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What Can I Do? Advice Needed

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Apr 5, 2021.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    My husband's best friend died mysteriously. He was his strong support system & more than a brother.

    He & my H shared same wavelength, especially when it comes to religion & superstition.

    They would go to different temples, meet with various saamiyaars, and try out on creative worship methods together. And i would always doubt whether they are seriously superstitious or being directed by someone else using their weakness.
    But i never considered them serious other than joking at their beliefs as they seemed harmless practices to me.

    Off late, I accidentally came to know this friend & his wife were very close to my PILs from the beginning. Besides that, they kept on brainwashing my H against me by portraying as if I am one arrogant lady, who doesn't respect her H or his side of the people.
    They teach him constantly as to how to tactfully divert me & detach me from my support system. Especially sending my mom away & breaking ties with my brother's family to break me down.

    And i knew my H danced as per their tunes all these while, including behaving unbelievably with my mom & others last year causing severe consequences at home. I was at the verge of sending my mom away & that broke both of our hearts back then. Thank God, we patched up, but i caught my H & his friend red handed when they discussed their plans together.

    Since then, I strictly ordered my H not to maintain contacts with this guy, hence he kept some distance.

    Upon knowing his death, we visited their home. There, we came to know mysterious news and they were beyond believable.

    He was diabetic, but his wife made him believe English medicine is not good for diabetes. So she introduced a nurse to him & later that nurse became one of their close allies.

    That nurse advised him to live separately from his mom to have mental peace & enjoy marital happiness with wife & kids which he accepted.
    Later she started giving him natural medicine daily. Took him to various temples & made him do poojas etc regularly.

    Within 6 months he apparently lost 3 million worth of money, a land, his bike & some documents to that lady & his wife too wholeheartedly agreed with his decisions.

    Then he developed a wound in his leg & it got infected in no time. But they did not see a doctor. As he worked from home these days, none of his friends or colleagues knew his status.
    3 days back he got sepsis & died at home at the age of 40.

    When his wife took him to the hospital, hell broke lose as the doctor started doubting her & her statements. His mom & relatives fought for keeping them in the dark & all the money matter came to the light.

    His wife showed fingers at that nurse who is not to be seen there. They have 2 helpless young kids.

    The issue is, this woman - his wife started accusing me as a bad wife and giving me all the lectures on how to keep husband happy & respect him at that funeral.

    It was strange that she wasn't in shock or broken about this sudden death, but she teaches me life.
    And to my shock, she apparently knew everything that happened in our house, including our bedtime talks. She says her H & herself put their phone on speaker when they talk to my H. But my H refuses to have shared the details with them.

    Nevertheless, he seemed to have stood by her side when she accused me & accepted with her that he has been living in pain in this marriage & it was because of me. Though not directly, he did not stop her when she accused me.

    I was angry after this incident because of the fact that my H wasn't my side despite of me being with him throughout his thick & thin as his strongest support.

    He talks to me as if i am his guardian angel, but i knew he isn't emotionally connected to me these days. I saw his emotions when she talked for him & that was so real.

    When questioned he accepted that he was trapped by his parents & his friend's family by portraying an induced sorrow in his life.
    They made him believe he isn't happy & is trapped for the fact that i am strong, have a sound support system & career. Plus his male ego accepted this and worked with them against me to break me. So that he believed he can be the boss of this home.
    Off late, unknowingly he got trapped & started blindly following them.

    They in fact stole money from him, & controlled him yet he believed in them.

    Now that, he begs for my help saying he is unable to come out of this trap. Because for a moment he hates them for what they have done to him, but the next moment he feels for them & have contradicting emotions.

    As i have an upper hand in the family & he has been jobless/money less i think he acts or rather behaves helpless as this.
    But i don't wanna lose him, lose my marriage and lose my hard earned money mysteriously like that friend.

    I honesty do not trust him anymore. I doubt whether he uses his 6th sense these days or still in confusion.

    But i can sense his stress & emotional breakdown. He really feels for his parents as i can't trust them or let them in. But they have asked for it, and they have no remorse for losing us.
    Just that my H puts up a stressed show & it is frightening me.

    I can't let him lose unless he behaves like an adult. He can even spell out our bank & business secrets to our enemies without knowing what's their intention.
    He can perish like how his friend died out of sheer ignorance & superstitions.
    He can cause harm to my kids unknowingly & that can be a reason for me to submit myself to the enemies.
    So i am being careful here. I can't let my guard off simply just because he feels locked.

    What can i do?
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Relax and watch the show.
    Your husband is not a baby. Dont act like a saviour all the time
    Take a stand that if he feels like that its his responsibility to come out of it.
    You protect your money, kids and your life.

    Allow him to be independent and bahave like a mature adult. I dont blame anyone else for his actions. He is the reason for his own miseries.

