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what is happening to me?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sonika1976, May 6, 2010.

  1. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    I want to know if I am going crazy or something. I am taking your suggestions very seriously and thanks to you, my life is getting closer to becoming peaceful.

    On the other hand, i feel I dont want him anymore. You know what i mean? I have become almost prone to detesting him. He was the one I was craving in my life so much, that I was willing to marry him just by meeting him once. so there was a spark and there was love initially. Worse so, mine is a love marriage so falling out of love is so very confusing to me!

    This feeling became worse after his parents came here. Whenever he asks for sex, I resist. I dont want him close to me, I dont want to sleep with him and i'm quite happy with the distance. I am willing to get out of this marriage to find love. Am i that desperate? or his ignore and neglect has made me this way?

    You know what i am saying? Now even if he is willing to take that extra step and work towards binding us together, I want out. I dont have a spark anymore with him, I find him so unappealing and I just just detest being in his presence. I prefer going out myself or with my child and having an outing without him. My friends are shocked too!

    To give you an example of 2 days ago, he came to me for sex. Kept touching me, kissing me and I just slept there and let him do his thing. After he was done, I got back to my emails. I have never felt so cold ever. Its like I just go to him when he wants, lie there just because he asked for it. I refuse many times also but am i getting abnormal? or our marriage has to be tossed ?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 6, 2010
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok so you loved him and liked him the moment you met him, so its love marriage for you, but in general, how did you meet him? through parents or some marriage alliance ??? so isnt it an arranged marriage??? I understand when women say they treat it as love marriage because they liked the guy at the first sight, however as you know love should be reciprocated..and for him it may not be a love marriage but purely arranged and might have married as per his parents wishes:bonk
    Bottomline..Love/Arranged doesnt matter after marriage..all that matters is the compatibility of the couple, and how they work out on the issues and disagreeements.

    Soni

    I have observed this in your past posts and I had to re-read few of them before I respond to your current post, as I see this trend of you getting emotional, feeling rejected and most of the times you get into this hypersensitive mode. You have these extreme way of handling your emotions, which is making your current marital living situation more difficult day by day.
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/88033-feel-so-used-right-now-4.html#post1129168

    Few days ago you were upset that he doesnt touch you or come near you..now that he is coming again its a problem for you to reciprocate. You said you started imagining actors in your dreams etc..but now that he wants to be intimate with you, again you are feeling emotionally disconnected by bringing in all the past.

    I would say just give it some time. cool down. analyze your own emotions, as I find you as an extremely sensitive girl, and you have to work on your emotions to have a happy life. not all the time we get what we want, but when we get what we wanted, pick it up and make the best out of it. Talk to your husband. Tell him how you felt lonely and dejected all this while. How you thought might be you both are on the verge of separation/divorce, Tell him all this as your fears (not as decisions). Ensure you dont get into accusing him or verbal fight with him. the way it should be is..pouring your heart out to the one whom you loved at that first sight. how you dreamt of leading a happy life with him. When you open your heart out, dont expect him to answer all your questions at that moment. Just give him time to come back to you.

    I understand when the person who had hurt us all this while, when they come forward and apologizes, the first reaction/tendency would be why did you do that??? no I am not ready to forgive you ....but when you have put in so much of patience and work into this marriage all this long, why leave it now, when your patience and work is paying off. :ideaThink about it

    As I said in my earlier posts, you got to work a lot on your own self. You are too emotional, extremely sensitive, you analyze every action of yours and his and worry overit and beat yourself up. Not worth. Take it in a lighter tone sometimes. find humour in life. makes it easier to live.

    By the way , why dont you both go to a nice comedy movie or a evening outing. just keep things normal and see where all this leads to. Above all..keep a check on your emotions. (Past is past. Dont keep brooding over it) ensure past is not repeated by putting in the ground rules now(i.e convey to him on how you wont take his abusive words anymore or suggest if you both want to go toa counsellor to understand each other better, each others expectations and complaints and concerns). (by that I also mean pls do not plan for another baby untill all this mess is sorted out)
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2010
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  3. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    I am sure other IL-ites will give you many useful suggestions.

