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What Can I Do? Advice Needed

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Apr 5, 2021 at 11:47 PM.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @winterhue you definitely read my mind. Thanks for the connect.

    As you have rightly stated, this is exactly my worry.
    I can correct him, force him to stay away from his FOO, superstitious beliefs, negative influencers etc.... That too, especially now, when he is confused & I have an upper hand in this marriage.
    But will that solve our marital problems? Will he be genuinely happy that i saved him? Will he genuinely trust that my intentions were pure? Will he ever understand his wrong doings & the problems that i faced because of them.
    Because each time he spoke in affirmation, I believed he finally understood the problem. But looks like he was not. That's why he went on to cry with others, complaining against me for what i did to him.
    His heart truly believes i ruined his life & his FOO & that small circle of influencers are his saviours. But something in him is still keep him with me. Perhaps this is what his influencers want.
    Make him to be with me & ruin my peace and ultimately drain all my wealths. If i am still an average middle class girl, I wonder whether he or his family would still want to be married to me????

    Leaving him wouldn't be a tough decisions given the fact that I've gone through a lot & have the courage to face the world in this age. I've become self dependent & I have a circle of strong support system.
    But what about my guilt??????

    Will he be living normal if i leave him?
    I know how his people will treat him & what will be in store for him down the line. With no job, no savings and no real support system, this guy can even commit suicide given his fragile mental state right now. I will definitely be in guilt for life if that happened any day.
    Because i still love him and want him the best.

    As a born fighter, I know i can win this battle too, no matter how much longer it can be. I believe i am in the right direction & my God will be on my side when life happens after 10-15 years from now.
     
    winterhue and Madhurima21 like this.
  2. Minion

    Minion Gold IL'ite

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    Your DH is playing games with you, his intentions are not right he is trying to gain attention from you by destroying your life, looks like he is taking you for granted, give him an ultimatum, if he is willing to change.
     
    hrastro likes this.
  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    That last phrase caught my attention:tonguewink:.... as it is the theme of the "Man's Prayer".
    As in many posts of domestic issues, we have a one-sided story. The following, a gender neutral observation, is usually assumed to apply to women; but could equally well apply to the guys out there as well. In America, since the marriage equality had become law, more guys have such stories too:
    Stay-at-home-spouse, with no independent earnings, no control over the family finances, needing to ask for pin-money (ghar ka kharcha), feeling the funk of middle age in the loss of body-beautiful, two kids in the mix, giving vent to friends who listen (on speaker phone!!:grinning:), needing to manipulate the earning spouse for money etc..etc.. ​
    The OP is pretty good at describing the details, and always comes up with good solutions on her own too. Nothing is going to take her down <-- she often reminds herself and IL about this.

    Man's Prayer <leave a significant pause, after each line when reciting the prayer>:
    "I'm a man,
    but I can change,
    if I have to,
    I guess."

    .

     
  4. Minion

    Minion Gold IL'ite

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    You have to read her past posts to understand his history.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @Hopikrishnan
    Thanks for your advises, but it would be great if you could read the previous posts, history of the poster etc .etc..before typing your analytical essays. Because i feel sad to ignore them each time.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    True....
    Each day is a new revelation for me.
    His friend's death has shaken him for sure. He did not expect the fact that a loving relative (wife in his friend's case) can be mean and destroy a person.
    Each day we discover new facts and my H tries to relate each of them with what happened in his life too.

    Today, he started opening up on his own. He said he was the culprit because he let his parents to destroy his life and that of ours.

    1) They made him believe, I'll convert his religion & make him a puppet in this marriage. He believed that, bcz all his allies confirmed this. Besides that, Christians usually force non believers to convert, especially if they have the upper hand in the marriage. In our case, my job, my family support etc..etc..threatened him naturally & more so it convinced him to believe his parents allegations against me/us.