    He knows very well that when he give an oscar performance you will jump there to save him
    Please dont do that.
    His life is his responsibility.
    Step in only when its urgent. Give some time, say a few weeks to months to him and you.
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2021
    SCA, hrastro, SGBV and 1 other person like this.
  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    If the lecturer had indeed been doing that, why blurt it out?:flushed:
    :grinning:
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, I am done!!!
    I told him to be independent and protect his own life, if not for others.
    I told him that i can't trust him anymore & and ill find ways to protect myself & the home :)
    Looks like he is hurt, feels helpless, but he is not genuine. This is what i can't accept.

    Because he still believes from deep inside that i had ruined my life due to my bad luck & arrogant behaviour, but never accepts that before me. He says, I am his protector &/he will be nothing if not i am with him.
    But i know he doesn't mean it.
    It is because, if he means the same he can't bad mouth against me to others. Especially, he can't keep on telling his FOO & friends that he is unhappy in his marriage & it is bcz of myself & my family.
    Even when others blame me, he keeps silence or shows affirmative body language to their accusations. Bcz he believes so.

    When confronted, he says he is unhappy bcz i don't cook 3-4 times fresh food & don't follow Hinduism.
    But when i asked will he be happy if i stay home & cook instead, he is speechless.
    He wants a wife to bring money & do the service by playing duel roles & have expertise in both. But he never express his feelings or shared his expectations.
    Until now, he only say i should take rest and not to spend time in the kitchen always. But tells others he is sad bcz his wife doesn't cook.

    If his circle of people are decent, they would have showed him the reality. The reality of a man who doesnt work, doesn't provide & expect all the service of the woman in life.
    But unfortunately, with genuine people he puts up a good show like a good husband. But only with his folks, he is a cry baby. They always beat him around the bush by saying the same that he is unlucky & his wife is arrogant.

    Omg... I can't take this drama anymore
     
  5. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    The usual tradition is to wait till children reach college age. Perhaps that is only in the western countries.

    In the east, even the well-married couples could despatch the kids off to boarding schools in Ooty, Mussouri, or Darjeeling. Bangalore, and the Delhi-NCR also have some good international boarding schools. The biggest advantage children have is to get away from the shenanigans of the grownups in their homes.

    Most of these schools are pretty good; children thrive, and do well all around, in the absence of all the disrupting family drama episodes. Ooty's Good Shepard Int. School has a good Christian Tradition they teach.... prayers, bible study, sunday school, and so forth.
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2021
    SGBV likes this.
  6. winterhue

    winterhue Finest Post Winner

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    SGBV,
    I have been a long term reader of your post and I don't know how to say this politely, your husband is a parasite.
    The parasite drains the host of all good things, all the while doing nothing . The host toils and eats nutritious food and processes it , the parasite simply uses the nutrients for its own benefits. What more? the parasite brings in its own diseases, making the host sicker by the day. The host thinks there is something wrong with themselves, they probably are not doing something right. Until one day, the host crumples.
    In your case, your husband has time-tried and tested all scenarios and he is confident that you will continue bringing in the nutrients and do the hard work, no matter what he does . IF push comes to shove, he will play on your emotions and guilt , so that you will think that there is something wrong with you and that you are to be blamed for his actions. This is how emotional blackmail and abuse works.
    Do you know that WhatsApp forward where they explain how some cultures kill a frog (or some toad related being. Cant remember)? The biggest asset of this creature is its ability to "adapt" to temperature. So they put it in cold water and then gradually start heating the water. The creature adapts and adapts, until the water is boiling and it is slowly cooking itself , without realizing it and ultimately dies because the body shuts down. Don't be the toad. Don't be the host. Time for action.
     
    chanchitra, SGBV, drdiva and 3 others like this.
  7. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP..
    Hugs to u..I hav read your earlier posts .you hav been through a lot and you have come out as a winner everytime. Now comg to the current problem..just dont tell your secrets financial or personal to your husband given he is influenced by so many people around. Take care of yourself and your kids and your finances. The whole story of your husbands friend and his wife and nurse is scary. Take care dear.
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @winterhue i can't thank you enough. You speak exactly like my mom.

    I thought about this... Not just once, but many many times before.
    But, from my experience i see the whole stuff differently. Not because of the love or soft corner for him, but I've read him enough to know this.

    He was a career oriented young man, who had so much colourful dreams about life when he met me. We travelled together in this journey as passionate young souls before marriage & he cared me so much like a responsible adult for 5 long years before marriage.
    He fought against all odds, especially against his FOO to marry me. He had the guts to say No, and respect the border when his family tried to emotionally black mailing him.
    There were so much incidents, that convinced me to accept him as the man of my life.
    I was no one when i married him a decade back, but he still chose me for who i was.

