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what is happening? what to do now?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by himabinduu, Jul 29, 2014.

  1. himabinduu

    himabinduu New IL'ite

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    My best friend directed me to this site. I live in US for the past 14 years. I used to work but recently quit my job. I am visiting India now, it is been 3 weeks. Everything was going smoothly, until my DH came here last week for a visit. We have 2 more weeks to return to US together. He is always behind his mom, never leaves his home. He won't even hug me in the privacy. He is quiet with me but always talks to his mom, he never sits beside me but fine to sit beside with his mom. Because of this one night we argued and his mom overheard it.
    I told my DH that we have only 2 more weeks to return to US. I have to visit some of my relatives and shop for the house. So I will go back to my parents, it is easier to do things over there. My DH agreed. After overhearing me and DH argument other day, my MIL is taking liberty to discuss all the things with me behind my DH. She never used to do that before. We used to speak to each other minimally. She came to me when my DH was not there and asked me if my kid can stay there while I was going to my parents place. First of all I was mad that my DH never stays at my parents place. I don't know what came to my mind I said, your son(my DH) is in his 40s and not ready to leave you when ever we visit India but how can I stay away from my little kid. Then she said she will not come to my house in US when she visits her daughter in US. Which is non relevant topic to discuss. I said whenever she visit US I loose peace of mind. After that my DH came and dropped us to parents house. He was unaware of this conversation.
    I don't know what went behind me at MIL's place, from next day my DH was not as usual. I guess they must have had a nice discussion and he might have gone through some brain washing. They both called and spoke to my sis and told her to advise me. He told her all the petty arguments/fights we had during our life together.
    Me and my sister are not close to each other all our lives, only recently we started to bond. My sister did not even tell me clearly when did they call, what all they told. She sat me down and talked to me like talking to some newly wed uneducated girl. She took my MIL and DH side and bashed me. She accused me saying my MIL is nice enough to call her and tell her to advice me! she could have barged in to my parents house and accused them. she also told me that my MIL could have married my DH to someone else!!!! (nonsense). She said you have to follow Indian culture, be submissive and all. I got furious and told her that she never was my well wisher and I don't expect anything from her. Now I am not in talking terms with her. Also, I came to know that my MIL told my sister, she will visit my sister's house. She told this to her the same day she told me that she will not come to my home!! how mean!! divide and con quire rule.
    Next day morning my DH appeared at my parents place in furious mood. I was quiet. I was the one who should be mad for going through that. He got irritated and told me that he will give me my passport and air ticket(it was at MIL's place) and I can go back to US all by myself. He will not come back to US. I am scared to death and lost all the hopes. I am in my worst days. Then today morning he came back again and is not in a good mood. He said he may extend India trip few more days. He will give me my passport. What should I do? My brain has become numb. I am shattered and my best friend and parents are consoling me. My mom says he is just threatening me.
    I was tired of feeling lonely in US and was enjoying holidays here. I have lot of relatives my parents side while very few DH side. DH and his mom always make my India trips miserable so that I don't like India now. I told my parents that after I return to US I may never come back to India until my MIL dies. Majority of Indian women are still in a bad shape. They will go through all the hard times just because of social pressure. It is hard to believe that if they can do this to me who is just visiting, what about dils who lives here? I spent almost half of my life in India and half of my life in US. What will I do if I end up staying here? I can not tolerate constant nagging from everyone. The first thing I want is freedom, without it life is miserable. What should I do now?
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2014
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If I were in your place...I would enjoy my vacation . Your husband has extended his....you do the same. You are not working.

    I think your parents are right. Your husband would be a fool to throw away a long marriage for a stupid tiff between you and his mom.Make your child talk to your husband daily . Behave normally.Talk to your husband normally. Tell him to inform you about his programme so that you can co ordinate .

    Avoid mil and your sister for the time being.
     
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  3. vijikrish

    vijikrish Gold IL'ite

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    Just leave by yourself to US. When you get back to US pretend nothing happened and search for job. Ignore your MIL and Sis...enjoy your vacation!
     
