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What Do You Think Ladies?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by SGBV, May 18, 2022.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OK, so your main question is "was she rude", not "is it OK to inquire in this manner."

    You contacted her through WA and IG. Before she got to know your query, she asked something like, "Is it important/urgent? You have tried getting in touch through WA and IG both?"

    You found this to be sarcastic. Why not consider it as a normal response? She truly didn't know why you were contacting her.

    If I ping my friend through both WA and regular text, that is recognized as an urgent or semi-urgent situation. Usually the friend calls back as soon as they see it, instead of messaging me back.

    " she replied you should be told by the office not to discuss anything about staff outside office."
    Rude? No. Clear? Yes. She in fact softened the observation by blaming the office also for the lapse.

    If someone makes an improper remark, the responses to the remark are also scrutinized. If she simply says, "I cannot comment on that." it can be seen as supporting such forms of inquiry. To be safe, she has to make it clear that such inquiries are not correct.

    Is there a polite way to say it, I am not sure. Any way it is phrased, it will rankle that you committed a faux pas.

    If it were an employee with no disabilities, I'd say she was more blunt than necessary. In this case, when the employee is hearing impaired, a point needed to be made.

    Your query was "do you know A from country X?" That does border on gossip. You did not ask, "What can we do to help X who is joining our organization?" Your query was to get the dish on A. Sorry.

    No, you are not understanding where you went wrong. You are not getting it. It is wrong to entertain preemptive concerns from subordinates about a hearing impaired new hire. It is just as wrong as preemptive concerns about an employee who's pregnant at hiring time.

    Curiosity is a close cousin of gossip. "Cope"????????? This is exactly the reason such inquiries are not right. People with disabilities do not want their colleagues to "cope" with them.

    No. The intentions were not pure. In the first post, you said "the staff were little upset as to the quality of support we may get down the line."

    This is exactly what people with disabilities must be facing at work. People doubt their performance even before they start work. If the differently able person speaks up about such comments, the comments are turned around and portrayed as "we only want to help you.. we want to accommodate you..."

    Such subtle workplace discrimination is difficult to identify and recognize.

    She wanted to do her little bit to stop such inquiries. So, she chose to educate you about it rather than a simple, "I can't discuss.."

    Even after multiple responses in this thread, I doubt you really get why this inquiry is wrong. Unless one sees the actual exchange, it is tough to say if she was sarcastic, rude...

    Pinging someone twice via social media for casual opinion about a hearing impaired new hire? If you yourself don't see how ... this is, you won't.

    ?? Personal grudge? Jealousy? No. She just had a strong reaction to an improper question.
     
    Anisu, Ruby2019, Mistt and 7 others like this.
  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    If your new colleague is already in your organization then doesn’t she already have the supports in place to do her job?
     
    mangaii likes this.
  3. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    I think it was just a casual enquiry from your side just to know how your ex colleague managed with a team mate who has a disability. Your intention was to make the new hire at ease based on the inputs that you believed you would receive from your ex colleague. However, your friend saw it otherwise, mainly because it was an enquiry received in WhatsApp or IG. Had it been a voice call I guess she would have understood your motive better.
    Many a times our response in WhatsApp or IG depends on our mood at that point of time and so that kind of a response from her.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I can see this thread is heating up unenessarily. I was not in mood to respond, but I think it is important that I need to address a few lines here before it gets misled somewhere else.


    Did you assume that I just pinged her via WA and IC without the query?
    My query was simple. It was nothing, but "do you know A from your country, who is joining us soon".

    Given the fact that her WA and other messaging apps do not work mostly (as I clearly explained, she works in a deep field location & WA is blocked most of the time; hence it is "normal" to contact via available apps.)

    After knowing the query and the environment she is in, her reply was sarcastic according to me.

    And I still do not know why it is a breach of code of conduct to ask someone whether they know someone (A) after all the recruitment process is finalized, and the recruitment is confirmed.

    I think, you guys are imagining an office environment in Indian mega serial type. In practical it is very different.

    Yes. Rude. Period
    Because, the question "whether she knows A" isn't harmful and that is not something to be considered "discussion about staff" outside the office. In fact, I didn't discuss anything about the staff member's hearing impairment or capacity in that inquiry.

    More over she is my ex colleague, a friend, a person in touch with me beyond office matters. So, a casual question "whether she knows A" shouldn't be taken this seriously and sarcastically. It was rude & dramatic to me.

    But, now I understand there are more drama queens than I imagined around us.

    Exactly. On the first response itself, I accepted that it was a bad idea to inquire about an incoming staff member, especially when there is a disability involved in this matter. So, I clearly understand the hesitance behind her response.
    My question is, why being rude. Why sarcastic? Why so dramatic?
    You can simply find alternative methods to handle the situation more diplomatically instead.



