1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

What do you think about this situation? Please advice

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Happy10, Apr 4, 2010.

  1. Happy10

    Happy10 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear ILites,

    I am a new member and I need your help and advices on my problem. But let me give you first some infos..

    I am talking to a guy (he is also Indian) for a few weeks. He is a very nice person. We actually got in touch since one of my uncles is a very good friend of one of his uncles (they know each other since their college times in India) So my uncle told me about him, and also told his uncle about me for his nephew. Well my uncle and his uncle think we would make a very good couple that´s why they wanted us to talk to each other to get to know us better and just figure out if we are interested in each other etc. Well, as I said he is very nice person so far and we have been talking very honestly about our future plans, how we see married live etc etc...

    Now here is the "problem". His mom is divorced and he is her only child. They are living in a two-room apartement as he is still studying (two years left) and she is not working. He told me honestly that no matter where he will be living in the future, how he will be living - his mom will always be with him. This is something I can understand. But to be honest I am scared -in case we become a couple and get married -how our married life will look like. What about privacy, and what if she interferes in everything, what if want to go out or make a trip and she wouldn´t want that sice then she´ll be alone at home.... so all these things were in my head, and yesterday I asked him these questions.
    He told me that he thinks his mom will not interfere in everything, and as for going out, if we should go out for dinners/shopping etc she will be there with us as he would feel bad when she is sitting home. He also said if we go for vacation and lets say we make three vacations in a year, his mom will be with us on two of them...

    At least I think when you are married the first one to two years a couple should get their time to spend also with each other alone since that´s the most important time.If inlaws are always around plus on the top in this case MIL will be not just in the house with us but also outside (vacations etc..) pretty much all the time I don´t think I will be happy.

    So I would love to hear your thoughts on that and especially if there are some ways how to manage a situation like that successfully. I personally like that guy a lot but of course these things I am concerned about...

    thank you
    happy
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2010
    Loading...

  2. vennelaaaa

    vennelaaaa Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    497
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    35
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Happy,
    Good that you are talking very honestly with the guy....
    If you are in the same place and have any chance, you can casually meet his mom...that would give you some idea..if she is friendly, or meddles too much, etc.,
     
  3. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    374
    Likes Received:
    42
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi

    I would suggest you get to know his mom also for some days and see how she is. Get to know her nature, whether she is friendly, understanding etc. If you feel uncomfortable of the fact that his mom would be there in mostly all the occasions , think of the proposal once again before you say yes. talk to the guy honestly of what are your concerns and if the guy does not agree then either you have to compromise or just dont go for the proposal. Take your own time and think whether you can adjust this way or not.All the best.
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,862
    Likes Received:
    5,086
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Happy.... congrats.. if you haven't realised yet.. you're heading towards a marriage with 2 people... cant you judge by vacation plan 1/3 solely for you when he shall be thinking about his mother back home. And in the 2 vacations that she'll come along.. am sure there'll be an addition bed placed in the vacation cottage where you'll be sleeping :crazy!!

    Well my uncle and his uncle think we would make a very good couple

    Uncles can judge with what they had in mind about ladies in their generation.. hence if you belong to that generation then go for it.

    This fellow is definitely a very nice person... however from practical married life.. he's just too nice to include mother in everything and everywhere...
    he thinks his mom will not interfere in everything,
    Ok and can he clearly tell where will the boundry be set? Cos he feels he'll be leaving her out even if he goes shopping alone with you.

    I really wonder... people born in free land can also find ways to entrap themselves as per INDIAN CULTURE.
     
  5. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    374
    Likes Received:
    42
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    I couldnt have given you better explaination then what shilpa ma gave. Well said , i was just laughing reading some of your sentences :rotfl. Ya Happy10 just think and then decide properly. You must have liked this guy but later on you cant even complain about his mom being everytime with you both in vacations , shopping etc. Think practically.
     
  6. Happy10

    Happy10 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for your replies.

    Dear Vennelaaa and Shruti, yes you both are right. But since they are living about 8 hours away, I think the only possibility would be to talk to her on the phone to find out more about her personality and what she thinks about all this - of course i will only call her in case i would decide to go on with this "relationship".

    Dear Shilpa, of course I have realized the situation and the problems that would come along with that relationship if I would decide to go on, otherwise I would have not started a thread to ask for the opinion and advices of other ILites on this sítuation. But because I like that guy and he likes me also, I thought I ask you Ladies for your advices..it could have been possible that there is a good way to handle it, which had not come up in my mind yet, right?

    And I don´t think it´s a bad thing or old fashion if an uncle, aunty, or whoever would tell you about a nice guy/girl they know. They have not put any pressure on me or him, they just told us about the other person and since we both were interested, we started to talk. The decision is all ours!!!! not my or his uncle´s...

    Thanks again to all of you!
    Happy
     
  7. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,065
    Likes Received:
    256
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Happy,

    To remain happy, you seriously need to get to know his mom as much as you get to know her son!

    From the son's point of view, it is understandable that the son does not want to leave his single mom at home and go for outing or shopping or vacation with his wife even a single time.

    At the same time, the mom also should have the heart to make her son see that there is NO guilt in going out just with his wife now and then..having some private moments..etc Some MILs do that happily. Good MILs and Good DILs do exist. :cheers Extremely fortunate ones 'co-exist' . :)

    Moms that have the wellbeing of their son as the only criteria would do that in a heartbeat.

    Moms that feel insecure yet have the wellbeing of their son as the main criteria would wait till they feel secured. DIL & Son need to 'work on' her insecurity.

    Moms that do not fall in either categories would do that when the sun rises in the west. DIL & Son need to 'workaround' her insecurity.

