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What Are The Steps To Take For Divorce

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by snehalJoshi, Aug 4, 2021.

  1. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    My married life is nothing new for IL ladies.

    I am too scared to divorce and feel it may be worse than living with my DH.

    Anyway, at least I need to understand if I want to divorce what preparation do I need to make?

    I have no support from anyone in the US. I have little kids.
    I am financially independent.

    1. I am scared that my DH will do anything possible to hurt me to an extent of involving my kids into this and trying his best telling them that the sole reason for divorce is your mother.

    2. what if he abuses me physically? I have zero guts of calling 911.

    3. what are the steps? He needs to move-out first (he denied to move-out) , he won't let me move-out.

    4. when to contact lawyer? marriage took place in India, will US divorce help me?

    5. My kids love their father but my DH is unstable, when he is in a bad mood he screams.yells at them for no reason. they cry and he yells more at them.
    I am scared for a joint custody because i don't feel comfortable living my kids with him when I am not around. Even today, I hardly leave my kids with him at home when I am not around. When he wants to take them to a playground it is still ok because he doesn't yell/scream/spank the kids in front of others.

    6. My fantasy life - a small apartment in a warmer place where there is no stress at home, me and my kids and grandparents who visit us in-between. my husband is nowhere near. We are happy. I am unmarried and taking care of kids and doing my office work. My kids are happy. There is no constant pressure - of what if I do this then is there a big fight/blame/screaming? what if I have guest at home, will I be insulted? what if my parents visit me, will they be indirectly tortured by my DH ?

    Will my kids be happy without their father?

    Anyway, if you have time, please help me understand about the divorce in the US.
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    I dont have any direct experience in this aspect. But the feedback below is from the information I got from my friend who has gone through this.
    It will be better to talk to a marriage counsellor/ therapist. They may help you to prepare for divorce and other issues ( as you are working ask your EAP about it. They cover free sessions) . It will be better if you can find someone ( indian background if possible) who are familiar with Indian arranged marriage and can connect to you. Some of them can act as mediator also. They will help you to find solutions to all questions you raised here. They can suggest good lawyers in that area.

    If not, find a good divorce lawyer who can help you. Also heard there are also divorce coaches to prepare on how to deal with the whole process. There are many sites that help you. Search in your area.

    Kids need both parents. Completely cutting their father from their life is not healthy. So find a middle ground.
    Most of the time court provide joint custody. Otherwise, you have to prove that he is a bad father. Also, they distribute every thing evenly. Otherwise both of you should find a way to divide your marital property through mediation. Child support will be mostly covered by the parent who earns more. It will be good for your kids, if both of you can be cordial in your dealings.

    If you are planning an exit, collect all information and prepare yourself in all aspects. There are lot of information on divorce and child custody online. Dont trust lawyer blindly. Collect all tax, finance records, keep every thing in order. Once you are ready and prepared in all aspects, only then proceed. I believe consulting professionals as mentioned above may help you. Also read other posts on divorce in IL, that may give a good idea.
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2021
  3. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    IN US divorce courts are more friendly towards the woman ... Even if she is the violent and abusive one.

    From what you describe this male is a physical and emotional danger to both you and your kids. If this is proven in court you will get full custody.

    I dunno why you are scared of calling 911, in USA female is treated like human. It is not India where she is treated lower than street dog.

    Police will either arrest him or make him leave the premises. They will tell you how to get ORDER OF PROTECTION.

    It's your choice.

    May I recommend forums.freeadvice.com. They are volunteer lawyers who give more info. And if you use your same handle, snehaJoshi they will be more sympathetic and helpful to you (because you are foreign female)

    I had brief experience in this (no kids, tortured only few months). These USA lawyers (especially men) look at Indian woman from abusive home as damsel in distress and want to help.

    Hec, even the cops were sympathetic. They said next time marry someone from USA, not India where they say rape is ok and hang women (yes, the cop told me this)

    You know your situation better us. You are in my prayers.
     