    But I dont approve of him doing his thing when you dont want it. That too me is very wrong. He has not changed to be sensitive.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2010
  4. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    You have reached or are almost reaching "Point of no return" in the marriage. you are almost dead emotionally with this person. its not healthy for the relationship or yourself. Having physcal intimacy and all is secondary. The relationship is reaching a dead end , unless you do something to either repair as couple or get out of the relationship, which may not be easy though.

     
  5. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    I agree with you vidhya, almost seems like you read my mind.

    Planning for another child is not even in a remote area of our brains. I feel stuck right now. You remember how I had told you about me starving and you had told me not to do it? Do u remember that I had told you, even if i eat I feel like throwing up?

    This is now the same I feel. I am so scared of these abuses and torture that I feel, what if i give in and make things normal and the same things happen? I am already having high blood pressure with him and inlaws. Two more physical fights and I think I might lose my life!

    This is where i am struggling, he gets intimate after i give in and for the next months..he is the same monster. Then again for 2-3 weeks he will try to get physical and again he will be the same person giving me the silent treatment, threatening, abusing. 7 years of this same pulling in pushing out. Can you tell I have lost it now?

    I have talked to him but every communication ends before it has even begun. Believe me, I cannot hold a conversation with him without it ending up with him fighting. He will either roll his eyes and make expressions like a mad woman is talking to him :((

    I dont know why I am feeling I have given up trying. Up until few months ago, I was willing to give this marriage a shot but now I feel drained and almost to a point where I feel I trapped. In my heart I know I should try harder. Honestly vidya, I dont know what is wrong to me and how do I get myself away from these feelings?

    PS: I rented a comedy movie and he "didnt" watch. I watched it by myself. Great suggestion though, i enjoyed it but "alone"
     
  6. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Sonika,
    I do not remember your previous posts.. But stumbled upon this post of yours you made around 6 months back.
    According to your post it seems like you are still hanging on to your X while stuck in this marriage circumstantially. Is that so?
    Is this one of the several factors that had caused the disconnect between your husband and you? If your heart wants onething (be with someone) and you are working on to get something else (stay in the marriage) - it does not make sense, especially when the 2 things are mutually exclusive and extremely conflicting. The efforts may not yield the desired result.

     
    Last edited: May 8, 2010
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    So could you post here, what is it that makes you be in this marriage? just come out with the thoughts in your mind and heart, all your fears and plans and what is it that is making you still stick around in this marriage instead of walking out atleast now?? are you afraid of anything/anyone? or are you expecting he would change/he is changing? do you remember how long you have been in such marriage?? what is the end result you are expecting from this marriage/him? what is the % of you having that end result? and on what factors?

    please write down things about why you want to be still married to this man, am sure when you start posting here, you would get more clarity too meanwhile it would give us your point of view to understand why you are stuck in this situation?
     
  8. sabarimathi

    sabarimathi Gold IL'ite

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    Sonika,

    I'm typing this mail after reading y'r other thread too. I feel that there is some tactics missing here and there which would otherwise make y'r life smooth. But, this particular thread and the first post makes me feel as if there is no problem. But, before i say something, i would like to hear the answers for a few questions of mine.

    1. Is there any good point that u see in him, if at all there be any ?
    Reason as to why i ask this: u say that u love him so much, perhaps from y'r previous post.

    2. tell me abt y'r own temparement.
    Reason as to why i ask this: sometimes that could instrigate ppl.

    3. Does y'r dh take care of u , or y'r baby? if so, how. Just think and answer.
    U said u had rashes / flu or something like that.During that time , did he take care of y'r baby? Even if the help was v. trivial it is ok, pls do mention.
     
  9. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    @mstrue Bingo! yes i cut all ties with ex or memories with him after i married. I just closed that chapter of my life and went on with my husband. I started thinking about him more often when i realized this marriage was this way.

    A temper tantrumed, hating his wife self as compared to my ex who would take a bullet for me. I started thinking about him more and more when I came to my senses what a mistake this person was and how unhappy i am. That i deserve love like many other girls my age and affection which is so lacking in this marriage.

    As a newlywed, I would make the first moves...ask for intimacy, kisses, hugs. I would be confused that why a man who has a new wife wants just sex and no affection. i tried and tried up until i dialled my ex. I would talk to him (he was unmarried at the time). The day he asked me to leave everything and join him in new york, I stopped talking to my ex. All this time thinking I have an "obligation" towards this unaffectionate person!

