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What Are Your Expectations In Marriage? Is It Wrong To Have Expectations?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweety2019, Sep 24, 2019.

  1. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    --What are your expectations in marriage?
    --What is your spouse's expectations in marriage?
    --Have you both conveyed them to each other? If yes how did you convey?
    --How did you both help satisfy each other's expectations? And when they are not satisfied how did you move on from it?

    Or

    is it wrong to have expectations from the other person??
     
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  2. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    It is good to have expectations as long as they are reasonable, realistic and practical.

    Love and attention is basically expected in any marriage relationship. How each person expresses it and how each person reads it is a process of discovery in marriage. Here, communication is the key to mostly avoid situations where you think you are giving but your partner remains dissatisfied. Communicating each other needs and expectations genuinely and understanding each other's capabilities in fulfilling the same, will strengthen the bond. These open communications and understandings between partners take time. It is a journey...
     
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  3. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for the reply..
    Can you share any tips or books on open communication about each others expectations..
     
  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Read this. That thread's title is quite misleading.
     
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  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Everyone has expectations about their spouse. It is very normal. and it is not worng.

    My expectations - Before marriage.
    - good looks
    - good education
    - good salary
    - great house
    For me, second one was very important, almost a deal breaker. Others I didn't care a lot about. Never thought about issues with inlaws or other relatives once married.
    After marriage:
    - I wanted him to love me so much
    - Understand me / my thought process
    - be romantic

    I did not convey all of this to him, in the beginning except the middle one. we talked about everything eventually (it took first few years)
    But what I learned so far is this:
    - most important is Communication. I wish I knew this earlier.
    In the beginning, he expected me to read his mind and do things. I expected more or less the same. What happened? we ended up fighting for days for the reasons we do not know!! I was always my own person who decides everything by myself and always know what I want in my life. On the other hand he was the confused guy, who doesn't know how to take a decision (fast). this lead to a lot of problem. On top of that had this issue with authoritative person, I cannot talk with out crying (the tears are not related, it was just an emotional outlet how my body reacts).That irritated him a lot. It took couple of years for us to communicate each other and i had a lot of help from him in the communication part. He admitted he has problems in making decision. Since i take fast decisions, he would lay out the options, and I point out which one to go with a pro con list! It has worked out okay so far.

    - Keep the expectations reasonable. But it takes time to get to know each other to get there. Now, most of the time, I tell him right away what I need from him. Sometimes I wait until he calms down after an argument. May be it is to do the dishes in the sink, may be i need help in put away laundry (all these without telling him everytime), or have him not be mad at me when I take long hours to get ready. He hates my BIL and told me the first day they met. I cant do anything about it.

    - Not meeting expectations is okay. Among us, I am the only one who cooks. He cannot even order a good meal,let alone cook something for me. this is mostly because he eats everything without complaints, and I am more like a gourmet eater. Once in while I wish for a meal cooked from my husband, but then I will come back to reality. Not even when I am sick. It is sad at that time, but he just doesnot like to cook. But he helps me with cutting vegetables, doing dishes and putting away cooked food. He does a fantastic job cleaning up kitchen counters. I have a lot of pet peeves when it comes to household work. I do not expect him to do it my way now.

    Mine was an arranged marriage. I met him only two weeks before the wedding. we still thank gods, that we turned out okay! But it was hard work. I had to give up my grudge a lot of times. but it was worth it. Fast forward to 9 years and 9 months now, we tell what we want always. This why we do not gift each other anything. and we are okay with that. At birthdays & anniversaries, we ask each other what we want and we are allowed to go get it. It is more like a present to me from me.
     
  6. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    Gosh! @Amulet, we can count on you to bring out the gems and that too from 10 years ago!!! Thank you very much for getting that to us. I hope this gets periodically posted in the Singles forum as well as parenting forum so folks can get to know a great example of what expectations to set from their kids and spouses.
     
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  7. blissfulmember

    blissfulmember Senior IL'ite

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    I have no expectation in my marriage.
    Even if there is some in my subconscious mind I want it to go.

    All I aiming for is unconditional acceptanance of my spouse, which is where magic happens.

    I am in my marriage is to give, give and give.
    That's how the innner world works.
    The more you give the more you get. Bliss
     
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  8. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    I expect to be happy and to contribute to his happiness. So far, so good.
    .
     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I expected him to prioritize me, and love me the most. This way, what I wanted was to spend more or all the time with him. That was the only expectation I had before marriage

    To understand him and accept all the issues his parents or family bring to our marriage. He knew them, and knew they will bring issues. He always stood by my side before marriage whenever they brought issues. But for briefly after marriage he changed, and took their sides too.
    Thank God, he is back with me. And as he expected, I have accepted their flaws, and started ignoring him.

    During our 5 years of relationship before marriage, we had all the time in hands to convey all this to each other.

    We made sure we remind each other on our expectations in so many different ways.
    When these are not met, we argued, expressed our disappointments, and patched up again with a new promise. For about 5 years, it continued the same. But now, we understood each other and are happy that we both have satisfied each others expectation to the max of our limits.

    Nothing wrong. Just that, you need to explicitly communicate your expectation from your spouse, and clarify things if any.
    It is not easy to satisfy other persons' expectation given the complex context of our culture and marriage. But time in and again, you can communicate with your spouse as to how much effort you take to satisfy each other's expectation and what are the obstacles that come your way, and how best you both can cope up to win as couple.

    It is all about communication and understanding
     
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  10. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    No. Not at all wrong to have expectations.
    In marriage, one would have to expect a better scheme of life than one already has. If having to tolerate the presence of a spouse-at-home all the time is a major setback, one can always marry a spouse who works abroad. This way one could get the best of the spouse without having to tolerate the nasties due to their presence in the household.
    Many guys who work in the middle east (Quatar and Abu Dhabi are big employers of many people, and indirect sponsors of a lot of peaceful households in India). Those employed send money home, and not visit, do not even realize how happy they make their spouses (usually wives) and their in-laws. Absence of a nasty person is indeed the best gift one can give.
     

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