what did my friend do wrong in dealing with her daughter and son-in-law

Ladies, one of my friends asked me as what did she do wrong in dealing with her daughter and son-in-low. I request you to give your inputs in my friend’s question.

My friend who is 60 years old and she is working full time job which is very much demanding and keeping her on her toes all the time. Her daughter is 30 years old and working in a big company in the big city. Her husband is also a professional and is having a good job. Her daughter had miscarriage two times but now she is seven months pregnant. She moved in to her new apartment four months ago. As she has a full time job and being pregnant she had to take the help of her maid to organize the stuff in her kitchen and some other areas. Obviously the maid did not do a good job and almost dumped everything in the cabinets. Her daughter told her mom that her cabinets needed to be reorganized. The daughter requested her mom to come over to her place and feed her fresh food as she was craving fresh mom’s food being pregnant and also spend some time with her. She also told her mom that as she was going there for a month she could also reorganize her kitchen cabinets. Mom was thrilled to visit her daughter to feed her fresh food and reorganize her kitchen as well. She was going to make another trip after two months at the time of baby’s birth. This was her in-between visit for her daughter’s request. She took time off from her work and headed to her daughter’s house.
Her daughter has one bed room apartment. She reached there and noticed that her daughter was not able to straighten the other areas of her apartment due to her job and pregnancy. She was wondering that how is it possible to manage everything out when baby is born in this small apartment with lots of stuff to be straightened. Her daughter wanted her to take the charge of the whole kitchen and everything else after baby’s birth so she herself could stay with her own baby. In this trip her daughter wanted her to feed her means taking the charge of the kitchen. My friend started organizing the stuff in the kitchen so she can feed her three fresh meals and thinking that when she had to come back in two months so she would know exactly where the stuff is in the kitchen and everywhere else and that would be convenient for her to take care of her own daughter and granddaughter on the way as well. She was working almost 12 hours in cooking, cleaning, and organizing with the pure intentions of taking care of her daughter and granddaughter on the way.
While she was reorganizing everything she had to change the spots for certain stuff for better access in the limited space in a small apartment. Now the emotional struggle started among them.
Her daughter and Son-in-low were concerned about her as she herself had a hard job back home and all they needed from her to cook and relax rest of the time which was really nice of them. My friend herself did not know that her daughter’s apartment really needed to reorganize before baby’s arrival. Since she found out she could not stop working hard around the house.
As she knew that her daughter was seven months pregnant and anything could happen between seven months and her due date. She was also concerned about her previous two miscarriages. And due to her own job she was not able to come back before the due date. So her plan was…HOPE FOR THE BEST BUT PREPARE FOR THE WORST. Her whole point was to organize the stuff in one bedroom apartment where baby and mother can be taken care at the best.
While she was making little changes here and there her daughter and son-in-low freaked out as they thought she was controlling their apartment. She tried to explain them that they can rearrange everything after one or two months of the delivery period. She also explained them that it was their house and they can keep it the way they like it. Since they were asking for her help and taking over everything including cooking, cleaning, attending visitors after baby was born, taking care of the mother and daughter. She was requesting them that her concern is to take care of baby and mom and it would be only possible if the small apartment is well organized.
Then they both came up with another offer to explain them what is to be done before baby is born and they will do it after she was gone and when she comes back for the delivery she would find it organized. My friend thought that when kids could not do it in these three months because of their laid back attitude then how they are going to finish in this limited time. She also thought that it would not be easy for her daughter with progressing pregnancy and her husband of course being guy takes everything easy. So she thought that kids would appreciate once they realize that it was really essential to be well prepared for the baby’s arrival and kept on doing everything.
In her entire stay for the whole month she had to go through lots of emotional distress as her kids wanted her to sit and relax and she was not able to convince them the importance of readiness before the baby’s arrival. She also explained them any emergency could occur in pregnancy and then they would not have time for anything.
But this modern generation was not ready to listen. She also told them that if they do not require her help for the delivery then they can plan whatever they like as she knew that this modern generation is smart, intelligent. But she was only worried about their laid back attitude as sometimes you cannot wait until last minute.
As a result of these differences there was a tension among them and she could not understand why this smart generation was not ready to understand her pure intension with lots of planning and management.
Her daughter had already ordered almost hundred items for baby which included everything from clothes, toys etc. Her daughter was telling her to sit with her and talk about the books or the other items she can buy for the baby rather than doing other stuff. She was trying to explain her that they should take one step at a time. She said that they could not skip the important step and think about next situation.
On one hand her daughter was telling her to give her motherly advice for her pregnancy but was never ready to listen to the important aspects of this journey.
My friend was feeling guilty as what did she do wrong which created lots of emotional stress among them even though being a concerned mom she had no other intention then taking care of her daughter and granddaughter.
As she has to go back for her daughter’s delivery she is scared as how her kids would react to her pure intentions.
When she asked me I was not sure what to tell her. So ladies please I need your input about this delicate situation.

 

Hello Pariamma madam,

Thank you for visiting my thread.
You are absolutely right that we had the same generation gap with our mom. As long as I remember I think we believed in their experience and expertise and were very careful about showing our objection toward them if at all we disagreed with them.

Bhavna

 

Re: What did my friend do wrong in dealing with her daughter and son-in-law ?

Hello Everybody,

It was really interesting to hear from the younger generation.It is really helped to understand the mindset of this younger generation.

However I forgot to mention couple of things in my post.

Few months ago my friend had visited her kids in their old apartment as a pleasure trip. She had noticed at the time also that it needed to be straightened.But she did not touch anything and did exactly what her kids told her to do like watching movies, going to the restaurants with them,taking tour of the city and all kind of fun stuff.
What she is trying to say that the whole situation is different this time as welcoming new baby demands lots of planning and preparation and they should not take it too easy in this beautiful journey of welcoming new angel in their house.

As Emerald44 suggested that a daughter can go to mom's house for the delivery and that is the exactly my friend recommended her kids. But this new generation has new concept of being parents. They believe that would be dad should be around when the baby is born to get bonded with her by changing diapers and all other kind of stuff. So if at all they decide to come to mom's house for the delivery their parental bonding would be missed for initial period of time. It does not matter if it is only for one or two months.

What my friend is worried about that in case of any emergency she would be panicked if she herself can not find the stuff needed in her house and also being 60 years old she is going through menopausal state and forgets lot of things and suffering lack of confidence in chores around the house and running errands for them.
All she is requesting is to provide her their house where she can show her 100% ability to work since no one else is there to help her at the time of delivery.

I would welcome all your feedback from younger generation and my generation as well.

Bhavna