    @srividya

    what is it that makes you be in this marriage?

    vidya, i honestly dont know. I feel so crazy saying this but honestly dont know. Digging my heart, I think the following factors thats still tying me,
    divorce a taboo in my community, how will relatives handle it? my child needs a father?I wont give my husband the custody? He will fight for custody if i go back...pros of his 6 figure salary..will i be able to give my son all that luxury? maybe just afraid of the "single" status.

    are you expecting he would change/he is changing?

    I dont see any positive sign of him changing. yes he will be good for 2 days then back to same monsterness! all he wants is sex and if he gets that once in 6 months he is good. Then it doesnt matter for him if i am deprived.

    do you remember how long you have been in such marriage??

    7 yrs same mess

    what is the end result you are expecting from this marriage/him?

    I do love him or rather i used to love him. Which is why I had a child with him as I wanted our family complete. I wanted initially to grow old with him. Wanted him to care for me when I am incapable, sick. Want him to understand that I am not a machine and cannot do everything even when i am sick with flu. I want him not to call me insane, mad retarded in front of his family and outsiders. I want him to be by my side when the world laughs at me. I want him to calm me down when i am upset. Most of all like today, mother's day...i shouldnt have to search the internet for free things to go and get tomorrow. I shouldnt have to be threatened everytime like a child by everyone in their family.

    what is the % of you having that end result? and on what factors?

    He has to change and by that i mean big big time. He has to make me realize i am his priority. I should sometimes be cared for especially when i am sick. I shouldnt be expected to be a 24/7 365 day servant who also is forced to find a job outisde. Most of all stop the name calling, rude remarks and atleast appreciate one out of the ten things i do. I mean the only time i see him smiling and happy if i am going for a job interview :(

    I am not a saint by all means. I have a temper and extremely sentimental but here everything i do i am yelled at. Even if i talk to my friend or relatives I am yelled at. I cannot talk to anyone or even take a vacation or go anywhere for a break. All i am asked to do year in year out is household chores, babysitting and cooking. I get very depressed like that. I need someone to talk to but every friend who calls here is offended by him. my sister in law was also told why she calls here and to call only when he is at home so he can monitor. I feel like a caged bird. My outing is grocery shopping, school, contract work...thats it! When i say i want to go to my home town he says he hasnt gone for years so why should i?

    I wanted a partner who would atleast once a month hold my hand and tell me i am pretty or say he loves me a lot or atleast be a listening ear or even be a support for me. I want to be loved for once without having someone a hidden intention of sex :( Today i am in tears because I think i am closer to the thought of leading this life without him

    @sabarimathi

    hi...thanks for trying to analyse

    1. Is there any good point that u see in him, if at all there be any ?

    he doesnt womanize, gives his money to his family, stays at home and doesnt sleep with women around. doesnt do drugs or smoke. doesnt beat me anymore..thank god for that medical report against him. he pays our bills. has been taking care of me for 4 yrs while i have sat at home. Inshort, again taken care of financial aspects. Eversince i had the accident, he does the dishes.


    2. tell me abt y'r own temparement.

    I am very emotional. I get angry very fast and cool down fast. After i fight, be it my fault or not, i go to talk and say sorry. I stay very depressed because i get very scared of him. i am very short tempered and bring up the past in all the fights. as in, how his family hates me, how the wish bad on me etc.

    3. Does y'r dh take care of u , or y'r baby? if so, how. Just think and answer.

    Financially yes. Now recently i had the accident, he foot the bill. He got his parents here because he wanted someone to babysit but didnt bother to get me out of the kitchen or ask how i am. He gets panicked if i fall sick...just as many women whose servant doesnt turn up in the morning.