    2) They challenged his masculinity & often hinted as if he was not man enough citing my high profiled job (several layers above him) and my modern nature in general. Like i call him by name, we are of same age & I know him very well before marriage, so i don't talk to him in traditional respectful ways like other Tamil wives. My dress etc..etc.. were considered sign of disrespect & he foolishly believed these; hence his ego was hurt.
    He says he wouldn't have considered them seriously had he been in a bigger post than me. But here, he had to prove himself & his manliness only by ' emotionally abusing' me. So he stopped caring, loving, showing affection but pretented to be stubborn.

    3) They proved him astrologically that we were a miss match & especially our first born was a curse to his life. Till this moment he believed that, bcz his family was too much into astrology. He never tried to get second opinion from others. But whenever i showed disbelief in astrology, he brushed that off as simple Christian behavior. Hence never respected my opinion there.
    Looking back, it is clear that they pushed him to lose his competitive job back in 2010. They forced him to take prolonged leave during critical times at work for pilgrimage & stuff. He blindly followed his dad, and eventually lost his job.
    His dad then advised him not to apply for jobs again for 2 yrs. He simply followed him. Then my folks came forward & pushed him to get a job. Nevertheless he never was able to resume his original career, but has always suffering inappropriate jobs here and there.
    They proved him it was mine & my kids horoscope that is working against him.

    4) So, as a solution, they initially advised him to stay away from us. Hence the problems, separation etc... But later, when he lost access to my back account, they advised him to reunite & seek alternative ways to resolve this horoscope problems.
    Hence he came back & reunited. But made yanthirams and poojas as advised by his dad to make sure our horoscopes don't affect his life.
    He says, he always loved me, wanted to live with me. But waited the planets to move & the right time to set in. And he innocently say he did all the rituals & even forced some on mine & kid by believing they are for our better future only.

    5) After a point, we started having so many problems in marriage & eventually we started emotionally distancing from each other. He was also feeling down due to joblessness & dependency as i had blocked my account etc
    So, this time he approached his allies like dad, relative & that friend for support. As per their advice he approached a priest & asked ways to send my mom away from our home. So that he believed i will turn back to him & trust him as before. Bcz it was my mom who kept on reminding me & alerting all the time.
    So, he did everything that priest asked him to do.
    But he never understood that his life was deteriorating day by day despite of spending lot of money on remedies & poojas.

    His friend was with him & he was the one who convinced him each time whenever he had suspicions on what he followed. But his mysterious death & the information around that threatened him to the core.

    Now that he has started doubting everything, everyone.
    And finally talking his heart out. Infact we had our first marriage counseling session today & it was useful.

    I understand it was my PILs who have planned all this, but without my H's fullest support they couldn't have done anything as such.
    It was his selfishness, his inferiority, his ego, his foolish belief in astrology & remedies that caused him the damage.

    All these while i believed he was innocent buy it was the people around him who damage our lives. But now, I understood it was none other than his selfishness, greediness that he wanted to ruin me, ruin my support system and to make me vulnerable to feel superior.

    Thankfully, The priests & astrologers whom he used to cause us harm were dubakoors, hence we received no harm. Had they been serious, I can't even begin to imagine the harm by now.

    I can't accept this or forgive him easily. He has lost all my love & respect now. But i am silent because i respect his courage to open up with me at least now.

    Let me process this on my own speed
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2021 at 11:23 PM
    Madhurima21 and Hopikrishnan like this.
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    SGBV, has your husband been to counseling? Maybe he will see more willingly if a third person clearly lays out the situation and his behavior patterns.
     
  8. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    Don't feel sad. FFTI. Starting in the middle of a serial should not be your issue. In random sampling forum posts, I have begun to wonder if "rooting for the underdog" is in human nature.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    He has just started. Begun the first session a couple of days back. His counselor is checking on him on line too. He is open about the conversion & stated whatever i mentioned above yesterday whole we were returning from the session.
     
  10. GregoriaBoul

    GregoriaBoul Bronze IL'ite

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    Wow, this is an interesting thread. I hope everything gets better soon.
     

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