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  4. JustLikeYou

    JustLikeYou Gold IL'ite

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    Enjoy your vacation and extend yours further for a month or so. You plan your trip and let him plan his trip. after going back to US get back your job. act as if nothing happened.
     
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  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Your husband is bluffing. Instead of pleading him to come back with you , call his bluff. Just say as you wish , you can stay as long as you want. He wants you to plead him maybe. Coming to your sister she is not a well wisher. keep your contact with her just hi how r u . She is using your in laws and husband's call to make herself feel superior to you.What she is talking is sheer bull ****. What age is she living in. This incident shud be an eye opener. Keep the door of communication closed with your sister. Your mil is trying to make trouble for you. If your husband postpones his trip , say so be it. I will go with the baby. Is it so easy to take on the spot leaves nowadays anywhere to extend trips. Dont worry, enjoy in your mom's house with your baby. Good Luck.
     
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  6. hope2b

    hope2b Silver IL'ite

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    I am not sure how long you have been married, nevertheless I think you should go ahead with your return. Let DH know that all the years of relationship and kid he would leave just like that for a small tiff, then let him be your guest. Be brave and act as if it doesn't bother you at all. Send him an email about how sad and childish it is for him to ask you to go back alone. He will follow you soon. When you are back home, sort the differences out.

    I also feel that you might be angry on your sister, but its alright, she is still family. I dont think you should burn that bridge.
     
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  7. sangeeG

    sangeeG Silver IL'ite

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    i Would suggest you to call your husband outside maybe beach or some nice restaurant and discuss the things.
    There is nothing which cannot be solved by discussion.
    one cannot enjoy when some misunderstanding is going on.
    If you leave to US now the gap will still be more.discuss what happened and what he is thinking. I think he is been misguided.


    so talk and settle things and go together to US.
     
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  8. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    Extend your stay along with your DH. Meanwhile you both go out (away from both sets of parents and relatives) and discuss the issue and resolve it.

    I would suggest not to fly back by yourself. Dont go to your in-laws but stay at ur place.
     
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  9. kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

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    y wud u start a argument on how much time ur DH spends his time with his mom? .. as u guys r visiting for a few weeks he must have spent more time with his mom.. y wud u be upset with that...

    if u at ur mom's place, i dont think u will be spending time with ur husband, rather u wud want to spend time with ur parents...

    u shudnt have made this minor issue into a big fight.. u have unnecessarily created a rift between u and ur MIL and let some one else come in between..

    anyways just enjoy ur vacation, extend ur vacation and be normal with ur DH... spend time with ur parents, DH and ur kid and enjoy the vacation as much as u can...
     
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  10. himabinduu

    himabinduu New IL'ite

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    Things have calmed down now. My DH is picking up our son mid morning and bringing back him in the evening. Then he is going back to his mom. We have visited India so many times from 3 weeks to 3 months. All the time he is like that. He sticks to his mom all the time. The thing that bothers me is she makes him different person altogether. He gets in to male dominant mood, running behind his mom, cribbing about the small mistakes I make or made in the past.
    Every India trip is like going to court for me. He brings up all the past fights to judge. I know his mom is the main instrument back of this. This time they pulled my sister also. So I am very disturbed. I keep thinking about all the nasty things she said and getting depressed.
    I value all the inputs given by you people on this form. Actually you made it look like it is not serious as I thought before. Thank you for that. I am thinking how to act like nothing happened when I go back to US. Every time I regain my trust about my DH and he does this again and again in ever India trip. Also my MIL may visit end of this year and that is also bothering me so much. Every visit she has created so much stress. She may or may not come to our house as she said it
    herself but my DH is so adamant. I don't know what will happen.
    kanthtx - the rift was already there bet my MIL and me because of her manipulation and cunning nature. I didn't create it this time. This time she pulled my sister and parents too.

     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2014

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