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Wfh Creating Issues!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by LonelyWoman, Mar 22, 2020.

  1. LonelyWoman

    LonelyWoman New IL'ite

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    Sorry for the long post, had to provide some background before posting the current issue (Good thing is I can link to this thread whenever I need to post some background before sharing anything). Feel free to skip to "Current issue at hand" if you don't want to read the rest.

    Basic stuff: Married for 15+ years. Have a 14 year old. Husband has always been against me working right from the beginning. But I am ambitious and highly qualified. Took time off to work from home when my son was younger but now for the past 5 years, I have been working outside. Earn well though not as much as him (Could have earned much more if I had not taken the semi-break). Have built a good career despite his complete lack of support. He does not help out much at home and shows absolutely no interest in my career. Doesn't even ask how my day was at work or check if a major event went well, etc. I used to cook more when I worked from home but now, I do things as needed (If he is hungry, I cook + make something every weekend that he likes). Cleaning, dishes, grocery shopping etc. are unavoidable regardless of whether one cooks.

    As a couple: We also have some personality differences - he is the passive aggressive kind who will mope for days and go on silent treatment mode to punish others. He is egoistic and won't ever tell me that he appreciates me leave alone loves me. He is a "feeler" but only feels his own pain. Cannot put himself in my shoes ever. I am more like a volcano who erupts suddenly, vents and then gets on with life as if nothing happened. I am not particularly expressive or touchy-feely myself (more of a "think" person) and he keeps pointing out that I am not empathetic. Have fights at least once in two-three months about typical couples stuff like 1. He doesn't help out at home 2. Doesn't support my working 3. I nag 4. He doesn't connect with my family well but expects me to spend days at his place during our India trips....you know how all these go with Indian men. Overall, we are OK and try to get along most of the time watching movies and getting into some interesting discussions about life/politics/philosophy etc. but once in a while, he does bring up the D-word.

    Issue on hand: With the Covid situation, everyone is working from home and last week I was super busy. I had several calls and online meetings that went on for hours. I mostly served leftovers from the weekend and made some very simple stuff with rice that we ate for 2-3 days. Note that he kept saying he is just lazing around as the whole work-from-home thing isn't working for him, which means he could have stepped up and cooked too. Yesterday he tells me in the middle of another unrelated fight that he is upset that I barely cooked and made anything special for him the whole week! I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. This is not a vacation for us; it is just moving regular work to the home setting. Despite him knowing how busy I was, he expects me to cater to his needs and adjust my schedule according to his requirements. I pointed out this to him and his reaction was that he never wanted a wife who works! After 15+ years of marriage he keeps saying this once in a while!!

    We are not talking right now. Staying silent is not my forte and at the same time, I am sad and disappointed by his expectations and complete lack of understanding that my career is something I cannot give up as it makes me happy. I also worry about the next couple of weeks! I am going crazy after just 5 days. I don't want to apologize and I also know that if I try to have a discussion, the fight will get worse (has happened several times in the past).

    Any suggestions or similar stories to make me feel better?
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    It always feels great for me to read about women who went back to work after taking a break to be home with young kid(s). To have done that with no support or encouragement from the husband is even more commendable. Super commendable. Everyone needs to discuss work stuff with spouse now and then - the small day to day stuff and the somewhat bigger stuff.
    "Overall, we are OK and try to get along most of the time watching movies and getting into some interesting discussions about life/politics/philosophy etc. " that is a summary most couples married for 15 years might give. : )

    One thing that might (not will) make you feel better is: husband not supportive of your working is something that one can try and live with and lead a fairly pleasant life. A husband who is pushing a wife to get back to work and she is not able to find a job or time to study and prep is a day-to-day life that sometimes has no respite in the 24 hrs. The struggle to manage home, kids and work with no support is slightly easier than bearing the daily question of 'what progress have you made in the interview prep, job hunt?'
     
