what do girls' parents expect?

janaka1 · Jan 6, 2014

i am an only girl child to my parents and really close to them. married and have kids. I have one question really troubling me. What is the image of an ideal daughter to her parents???

My parents are never much happy with me, leave alone my DH or ILs. I have always tried to make them happy. I call my mom everyday. Invite them over. When they are with me we try to take them on small tours.Happily take care of their medical requirements. Very recently i have started contributing towards their monthly expenditure though they do not need it honestly, So a token amount. My DH is sweet to them. My ILs were ok with them in the beginning. Later there was some problm. And that still continues.

But I have never seen my mom happy with me. Whenever any excuse comes up my mom will greet me with statements like:

"once the girls get their husband they think their parents are servants"

" I know I have not much cared for my mom, and what goes around comes aroud, so i have to accept that my daughter will not care for me"

Oh we don't want to come to your place, as when i do, it means extra load on you and SNIL, we do not want to be burden on you"

"well, i have to take care of your father, there is no one else who will"

"parents should never be sentimental about grown up kids. They don't respect their sentiment"

"From now on I will think of my own weellbeing. Enough of thinking about kids and all"

"My tenants inquires about us frequently, They know we have no one to take care of us"

the list will go on..and on..It really frustrates me to hear such things regularly. I have tried to ask her many times, why she thinks like that. That I am always there for them and all. We make it a point to make them feel that with our action as well. But nothing works. I get the vibe that they are hugely unsatisfied with me.
That disturbs me so much. I just want to know from both daughters and mother of daughters here, what is that, that i am missing out or is it my parents who are missing out anything? Why do they always tend to hurt me relentlessly??? Is it a fault to be a girl and get married and live away from parents??? What do they expect from us actually???

Mahajanpragati · Jan 6, 2014

well,as you & your hubby are doing whatever possible to make them happy you need not feel guilty.......you are a good daughter & you should have peace in your heart........

as to your mom ,she seems to have imaginary issues with you or needs constant assurance as she is insecure(maybe she thinks as she did not help her mom same will happen to her ,she believes in karma & thinks you reap what you sow)........
do you have a brother .how is her relationship with him (&his family)

now,if she is insecure then all she needs is assurance like'Mom I will take care of you ....Mom ,don't worry ,we are there for you always & so on......

if she has this nature of cribbing without cause,join her in her negative talk ...'yes,Mom there is really nobody to care for you,I am married & engrossed in my own life............Mom ,take care of your health,who will care for you if you are sick.......

many times old people hear negative things from friends,read in newspaper,see in TV serials & start feeling depressed as they assume such negative thing will happen to them also.........even if you try to ressure then ,they will not forget their own imagined fears & keep on thinking on same lines...........so the best is to be as supporting as you have been & try to ignore whatever negative she says.....

janaka1 · Jan 6, 2014

thank you
Noi have no brother..I am the only child and my mom is always critical of me most of the times not openly but sometimes openly too

Deepanv · Jan 6, 2014

I have understood yor situation . Now try to see things from your mothers perspective. Maybe she is expecting something else. Try visiting them more often. Maybe they want your presence more than presents.
I think they long for your company more than anything else. So give them more time.

Emal · Jan 6, 2014

Janaki you are not alone. Such Mom's do exist. My mom cribs as well. They do this coz they are insecure about their old age. My mom is an extra mile ahead. She is so jealous of me and my achievements. She tries all the time to talk negative things about me and tries to show me that I am a person with wrong thinking and she and her sons are the BEST on this earth, And her DILS. I am so drained with all her sayings that it has taken a toll on me and my life. It gets hard to focus on my life and kids and husband.

All I can say is, if you feel you have not done anything wrong then just let things be the way they are for some days or months. Coz the more you try to probe into such feelings of theirs the more they will come back with hurts for you.
Prioritize your life and focus on things that matter to you most. Giving away our peace of mind will only deteriorate us but will not do any good to you or your parents.

Make it clear to your mom that you will not hear any cribbing. Tell her I am there to care for you and will always be by your side and to not to feel insecure. Ask her to talk to you in a straight forward manner and pin point any mistakes directly and not to crib or use indirect speech.
Tell her it hurts you when she makes unnecessary remarks. Tell her you have many roles to play and want to have piece of mind to shower your love on her and on your family.
If this works good for you else just keep a distance from her for sometime and let her realize for herself.

I feel she should be more nicer to you since ultimately you are the only daughter/child to take care of your parents. Take advantage of that and set things right from now itself so you do not have to keep listening to her until later in life when she is completely dependent on you for care.

Hope this helps.

premprasannan · Jan 8, 2014

Hi janaka1,

Some individuals' personality is like that. My mom is exactly the same like yours. For years I tried to pacify her. If I talk to her on phone, she will resent, why you did not write a letter ? If I write a letter, she would say, why don't you talk ? I live in another city from my parents.

My dad is a gentleman. I have no problems with him. But my mother has only one language with me, that is verbal abuse. She would say, you never buy a gift for me. Once, I bought a speaker phone to her. She brought it with her, after six months, when she visited us and returned it back, saying it is useless to her.

Now she has already taken me to my point of tolerance, several times, I talk to her only when it is absolutely necessary. First 7 years after marriage, I tried to tolerate her to my level best. But now things have gone beyond repairable damage in my relationship with her.

For the past 6 years, I talk to my father only. With me and my mom, there is practically no communication. During my parents visit, my mom will ensure that hell breaks loose every time. Hence, I do not invite her any more. But, me, my wife and my son, visit my parents, once in a year, spend time with them. In that time too, I keep my interaction with my mom to the utmost minimum.

jasmine25 · Jan 15, 2014

Dear kanaka,
Role reversal has come in to play now.this is the time when parents become kids and kids become a parent.i understand you are a dutiful daughter, you love your mother.she loves you too but due to insecurity feelings may be she is throwing tantrums and indirectly hurting you.Please do not loose your patience.put yourself in her shoes and take an introspection may be that will help you in analysing where you are going wrong or better ask your mother directly..after all she is mother..you can find out what is running in her mind.