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  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I am sorry for your troubles.
    From what I understand in the US judges usually lean in favor of joint custody, unless there are very serious reasons to the contrary. Be prepared that you will be in a coparenting situation, unless your husband voluntarily gives up his rights. If at all you can come to an amicable agreement that will the best for everyone. The laws in each state will vary. Start putting your own affairs in order quietly.
    You can do one consultation with a lawyer and come prepared with a list of questions so that you get clarity on the process. However if you and your spouse can reach a mutual agreement and go for mediation you can save a lot of stress and money.
    If there is any form of abuse then you should not tolerate it. Start documenting everything and if at any time you are in danger call the appropriate authorities.
    Whatever happens risk the temptation to put your kids in the middle.
     
  5. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Family law in the USA is STATE specific. There are no federal standards. You have to divulge which jurisdiction applies to you.
    You have to keep records of deterioration of family peace, and incidences of abuse. And seek legal help in your location.
     
  6. dhara18

    dhara18 Senior IL'ite

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    It look like you had developed trauma bonding with your husband. When you stay in abusive marrige for while , you loose all your confidence. 1st work with your self confidence and fear and anxiety you carrying inside
    You have lot of fear that how nasty your husband could be if you do so and so.. I was in same plate for a while. My marriage was crazy to, husband was throwing the things , yelling and screaming to control and was seeing me as such dependent on him( I am financially independent too) and he had confidence that I will never to anything against him... I had fear for long time , what could happen to me and.my child if I take any step against him etc.. but one day I broke my barrier and called 911, they arrested him immediately, he was in a jail for a day, I had rescued him eventually.. but with domestic violence no contact order get issued immediately.. he must leave home and has to.pay for bail if he wants to come out.. it was dam rough on me as I was by myself no support with small kid and full time job.. we had only verbal arguments the day he was arrested, finally case was dropped on my request.. but that made my life upside down.. fear I was holding was so wrong.. my husband realized what I can do and how much I can accept.. now he think 1000 time before he raise his voice.. more than that I have more stable job and financial plan for me and my child, he knows professionally I more advance than him and believe me one call to 911 had raised my self confidence, that I don't take ********.. but I do treat my husband with respect , we discuss with more maturity now.
     
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  7. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Welcome to this forum. We need more of your ilk. Bravo.
     
  8. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP- Sorry to hear about your situation! Please believe in yourself, you are stronger than you think.

    For divorce, every state has its own laws. You will need to understand the procedures in your state. I would suggest making a list of 4-5 family law attorneys and meet with them in person. The first meeting is free of charge. They will ask you questions about your relationship, abuse of any kind, etc. to determine the correct ground for divorce. Most important thing during these meetings is that you be absolutely truthful. Answer questions matter of fact. For instance, instead of saying that he is a good father let the attorney determine and you just give facts. “He plays with the kids, takes care of them by doing……etc.”
    The attorneys will let you know the steps and documents needed. You don’t have to go ahead with filing divorce if you don’t feel like after these meetings. But this is the first step for you to understand the procedure and also see the issue more clearly when you start talking about it.

    You can talk about custody issues during these meetings.

    I met three attorneys before I decided on my attorney. I was also married in India and my ex was still in India when I filed for divorce in the USA. Yes, an Indian marriage can be dissolved in the USA.
     
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  9. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    @snehalJoshi This paragraph inspired my latest poem, Franklin Covey Says, "begin With The End In Mind" | Indusladies
     
  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    This is a highly arguable point, often dished out like an axiom.

    Many may contend that the presence of the father in the household contributed much to the dysfunction of the family; they tolerated it because of the money he had brought in to pay the expenses.

    Growing up, such children dream of an absent father, who'd only send in the money and remain absent. And many abused wives in servitude may even dream in Technicolor.
    upload_2021-8-5_9-46-44.png
     
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