  3. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Actually him and you not talking now is good, to have a peaceful day.
    On his complaints of food, may be spend extra half an hour and make something special everyday and have a peaceful day without talking much to him. He might be trying to trigger you to fight. Otherwise in this tough situation we should be thankful for what we have and being with family.
    What for D-word he brings up? Did you ask what he is missing, because of you working his 3 time fresh hot meal is missing?
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2020
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  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husband’s silly behavior should be the biggest reason for you to never give up on your career. Set new norms in terms of cooking and everything else. Your husband gets away with the sulking, don’t cater to him too much. Someone who demands special food should haul his a** to the kitchen and help out .
    Having to stay at home 24/7 for a couple of weeks will test a lot of marriages. So it’s good to maintain distance and do your own thing. Don’t over exert yourself , pick up a hobby and find some downtime to chill and be happy.
     
  5. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    when children can register to vote in USA, or/and go away to college, marriages of parents change, and go to a new equilibrium. Anywhere from total bliss to happy divorce. You have to bear with only 4 more years. You say that you can forget as if nothing had happind: This explains much, and would serve you well in the future.
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2020
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  6. NOW

    NOW Bronze IL'ite

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    Does it work for you guys if you do bulk of cooking in weekend and freeze for use in weekdays ? That is what we are planning to do as there is no time on weekdays to cook elaborately. Also coming up with a routine where everyone is on same page will be better. Set expectations based on time, groceries available and energy levels. If he is still complaining then ignore and focus on yourself and your son !! Hope you find peace and rest amidst this covid19 situation.
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    I am also wfh due to Corona issues. I dont know much about your work. In my case, I stick with my meetings and calls. But they are scheduled in advance. So I made the rest of the schedule flexible. Usually I cook during weekends and not much on weekdays. But as kids are also staying home, I try to spend some extra time for food and make sure we eat together all the time. Once it's done, I go back to work. Take a break again during lunch time. Generally I stop working by 5.30 PM atleast . But as I am working from home, I work extra hours to cover the time I used for other stuff. After 700PM , I may cook something if possible for the next day or so. If we plan well we can manage it well. I have instructed my kids not to disturb me if I am working. So far its ok.

    Anyway, do whatever you can. I think trying to convince your dh is not going to work. You already tried it for the last 15 years. So dont take his complaints to your heart. If he wants to be in silent mode. Let him enjoy that. You can carry on as usual. If you want a smooth wfh now, better don't go after him by explaining your side.

    Also consider about outsourcing cleaning. It really helped me.

    Never ever give up your dreams. If career is important, focus on it and stick with your plan. Let others make noise, dont care much.

    Even if you do every thing perfect, complaints will be there.
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2020
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  8. RetireFI

    RetireFI Senior IL'ite

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    Most of us working moms/wives are going through this similar crisis.
    I now realize how much I used to rely on Thai/Chinese take outs to relieve me of the burden to cook 3 meals a day :)

    Our WFH ordeal started 4 weeks ago. Husband doesn’t manage teams, he is IC but I manage teams, so I cannot take breaks like him. My productivity is not measured by LOC or issues fixed unlike him. He doesn’t seem to understand that after lunch break, I cannot walk around the neighborhood with him or make chai at 3:00 and sit and drink with him leisurely as I have mtgs, follow ups etc. Looks like performance reviews with mgmt on what we did whole year is lot easier than explaining husband on why I need to work like I do :)
     
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  9. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Reminded me of all of those "you're not the boss of me" memes.
    upload_2020-3-22_11-26-19.png
     
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  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    it really hurts to see such loser men, who are living in some dream of 18th century. i normally do not side any gender. does he even realize what is the big impact we are having. jobs can go out, people can be sick for days. this is not the time to act like a maharaja.

    this is not the time to stress yourself at all. i feel this is the time, working couple should plan well. cutting cooking should be done a night before. Please do not stress yourself. Do what you can. this is not the time to fight also. stress will reduce immune system.

    I do not want to say take every insult , but at this time, just do not respond too much. people with poor attitudes can not be pleased.

    i have 2 kids, school is remote, my H is very serious now in planning lunch and dinner a day before by 9;00 pm. Teaching kids remote , young is so hard. I have got great respect for teachers who deal with my kids for hours after this Covid incidents.

    take care and focus on running stuff, like house and work. it may not be perfect but as long it is healthy, it is ok.

    You cannot change him, that period is over, time is to keep your sanity .

    sorry if i sound silly, but working remote is too depressing. i am just waiting to go to work, i might even hug the receptionist if i see her when i go to office. At this time, one cannot afford to have stupid fights about tasty food.
     
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