    But, everything changed within 2-3 months after marriage. It was unfortunate that i had to leave him for work & stayed at a far place immediately after marriage.
    I had lived separately even before marriage, but our distance made our hearts yearn for each other before. But after marriage, he didn't miss me. Regretted the marriage & never bothered to make an attempt to call or check on me. He hated when i returned & was always concerned about the money i brought home.
    We did not have anything negative within those shorter period to have emotionally distanced this way, except the fact that he stayed with in laws this time.

    Earlier during our courtship & before he lived far from in laws & they rarely knew our affair.
    So, off late i discovered it was in laws who influenced him against me.

    But i had questions as to how an independent, rebellious, young man could get influenced against his loving wife within a span of 2-3 months by his parents - who were never his hero. He always had soured relationship with them before.

    Since then, he not only lost the love of our life, but also his career, his passion, his body (he used to have 6 packs & had passion in maintaining his body before), his health, his charm, and more importantly his personality in this decade of marriage life.
    But his love and affection for his parents grew 200 times bigger than ever. He maintains secrets with them, and emotionally lives with them even though we had issues in the meantime ; hence we had to eventually cut ties with PILs later.

    There is a group of people including his parents, siblings, one friend & 2 relatives of his mom who guide & direct every step he follows. They always planned & executed everything against me & the marriage. But i tactfully escaped & finally won. Thanks to my strongest support system.

    After a point, I had stopped focussing on him & his affiliation, but focused on myself hence i could progress in life & in my career.
    I paid no attention in their drama since i had started securing my finances & other family matters in life. So, none of their secret missions could harm my life these days.

    But after the mysterious death of his close friend, I could no longer leave my H to perish as this.
    Looking back, I realized how much he has lost & how much we as a couple have lost in this marriage.
    I can't lose him & I shouldn't let him slip again.
    I've started digging through everything, which i didn't earlier due to my other priorities in life.
    This time, digging with the help of a secret spy gives me so much clarity in our case.

    Yes, my H is a parasite. He is the reason for all my suffering in this life. But he isn't happy here.
    He needs help this time than criticism & complain. He needs support to bring him back.

    I am still collecting evidence. Finding proof to catch the culprit & their motive. Once i am done, I will do the needful accordingly. Even if that means chasing the culprits away from this country... I could do that with the level of influence i have here. All i need is proof, some factual information.

    As for my H, I am considering therapy. Perhaps counseling.
    I am taking him everywhere to research his friends death these says, and he begins to see how his like minded friend has eventually perished by trusting his close allies.

    Just yesterday, we came to know the fact that there was no nurse in my husband's friend's case. It was only a fictional character; hence the story of losing money, gold & land to that nurse was also a lie. Which means, the suspicion is heavy on his wife now.
    We also understood that this friend & his wife had recently written off their family home to their name, which was on his mother's name before. Also, he moved out of that family home upon transferring it to his name to his wife's city & left his 74 yr old widow mom alone.
    His insurance from office packages will be heavy upon his death & all these facts comes as shocking while thinking the mystery behind his death.

    Let's see how it goes...
     
  9. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Curiouser and Curiouser....
    May I? May I take a guess ?
    The person who died is not the husband at all (explains the nonchalant behavior of the widow at the funeral). The real husband is hiding out somewhere, and the wife plans to take all the wealth, the insurance money, etc..and run away to him. They will live happily ever after under new identifications.
    Obviously we need Inspector Shanti de Silva here to investigate and explain everything.
     
  10. winterhue

    winterhue Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks for the kind words SGBV . Even though I don't know you in real life - I feel your pain and admire your strength.

    SGBV, a marriage is primarily between two individuals. Of course, we say its between two families , but the foundation is ALWAYS the two core individuals - husband and wife. There is always a circle that the families or anyone else cannot enter. This circle becomes stronger and more intimate with years so that we sometimes are able to talk to our spouse with just a flicker of our eyes. Its not like the early stages of marriages ,where hormones and youth do their job. This strong bond is built by weathering storms, raising kids, fighting and then making up and most importantly trusting each other with each other's lives. In my opinion , over the years, this trust has been worn down between you and your DH.
    Leave aside all the influences and parents love etc. Just consider him as a lone entity- are you able to imagine that you can trust him and live with him without any drama? That is the actual "culprit" you need to find.
    I don't want to sound preachy - but your marriage is right now a chess game. There are a lot of players.

    Now imagine , 10 years from now. Say , his mom or dad have passed away . Do you think his guilt will not double when his parents are no longer around. Are you sure he wont resent you and blame you (the way he is doing now, silently by not defending you) when there is no one to be angry at ? What happens in another 15 yrs, when kids are grown up, left home and it is just you and your husband. Do you see yourself happy ? These are the questions you need to answer right now.

    Therapy is definitely the starting point in my opinion - Kudos to you for considering that. I think you should start right away. Therapy for your husband and marriage counselling too, because you also need to learn to trust him again as that pre-marriage hero that you worshipped. Hugs to you!!!
     

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