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What do u do when it’s your own parents who treat u like an outsider?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by indigrl, Oct 16, 2009.

  1. indigrl

    indigrl New IL'ite

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    I am back again. It seems I have some drama or other going on in my life =)
    Sorry for a long post.
    I love my parents but since my second marriage my mom has had problems with me and my husband.

    First time I got married with someone from <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region><st1:place>India</st1:place></st1:country-region>. He was what any parents would like in their son-in-law. But he was not for me. I told my parents that I don’t like him and yet after lots of fights and emotional blackmail I got married to him. Yes that was my decision. I did try to work things out with him but again I could not and it was my decision to divorce him.

    Luckily I met my current husband within weeks of my divorce. We hit it off and got married soon, with both of our parent’s consent. My mom didn’t like him from the beginning but I convinced her that he was the guy for me.

    Over last 3 yrs I have had some problem or other with my in laws, in spite of that have stuck with my husband. We are expecting our second child.

    My parents and my in laws have had their problems to the point that neither one is in contact with the other. It was my parents fault as much as my in laws.

    Yesterday my mother was complaining about my husband, how he does not call does not visit etc. I didn’t say much. I know my husband and his nature.

    Today morning she called me at work and started complaining again, I didn’t want to say much since I was at work. Well, she went off and started saying that I knew my husband long time ago and left my first husband because I was having an affair with my current husband. That I did all the drama in my first marriage because I wanted to be with my current husband. That I cheated on her, my dad, my ex and my ex in laws all because of my current husband.

    That all the stuff I took from her house (clothes and jewelry) I should return it because apparently I stole it from her. When I got married the second time I didn’t buy any new clothes, I took old clothes I had. I didn’t want my parents to spend much money on my second marriage. Overall I may have 5 sarees and 7-8 curidaars from my mom. I intend to return all of it back with the jewelry she gave me.

    She told me I am jealous of my own mother and that from now on they are dead for me.
    I have tried to not let her get to me but she still does.
    My mom is the kind of person who is never happy. She finds something or other wrong with her “kismat”.
    Since this morning I have been nothing but a crying mess. I don’t know what to do, how to make things right.
     
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear IndieGirl

    Sorry to hear about what you are going through!! Being Emotional wont solve such issues..The way you had taken strong decisions and had stick to your decisions, you got to create some limits and rules for people around you...in this case specially your mom.

    You can read such similar stories on IL where parents involve and comment so much on the present and past lives of kids and their spouses so much that it starts effecting the harmony in the family and the happiness. No one gains anything out of all this...its hurtful.

    Whatever was your decision about your first / second marriage. Finally it was your life and your decision. You shouldnt keep revisiting the past or present decisions, everytime your mom complains/cries.

    If you had put down your foot seriously the first time itself..you wouldnt have to deal with your moms tantrums again...ok, you gave in..took a chance, it didnt work out..fine..even before it was too late you realised and got out..period. there ends the story...why keep digging this past.

    You have to tell your mom / who so ever it is having problems with your marriage..that you wont take any nonsense even if its your own mom. You love your parents nothing wrong in that..but just because they are the parents doesnt give them any right to judge our actions/decisions. You are grown up now and they have to accept that factor.

    Tell your mom clearly..you wont listen to her bragging/complains or whatso ever it is about your husband/inlaws/kids. Tell her you dont want the topic of EX to be raised again no matter whatever the situation or incident is going forward. You are happy and you want to move on with your current life and not interested in the past.

    Make it clear to her that if she cant deal with your decisions, she can as well stay out of all this and let you live your life.

    See the problem b/w your inlaws and parents is also because of all this. Your mom not ready to accept your current husband, she is still stuck in the past for what so ever reasons...she doesnt want to move on and you have moved on...or might be she needs more timeto move on or realise that what makes you happy is what is important!!

    I suggest you to have a chat with your mom. be firm dont cry/yell. This really works..I did with my parents. Tell them clearly you wont hear any bad words/complains about your husband. Good/Bad he is your husband and they are your inlaws and you would deal with them. PERIOD.Also if those clothes and jewellery are important to her rather than you being happy with your marriage..what crap maa..just send them out...why have such stuff which keep lingering around with bad memories..?anyways you wont wear / use them much..you can also buy them here..

    Remember one thing, dont be weak in handling such silly issues with your mom, before they become real big and start nagging. Nothing wrong in telling your mom to STAY OUT.

    Next time when you talk to your mom if she initiates the same conversation, tell her you are getting another call or someone is at the door and hangup. do this 3 or 4 times and 5th time, mark my words your mom gets your point. (I am telling this with my own experience).Cut short the conversations. If a conversation doesnt make your day any better why have or extend such a convesation or talk???

    Initially your mom would resent, wont call you, or stop calling you, even if you call she would just speak few words,,so dont get upset or dont be worried that did you do any wrong by telling her to stayout...its just a phase where they are learning the ground rules..! BE STRONG AND TAKE THE STEPS.

    Above all, Please assess your current siutation in your marriage. I suggest you have to stop these external influences affecting your marriage and figure out the differences with your husband and fix them. (Leave what are your parents/inlaws complaints about you aside...first have a strong bonding with your husband,that is important..)

