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what if no misunderstanding to more understanding transition?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Renu1999, Jun 15, 2010.

  1. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    I saw previous thread stating misunderstanding to more understanding .. .I must say that it is a very happy ending.
    In my case there is still after 7 and half years of marriage still misunderstanding I dont think more understanding will happen ever? Because as I tried to explain and get along with my MIL as her ego and controlling mind is never seems to change. She couldnt agree /tolerate that it my husband and it is our life. she still insist that it is her son and she has brought him up so she knows what he wants and she will continue to give suggestions for him.
    My husband tried to balance between both of us and I should say he failed and he agreed that we both are immature and he couldnt do anything about us.
    Any body here had same situations like no understanding happens between you and MIL? what is happening because of that?
    In my case because of that my husband is terribly sad that we are not getting along well. If I completely agree with them or go along with their decisions everything is good . share your stories and give me your suggestions do I have to mend more ?
     
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  2. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Renu,
    Completely agreeing or not depends on what it is you are supposed to agree.. the situations, decisions etc. Situations, People are unique. So not many one size fits all suggestions there. But I can suggest one thing: Just make sure that in the process of conveying (words and/or actions) yourself, the relationships do not strain too much. Also try to see the big picture with any issue. I know I am vague here.. but one has to be in your shoes so they do not come across as insensitive to you or downplay your hardships if any, So I am just scratching the surface here. :idea
     
  3. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    Renu,

    I don't think there is any solution to perfect understanding and harmony. Even if you try to be subservient and agree to everything your ILs say - to maintain peace and to appease your husband - how long can you continue that way? You are an individual with your own likes and desires, so constantly nodding along to everything dished your way is bound to get to you at some point.

    I think that at some point, we need to start thinking about our needs as well. If you feel guilty and responsible for your husband's sadness over the strained relationship between you and your MIL, then please try to discard the guilt. No matter how hard you try, there is absolutely no way you can appease everyone. Something you do and say might appeal to your MIL, but your FIL might not like it..with a SIL it might get more complex.... Really, there is no way you can live up to everyone's expectations. So, if you can, please stop beating yourself over your husband's unhappiness about your relationship with his family. Its sad alright, but that is something he has to deal with/ come to terms with.

    From my personal experience, I can say that the more you try to please everyone (for your husband's sake or for your own), the more you loose your own peace of mind. Previously, everytime my ILs threw a tantrum and complained to my husband about something I did or said, I would end up taking the blame. Always! It didn't matter if his mother always had a tendency to over-react, or that his brother had a serious problem with his temper - if they were ever unhappy, my husband just had this wonderous knack of making me responsible for it! I finally realized that if his parents or anyone else have a problem with me, then that is something they have to deal with. Not me. So nowadays, everytime my husband comes to me with some worry or complaint of theirs, I tell him that his parents' concerns are his problem to deal with and end the conversation (the same way that my parents' concerns, if any, are mine to handle). If he dumps on me some outrageous rule or expectation of his parents, I simply ignore. No more playing scape-goat for me. I know my husband isn't too happy with my scant disregard of their concerns/ complaints, but if he chooses to be unhappy because I don't get an 'exceeds expectations' stamp from every member in his family, there is nothing I can really do about it. I dont know if it is right or wrong to wash my hands off complaints pertaining to me, but disassociating myself is the only thing which gives me peace of mind. Somethings cannot be mended, we just have to accept it as is and move on with our lives. I cannot afford to spend any more of my time trying to appease his parents/ relatives/ friends at the cost of my peace and happiness.

    Don't bend backwards to try to please everyone. Please take care of your needs and your peace of mind first. jmo.

    Divs

     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2010
  4. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks ladies for your wonderful reply. I ponder so much over it these days as could I have done something better. :bonk. My husband says just say ok and go on and ignore I dont think it work that way. How much I should tolerate and I agree strongly that I resist ed sometimes when they pushed me to do something against my wish. I expressed my wish but nobody seem to bother so I dont have any option but to do it. so it is all strained now and my husband is not so bad (like he wont make me do only what he wants). So I think bcoz my husband is good should I have tolerated them more??
     
  5. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Toleration in moderation is not bad, Renu. :) The definition for moderation must come out of your & DH dictionary. It is ideal if you both use the same dictionary.

    I believe you live away from ILs.. if so, Correct me if I am wrong :), when your DH says 'say ok and ignore' it may not be that hard.. I think. It is not too late.. you can still adopt that policy of your DH wherever applicable and work towards harmony. Like I said, see the big picture.. if it is some minor or not-life-defining adjustment, by all means go for it. If it is major, discuss with DH and execute an unanimous plan/compromise.

    If you see family as a team, I think it will put things in a different perspective.
     
  6. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Renu,
    To answer the above question, i think it all depends on the kind of person you are.. Some people feel happy when they make others happy and some feel happy when their own needs are fullfilled..
    If you belong to the former category, then go ahead and please your MIL , but but but may be you need to put your desires on the backburner.. As you already said MIL is very controlling.. So you might have to stretch yourself to keep your DH and in-laws happy..

    If your belong to the latter, then let things continue the way they are.. It is fine that your husband is good.. If he is really good then he should not force you into bending so much for your in-laws.. In the sense, you dont feel used.. You might not have to sacrifice your sense of individuality so much but that would require some compromise from your husband..

    You have a choice to make.. Think before you leap..
     
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Renu I'm confused with your title.. it should either be:

    what if understanding to MISunderstanding transition?
    good => bad

    or
    what if misunderstanding to more MISunderstanding transition?
    bad => worse

    Re: what if no misunderstanding to more understanding transition?
    "No MIS" in your title is negating so as per your current title you guys are turning from jaggery to jaggery & cashew balls.
    Better to Best...

    Pls correct me if I Misunderstood :biglaugh:biglaugh................... and negation was applicable to full sentence initially posted by True.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2010
  8. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Shilpa,

    Renu meant what if no such "misunderstanding to more understanding transition"?
     

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