    In the same first post, I have explained what I responded to my staff. The post clearly states, I convinced my staff about having an inclusive team and shared my positive experience on how I worked with disabled people in the past.

    From where did you find my intention? Isn't it stereotyping?

    And more importantly, I haven't had a chance to discuss my intention or that of my staff's with this colleague when I messaged her. The message was simple, it was nothing but "do you know staff A" ?

    So, why worry unnecessarily about intentions here?

    Are we seriously directing a mega serial here?????


    Come on..... This is how Chinese whisper works... Oh God!

    Pinging someone twice via social media for a casual question whether "she knows staff A" isn't a crime. Given the fact, the person lives in a post war country where WA is partially banned and mostly not working.
    After sending a message on WA, and when it wasn't delivered I realized this; hence left the same message in IG. Both got delievred a later stage.
    But the message was "do you know staff A'?

    I still do not see... and will not see the mega serial type hype over this simple interaction with a former colleague/friend on this simple query.

    Perhaps you know better.... I wish I will never know this. Thanks
     
    Rihana likes this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    According to our code of conduct, asking a colleague/friend in IG whether they know a person named A isn't a breach.
    I am 100% sure about that.

    It could have been a breach of conduct had I discussed her hearing impairment or capacity or anything controversial. But just inquiring whether she knows A, does not amount to any problem.
     
    Laks09 likes this.
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Guys, thanks much for your concerns.

    The issue was not complicated as you think.

    It was a casual discussion between two former colleagues cum friends on IG.

    I was mad at first when I saw my ex-colleagues response. Hence posted this thread.

    From your responses, I understood that it wasn't a great idea to discuss a new staff member in social media especially the staff is a minority/disabled. So, I understood her hesitance.
    In fact, I did not discuss anything about her disability in the first place.
    This was my question


    I thank for everyone's time, and urge you all to respond to the OP and not to the follow up posts by others. Because I felt, this thread got mislead by a tiny twist by a poster, who made it sound as if I had discussed the in coming staff members disability twice on social media.

    Now I understand how the directors of Indian mega serial get contents for a long dramas.
     
    Rihana likes this.
  7. Thoughtful

    Thoughtful Gold IL'ite

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    Wow my hats off for this response !!!

    The other person involved might never see this support for her, SGBV is a regular member. it would have been so easy to leave the topic after understanding that the OP is not getting it. Yet, you made sure she is educated on what she is missing ( and provide the readers of this thread clear understanding of the essence of the message is ).

    From what I see, this message board is not only about the OP, but the community at large, each and every person who reads this message on the topic. Even if the OP doesn't get it, many others will clearly understand and reflect on this. Although it might seem hurtful for the OP to read these messages, I do feel it is good for her to hear this feedback and unambiguous message.

    This easily is the best post I have read in this message board. Something this IL community should read, understand, introspect. I would pin this message and hope this reaching most people who read this board.

    Hats off to many of the contributors in this thread for clarifying their own thoughts on the topic and adding valuable insights.
     
    Rihana, Anisu, Ruby2019 and 4 others like this.
  8. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Now this is also rude .
    Everyone were working women in many countries and gave you inputs as per their experience/knowledge. They are not women binge watching serials

    And you feel your friend was rude .
     
  9. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    SGBV your title reads : "What do you think ladies" and when many ladies here took time to share "their" thoughts , your replies to them seems like you aren't even respecting/agreeing with their thoughts. You don't have to agree but at least just leave it but not get so defensive.If you thought everyone would support you and say yes you are right then simply putting an appropriate title would do good?

    Anyway contacting someone on IG inquiring about some person is not something I would do and if someone asks me I wouldn't be very comfortable with that. That's my thought.
     
    Rihana, Ruby2019, itzmelvk and 2 others like this.
  10. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Woah, @SGBV, you need to take it a notch down.

    you asked for opinions, people gave it. Just because it’s not the response you wanted to hear, you don’t need to come back with such rudeness. What do you mean mega serial content? You always claim you are matured, a professional and so on, have the maturity to accept an opinion different from yours when posting in a public forum. If you felt that you action is right and your friend was definitely rude and you would not accept otherwise, why even post here? I’ve seen in your other posts as well that when something happens to you and you are upset, you immediately come here to rant which is fine since a lot here know you, anonymously. But this is a FORUM which means discussion will happen. If you think you will cool down in a while and you are not the type to accept discussions which could mean differing thoughts, simply avoid posting when emotional.

    As a senior member, I’ve seen you giving your own opinions many times to others as well. even if they felt an issue was a big issue, you had in your responses talked about it not being a big issue. But you can’t seem to handle it when it happens for your own post.

    Please, have the maturity to know that we can all agree to disagree and have common respect to others.
     

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