    May this Diwali bring Joy and Happiness in your life & Mark new beginings
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2009
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Indigrl,

    Each human has some other problems.Without the problems,God will not much work to do :)

    It's unlucky to have that kind of mother.There is not use of hitting your head agaist the wall for your mother and I am sure some people never like to be happy and I experinced it to.

    Only few advises from me:-
    --Don't pick up her calls.
    Next time tell that I don't want to take all the rubbish from you.If you have something to talk nice then call me otherwise please don't call.
    -Once she start the rubbish,please cut the phone off.
    -I know these mother can go to any extent.
    -It's somewhat generation gap,she was not able to digest thing which happened.
    -Do you have any other person where can explain the things better to her.
    -Just avoid her telling your busy with something else.
    -There is no use of crying,I am sure again you have face again and again,because it's your mother and you can escape from it.
    -But some hear buds where you can't hear and put it in ear when she pushes hard for talks.

    All the best.
     
  4. indigrl

    indigrl New IL'ite

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    Thanks SriVidya and Priya. I have been through this cycle so many times that I am tired of it now. I know my mom will not talk to me until I apologize to her. Well I plan on just giving all her stuff back and not get into any conversation with her. She will not listen to anything I say anymore or be willing to understand anything. It would be like hiting my head against a wall :bonk

    And I can’t make my dad talk to her because he speaks her language :)
    Thank you very much, you reiterated what I know needs to be done. Thanks again.
     
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    One thing Dear

    Did you say any bad things to her? If yes then apologize. But if someone butts into your life all the time, and passes judgement left n right...even if its your own parents...there is a limit. Specially when you, yourself are a grown up adult and a parent for 2 kids.

    If you say sorry and apologize for no fault of yours..its like accepting her tantrums.
    No sorries..No apologies. Let her know that you felt bad with the way your mom thought and the way she told things to you about being dead etc..etc..being jealous or what not. and let her know you are sending the stuff back This is only to make your mind peaceful.

    Please stop calling her or taking her calls for few days. Later tell her that you want to have a peaceful life, not people throwing judgements at you or passing unnecessary comments. Its your life and you know how to live

    Why does she have to listen, ? Why do you need her acceptance? ask yourself that question. Unless you be strong and say I wont take CRAP people keep making you feel bad for what ever actions or decisions you take/make. Its like emotional blackmailing.

    So you go to show that no matter what they say or do, it wont hurt you or your emotions or decision making capability. Your family i.e your husband and kids are first priority then only your parents.

    So no need of expectations that your mom would suddenly realize all and understand your sweetest being etc...Either she does/she doesnt shouldnt make any difference for you here.

    Noo. Dont involve anymore people into this. dont ask your dad.If you ask him for help, down the line he too would start commenting. Reason, if you want to tackle your stuff, you got to be strong. The moment they know you cant, everyone will walk all over you.


    Send the stuff back
    Let her know its for your own peace of mind and you think thats the best for you
    Let her know, going forward you wont hear any thing about EX anymore (totally NO words about EX or the EX family)


    Leave it there!!! and handle her calls tactfully (Please become strong, leave your emotions aside if you want to do any good here. not only for you but also for your mom...she needs to come out of her cribbing phase..and by putting rules you are not only helping yourself, you are also making your mom accept and see the situation as it is..instead of trying to find faults iwth everyone/everything.)

    Enjoy the festival come on..this is time for celebration! so chill...and move on!!
     
  6. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Indgirl,

    My heart goes out to you. It is one thing if our in-laws are difficult, but quite another when it is our own parents who are the issue. I can understand how you feel, and how it must have been growing up with such bullies for parents, and the battering you must have experienced, both as a child, and later on, as an adult, until you finally stood up for yourself and took your life into your own hands. My dear, I commend you for finally finding your spine and deciding your life for yourself.

    I do not think that you should owe your mother any explanations or are obligated to defend your decision to divorce your ex and remarry a man of your choice. Her hurtful comments that you probably cheated on your first spouse speaks volumes. If she cannot believe her own child, and if she has no qualms spewing such venom at you, and thinks nothing of assassinating your character (yes, her allegations are CHARACTER ASSASSINATION), then does she really DESERVE any consideration from you??

    If I were in your place, then I would simply return whatever she gave me during my wedding and keep a huge distance with her. You do *not* deserve to be bullied and hurt in this manner. Please do not make the huge mistake of apologizing to her. By doing so, you are validating her allegations that you were of questionable character. Please do not do this to yourself.

    As for her problems / issues with your in-laws, please stay out of these. She is an adult and she needs to learn how to fight her own battles herself. Do not get involved in her issues because you never know when she will turn against you and stab you in the back by joining hands with your in-laws. Trust me, this has happened to other people before - feuding in-laws / parents have suddenly become 'best friends' who have then turned jointly on the son / daughter. The take home lesson from these experiences is that no son or daughter should get involved in his or her parents' ongoing battles with his or her in-laws. You should also make it VERY clear that you will no longer back her up or play into her mind-games. You should also make it very clear to her that not only will you not listen to her rants about your hubby, but that as he is your spouse, he is now your top priority - whether she likes it or not.

    Just stay strong, indgirl. That is the only language such bullies understand. If you are weak, then, they will simply pound you into the ground. If you are strong, then they will back off and actually begin to respect you. You do not deserve, or should tolerate, disrespect and abuse from anyone, including your own parents.

    Good luck and stay strong!
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2009

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