    He fights if i have a temperature so I dont tell him even if i am sick. I work in fever also so many times in fear he will fight. He tells me I will get the kid sick now, i should sleep seperate, i should go to dr and cure myself fast. I was very proud that i dont fall so sick often but now I am very weak as I dont eat much so always sick. That he doesnt like...calls me weak...only bones...look ugly etc


    too sad to write...see u friends soon
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Society, relatives are not going to bear the physical and mental torture you are bearing by living in this marriage isnt it?? moreover why do you look at outside when your inside is not happy?? Coming to child custody, your kid would have both father and mother in his life just that they wont live under the same roof . I explained this before also, if you separate it shouldnt be like the kid is his or mine..the kid should be ours...not one persons sole property remember that. By the way if you think his 6 figure salary would make him get the full custody of the kid, thats wrong, rather he has to pay alimony and child support to you (which can be discussed later more abbout this) but forget about giving luxury to the kid, but the kid needs a mature and happy environment to growup as a good human being. If the kid grows up in this present environment, if its a boy he would turn up like your husband (which is really a danger again) and if its a girl she would turn up like you bearing all abuse and indifference from her husband in future as she saw her mom doing the same (is this necessary??)
    So please stop reasoning out your fears and giving it the name of kid.
    Last but not least, if you stand up and move out and say you wont take the crap anymore and put down your foot on what are your expectations from this marriage and from him, what if he comes around and mends his ways?? why do you think you are going to be single/? even if you are single isnt it a better thing than being married and daily fighting and resenting him?? is it doing any good to you oryour health or living situation?


    Soni
    Arguments do happen in every marriage. All the time no one would be happy. But it shouldnt be like handful of good and life long misery, its supposed to be the other way round,life long happiness with handful of miserable moments. So thinka bout it. Your mental status is clear indication of living in a abusive marriage, as you LOST your self confidence. You dont trust your own capabilities and importance.


    What is your current visa status??? If you can work full time, please pick up a job quickly a full time one, not a temp or part time one. Then move out to a diff. apt near by to your office. Tell your husband that you cant take all this pain anymore and unless he changes/mends his ways you wont come back and you are also ready to put a fight with him if he makes this more complicated in court. TEll him that you want him in your kids life and the kid should have both parents. Suggest for joint custody and see how he reacts.

    REally please enough of you giving excuses. 7 yrs of marriage and you imagining some guy in dreams, being forced for intimacy, husband insulting you and name calling you infront of his parents, what is the point in living with this guy for such long time??? you are just making the situation more worse by giving him the chance to use you as and when he wants!!! so whose fault is it?? if you dont buckle up and put your foot down , dont expect him to change. He wont and he cant as he doesnt see anything wrong in his ways/behaviour , as you are still living with him for such long time.

    Moreover If things didnt change even after 7 yrs, I dont expect him to change any sooner, just that slowly you would go insane and give up and surrender to him thats what is going to happen down the line.

    So think about it . STOP reasoning your behaviour with luxury for kid or being single etc.

    Again you can whine and complain all your life. But if you want some change only you can bring it in by taking control of your life. Yes many might say, divorce has become a common suggestion lately, but I would say, there are some tough situations, which demand tough decisions. If someone is not able to move out and take control of life and say they dont want to spoil the life of kids, I would say give me a break, because...by living iwth such abusive people, you are spoiling the life and menetal sanity of kids as they would think your family atmosphere is the right one! as thats where they grew up in. So dont give reasons for your incapability to take action. Divorce/Living separated for a while is not a tough/easy decision for all those who are in that situation. But atleast some where they buckled up and said they wont take abuse and being used and protected their self respect. I really dont beleive the words where if a husband takes care of you when youa re ill, but beats you up black and blue, is he right??NO way...We have to judge the over all situation. Not isolate situations and judge the living condition.

    Again think about what I said. You have to really start taking control of your life before you loose the rest of your own self (You can already see your own self analyze how you were when you were married and how you are now??? scared for everything? no freedom to even smile or talk to anyone?? no financial freedom? cant bring up kid with the values you beleive in as your husband owns that part also? down the line you both would have rifts on pareting too as he doesnt want you to talk at all, what if he starts insulting you infront of your own kid??) Think about it

    Last but not least, if you atleast start taking action and work towards your happiness (instead of thinking ifs and buts) automatically change would come with in, you would realise how happy you wouldbe when you are free to do what you want and be happy with your own self, and who knows might be your self confidence and ability to take action might bring in some change in your husband, even if not...you already would have had control of your own life and your life would be in your hands instead of someone who just uses you and doesnt care for you or your feelings. I would be happy if my life is in my own hands instead of someones hands who doesnt know what I want. We have all the capability and resources in our lives to bring happiness and live our lives happily, just that we should know when to stand up and start working for it
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2010

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