    How much work does this mom need out of her son and DIL? How much work
    (or workaround) are you willing to do as a DIL? You will get a fair idea when you get to know the mom's personality.

    Talk to her casually and get a feel for.. is she highly possessive.. what is her expectations of a DIL? You can even tell her about her son's idea on going outing, shopping, vacation with her all the time.. and see how she reacts. Obviously she will be happy to hear that. Nothing wrong in that..But does she volunteers anything in the lines of 'oh that does not matter, you guys should also have some alone time.. I am not an interfering type.. etc'.?

    Just like how you discuss honsetly with this guy, do the same with his mom. Let her also know your views and values.Let all 3 of you be involved to know one another's degree of compatibility. If she is apprehensive and not comfortable let her be. All of you can save yourself from some agony if that be the case. If she is emotionally matured, she will definitely think of giving you guys some space and still feel secured & sure of her son's love. And that will reflect in her talks..

    There is a thin line between caring and interfering. It is ideal if both MIL and DIL know where the line lies.

    But unfortunately sometimes MIL thinks interference as caring
    or DIL misinterprets caring as interference..

    Life goes good when atleast either one of them can 'gracefully accept' & handle the occasional/ignorant line crossings and misinterpretations.
    Or
    Life goes good when the husband plays 'the translator' cum 'goodwill messenger' efficiently.

    How much acceptance she can offer? How much you can offer?
    Being fair to the mom should not overshadow being fair to the wife. Is he the man who can balance that out (ofcourse with a reasonable wife on his side) ? Judge yourself.

    Be aware of all this when you make a decision. Good luck in whichever way you travel!:thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2010
  8. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    352
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Happy,
    You seem to be a very mature person so you know what you are doing.Here is my suggestion.

    Does this guy look like he can stand up for himself?

    Now you will not know the answer until you see the 2 together and even then its very hard to judge.

    Its good to look after your parents but sacrificing one love for another is not good.There should be a balance and Indian society never teaches that to boys or their parents.They always preach the girls and their parents.

    Let me tell you about my story:I knew before marriage that my DH is very generous with his parents and takes care of them financially.After being with him for 2-3 years I also found out he is the same with everybody.He is a good human being,he stands up against injustice and is sympathetic towars women's issues.
    I overlooked the generous money sending/spending part and made sure I find out if he will make me suffer to fulfill their wishes.When I found out that will not happen I let go of that giving part.After few years his giving is still there but its not blind.He questions unreasonable requests.

    So everyone is different.However you don't have the luxury to date or live-in a relationship for 2-3 yrs to make a decision.Hence you have to do some fast thinking.Such situations are never good.

    Meet his family and look attheir living situation.You will be able to judge yourself.

    FL.
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    357
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Happy,

    You need to weigh your priorities. If you highly value your personal space, privacy, and individuality.... then this setup is probably not going to make you happy in the long run. But if you love to be around other people 24/7, are very social, don't long for privacy, and don't mind being extremely generous with your future husband's attention... then this could work out fine. It's all a matter of what type of person you are and how you want to live your life.

    Don't analyze how you 'wish' you could be, or how you are going to 'try' being. Analyze how you are, right now. Meaning, if this setup sounds like torture to you, don't talk yourself into it by thinking "Well, I will try to adjust". It's either you like the joint family or you don't, there's hardly ever a person who ends up being neutral about it. So find how you REALLY feel about it and then proceed with the relationship from there.

    About this guy you're seeing.... I feel he is flat out unreasonable. But that's just my opinion. It's fine to care for your mom and want to include her in stuff... but to include her in EVERYTHING is just weird. I feel any sane well adjusted man would want time away from his mom at some point or another to spend with his wife... the fact that this guy doesn't even want to go out shopping without her, not even once, not even to spend some alone time with you... is a big red flag. Keep in mind, BEFORE marriage, people show their best side. It doesn't matter if his mom is the sweetest lady in the world and you and her gel great.... if your dh ends up devoting all his time to her, you will eventually resent her... even if she hasn't done anything wrong. I don't think any wife would want to live in another woman's shadow 24/7. And I think his vacation setup is VERY telling as to how he see's his relationship with you and his mom.... out of the 3 vacations, she gets the majority with him. You would think if anything, it would be 50/50 even. But the fact that he is already giving his mom the edge over you.... would make me uncomfortable if I were in your shoes.

    Think this through long and hard. It's easy to walk away from a guy you've just started getting to know. It's EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to walk out of an unhappy marriage. If you get married to him, be 100% sure of what you're getting into.
     
  10. Manaswini08

    Manaswini08 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    550
    Likes Received:
    16
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    From the way I see it, this guy has already told you how he feels and how he will behave in the future. Although no one can predict the future, if all holds stable, he will act just the way he has stated. With that in mind, my suggestion to you is to leave this arrangement. Unless you want to be in a marriage with baggage (the mil), your best solution would be to leave before you become too attached to this guy.

    Yes, a lot of ladies did tell you to meet the mother and see how she is. But what good will that do? No matter how sweet and caring she is now or will be in the future, she will become a burden on your marriage if this guy anticipations follow through. As a married couple, you need your space and privacy and having your mil around all the time will only create a hard time. Even if she is the best mil in the world and you turn out to be the best dil in the world, you both will be at each other's throats and in the constant game of "who gets his attention the most". NOT HEALTHY!

    So, I suggest to LEAVE! and don't turn back!

    PS -
    For the record, I'm not against the proverbial mother-in-law....Mine is the most sweetest, caring lady and I love her as if she is my own mother. But we both know where to draw the line and how to divide our times with the man we both love. And he knows when to include his mother and when not to!!!! Apparently this guy does not.
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2010

Share This Page