few times she called i too talked very minimal. coz by her not reciprocating my concern i completely understood that she will never become close to me emotionally so decided to keep her at distance.

    3rd visit
    Status - she planned 2nd kid. and i was having 1st kid.she was high in spirits
    saying her husband is all changed and they bought a big house. she again
    praising abt her job as she is senior now etc.It was 4 yrs may be i was also working without break.from her 1st visit till now i was also continously working with my pay increasing,My husband even had break in job but not me. GC was filled on my name coz my husband was on breaks.So when she started boasting abt her job, i didnt care. she got angry. I gave her one suggestion on how she can get rid of her pimples and she got so angry on me and kept mum face.so then i strongly felt, she felt so bad when i gave suggestions then why the hell she giving suggestions to me. wont i feel bad.so that visit i politely started giving back to her on denial when she would suggest me.

    my son born and her son born, 6 months my MIL, hubby would compare on how well she taking care her son and i should learn etc from her, we had horrible fights.
    The comparison started that my SIL took only 2 week maternity leave when her 1st
    kid born so i should take 2 weeks. Now for 2nd kid she is taking coz she is full
    time employee. but since my 1st kid i should take 2 weeks only. I too fighted
    badly for their bad behavior on me and my hubby literally were not talking. my husband wasnt helping me, on top complaining that i was not taking care of my son properly.It was torture of my life. he treated my parents badly.

    my great SIL who was reason of all these fights coz she boasted all lies abt
    herself and made my hubby feel that i am not doing better job in taking care of
    kids.another side fighting with her husband saying that my brother takes care of
    wife and you not taking care of me. she had problems that her hubby meets with
    his relatives more. The fights were so horrible that went till divorce. one day we got call she decided to divorce her husband her 2nd kid was 9 months old.so now you can imagine, the lady so much high spirits and boasted how great she
    is, she does great planning etc.She made my life unbearable and me and my husband had fights. But in her personal life she took divorce after 2nd kid 9 months old. where as the reality is she is very selfish lady, she couldnt tolerate her husband showing affection on his family, was constantly fighting with husband. she behaves same sarcastic proudish infront of husband due to which they always used to fight. she would go on job business trips leaving their daughter at husband for 1-2 weeks. During that time she wanted her husbands brother family to take care of daughter but when she dont need them she would insult them.

    but my husband would never agree sisters fault coz my husband is also same kind of person. uses people when they need, after that dont care. he behaves same with my sister. when required for baby sitting he drops my kids at sister house and other times fights with me on why i invited my sister for dinner.

    4th visit
    Status - Her status Divorced with 2 kids.
    my MIL, FIL and herself self boasting on how she handling 2 kids
    being single mom. Also that she stays at night coz her son doesnt sleep. I said
    yes even i dont sleep at nights but they dont respond. Even when my husband said yes she does all work my SIL keeps quite.
    So its not just she expressing her hard work but it is like always boasting how great she is, how much house work she does, she became very strong and her muscles are now toned up due to her hardwork. In reality i do more housework and she does less. so when i tell her all my details she keeps quite, goes away from there.

    5th visit
    she was single mom with 2 kids.
    My status - I got GC on my name, also my hubby got thru me. I had 2nd kid 6 weeks and was working 12 hours. we were planning for house. she was completely quite in this trip seeing me working hard so much with 6 weeks baby and we were having new house. she was low inside coz she dont have house now and divorced but didnt show me anything. But she didnt utter a word that abt my hardwork anything. when some topic comes of doing house work job, she says she did more than this making my hubby get an impression that i am no good.

    we had few more visits like this on and off.

    Last yr shocking visit --
    status - she married a divorced guy who has 1 kid. the guy she married dont have
    job its been 1 year and dont have any money. the only thing that guy has is good
    looking and he talks very sweet.
    my status - 2 kids. me and hubby managers with big house.

    now the shocking part of this visit is - Very over confidence of my SIL,very very
    high spirits. In one discussion she says " she is matured and more intelligent than anyone in entire family" she became a senior manager and will now raise
    3 kids and support husband who got GC thru her. she is sole breadwinner of
    family.
    she looks down on me and in talks compares me with her colleague and says for
    silly things ladies complaints where as i have hard worked so much.
    In this visit i was cooking , taking care of all kids. she was roaming with her
    husband and dont care abt kids.she doesnt spend any time with her daughter who
    became very close to me. also her step son became very close and i enjoyed my
    entire time with them.i would wake up do breakfasts etc for all, take care of all
    my and her kids. go2 work also.she woke up at 10 am one day and doing exercise
    sitting infront of new husband.

    my husband says - sister why dont you give your secrets of exercise to my wife,
    she is struggling to loose weight after 2nd kid.

    i am like.....whatttt....seeing your sister who is neglecting her own kids, at
    the age of 40 roaming with new husband leaving kids behind. divorced the 1st husband out of money minded mentality and ego, married a guy with 0$ coz he is tolerating her proud behavior.
    Is she really that great to be praised infront of me?

    ladies i am wondering, where am i doing wrong.i dont expect my hubby to tell me i
    am great but even today for a given chance he want to show me less infront of my
    SIL.so what is that makes her to be proud infront of me. why she considers great
    infront of me. Is there anything i am not able to realize.
     
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  2. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    IMO,rather than the comparisons or boasting that your SIL does,your husband comparing you to her is not acceptable.Tell your husband clearly that you do not like such comparisons and the next time he compares,you will tell all about the GC,she not taking care of kids in front of SIL.Even if your husband does not support you,let him not compare you with her.And you need to tell this to him everytime he compares.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your SIL's greatness is that even without living with you, and only visiting about once a year, she is able to cause so much trouble in your mind and marriage.
     
    sindmani, Vennella, pear and 14 others like this.
  4. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

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    JGVR - I completely agree and did the same. He says whats wrong in following someone suggestions, it will help you do better.
    See this is the kind of behavior i get from my hubby behaving as if i am not doing a very good job in job or housework or kids, he thinks i can do a better job.

    my hubby, inlaws, sil want me make me feel that i am no great and have to keep hearing their suggestions. coz i really need improvement in myself.
    and they are the great cheffs, great in career and great in parenting.
    Really it gets so stressfull.

     
  5. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

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    Rihana,

    I never talk abt her with my husband. Only beginning few yrs of marriage i had arguments with hubby and would question him why they say she is better than me. They never had any answer but my husband would say, why dont you just listen to SIL and keep quite.
    Then he started saying, you trying to separate me from my sister so creating mess. so i completely stopped talking abt her. and let him plan get together every year.

    Last visit was shocking coz she was so proudish behaving in my home. I cut her discussion off when she started that she is senior manager now and have some 4 people working under her etc.
    My husband asking me to do exercise like her was like the shocking thing and i felt people dont change.

    now another trip is going to come this summer so was thinking how to behave.

     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    put your foot down for the things which you don't like,

    that's where the difference between you and your SIL.weather it's good or bad,she is able to get her way.

    If you like the way you are then ignore rest and lead your life peacefully.

    If you don't like the way you are and your surroudings the put your feet down and you don't have to do things to please anyone.
     
    sindmani and maddysweet like this.
  7. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

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    I know it feels very silly to compare and i myself dont like saying "see i am great than your sister". so this topic is not discussed entire year thats why i said this is not major problem.

    when my SIL visit and i tell immdiately to hubby abt how she talked
    "see your sister was saying like this, why she talks like that".
    First few yrs of marriage my husband would yell " You trying to separate me from my sis" .In past 4-5 yrs he just divets topic.

    But the moment i know they coming. the past starts coming into my mind and i feel very restless. I do enjoy lot with my SIL daughter and son,but at same time cannot enjoy their trip due to her behavior. It is once a year but for 2 weeks always.
     
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I couldn't read through the whole OP, but you give your SIL way too much real estate in your head.
    And your DH is a large part of the problem. He needs to knock off the comparisons. I would start with working on that first.
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...your sil is great because she has a brother who is willing to show his wife down to make his sister look great.


    You have been so busy hating your sil's guts that you do not realise that your problem is your husband ,not her.
    The guy is such a jerk that he is never satisfied.
    He has a wife who works 12 hrs six weeks after giving birth,who is willing to take on all responsibilities when he is on a job break....and even entertain his sisters three kids along with her own ....and he is still not satisfied.

    Your problem is this guy.Sort him out.
    And tell him to try shooting a child out of his pee pee and then he will see how he can do with just two weeks of leaves.what a massive jerk!(I am sorry...but there in no other word I can think of)

    Op...your senior manager sil can get leave every year to spend at your place.Can you too?
    When she comes this time...you plan your vacation and leave for your parents or sister's place.Let his perfect sister manage the home, him and your kids.Put her perfection to some use.
     
    sindmani, pear, tcbhuvana and 7 others like this.
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP,

    The SIL does appear to be of a petty competitive nature, insecure and looking to feel good by making others look inferior. Your husband is not very tactful at nipping the comparisons in the bud. But, these are silly enough for you to deal with - either with a short, polite, calm, pithy rehearsed reply, or by just removing yourself from the situation.

    Why are you slaving away so much? Why not do the minimal and leave it at that? You work, so you have a good excuse.

    "roaming with her husband" - not a nice thing to say.
    "she doesn't spend time with her daughter"- so? you do your job as the hostess, and leave it at that. You don't have to make the care of all children in the house your responsibility.
    "her daughter and step-son became very close to me" - big mistake. Never become or appear to be more affectionate to a child that his/her parent.
    "she is doing exercise sitting in front of new husband" - tells something about your mentality. They are on vacation, and it is her brother's house. What is wrong with waking up at 10 am and doing exercise in front of husband? If it is meaning more work for you, fix that. Such a comment on her wake up time, and how/where she exercises is not nice to read. Probably your expressions also showed the distaste.

    You cannot be part of a competition without your consent.
     

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