Were Our Grandmas Happy?

@Rihana , you come up with the most intriguing / thought provoking topics that could be in anyone's mind but not spelt out as such ! Let me congratulate you for the same before i give my comments .
It has often crossed my mind, especially in recent years, after i have become a grandmother to 2 kids each of each of son's. The freedom and content I experience is nowhere what my mother in law (with 5 sons and their families) enjoyed. All of us daughter in laws were working full time and although they stayed with us in turns of around 4 to 5 years at a stretch, i cannot say we gave them our undivided attention. To her credit, she never interfered in day to day running of the household whether financial or otherwise, mainly because she was trained to accept this as the men's domain. During holidays or so, we saw to it that they accompanied us on tours etc - Otherwise she had to occupy herself with her puja, reading etc. Being considered 'old' she was not burdened with child care much and children were sent to day care and school later, so that they could relax. 'Old" here meant she was only around 60-62 when she came to live with us , upto around 67-68. Now, being 70, I dont consider myself old, and continue the same lifestyle i had while i was working full time. This makes me reflect often of the life my MIL and mother too lead, which i would not consider happy and fulfilling- although they never voiced such opinions.

 

Hello @Rihana Mam
I appreciate you bringing up such a unique and important topic for discussion. I’m sure this will spark a lot of responses, feedback, and diverse opinions.
Personally, I believe there are both pros and cons to the situation.

1)Early marriage -

Earlier, brides often got married without having a say in the matter, sometimes before they were ready. Nowadays, while it’s not always the case, many brides have more say in their choice, and even if their parents are still involved, there’s usually more consideration for what the bride wants. This is a positive change for women, as it gives them more control over such an important decision.

2)Lack of education -

Even though our grandmothers may not have had formal education, they were often very skilled at managing households and raising families. In many ways, they had a deep understanding of what needed to be done—when to wake up, what to eat, how to work, and how to adapt to challenges. I feel that in some ways, these practical life skills are lacking in today’s world, where people might have more formal education but less hands-on experience with everyday life.

3)Restricted mobility -

Regarding restricted mobility, I have mixed feelings. In the past, women were often confined to the home, and their world was very limited. Today, while women have more freedom to move, there are still real risks to their safety—like in cases such as the Nirbhaya incident. I believe women should have the freedom to move and live as they wish, but that freedom should come with security. As Gandhi once said, true freedom hasn't yet arrived, and for women, that means both freedom and safety must go hand in hand.

4)Financial dependence -

Financial independence has been a game-changer for women; it has completely transformed many aspects of their lives. Having the ability to earn and manage their own money has opened doors for women in ways that weren't possible before. Women in the workforce not only improved their own lives but also created opportunities for other women, helping those who were facing difficult circumstances.

5)Property rights -

While women may have had property rights, in some cases, they were still cheated out of their inheritance, sometimes by their own families. There are instances where women’s property was taken from them, and they were left to live in old age homes. Of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone, but I’ve seen and heard similar stories, even from the grandmothers in my own community.

6)Sexual norms,Sexual consent ,Sexual satisfaction,Birth control -
Today, we certainly have much more knowledge and awareness than our grandmothers did. In the past, women were often forced to keep having children, sometimes just to have a male heir. Many suffered from repeated abortions, and some even faced cruel treatment from their in-laws if they couldn't have children. It’s incredibly ironic that, as women, they were the ones causing such suffering to other women, all in the name of continuing the family lineage. Thankfully, modern technology and greater awareness have helped resolve many of these issues today.

7)Social norms -

Today's generation is certainly fortunate in this regard. In the past, widows and women abandoned by their husbands were often treated as second-class citizens. They faced immense cruelty, not only from society but even from their own families, and were sometimes even imprisoned in their own homes.

8)Cultural norms -

Today’s women have a lot more freedom to choose which traditions they want to follow and which they don’t. Many women are no longer afraid to voice their opinions, something that was often unheard of in earlier generations.

9)Menstruation-

I completely agree with you. While it was considered 'me-time' in the past, it also provided much-needed physical and mental rest, which is essential for every woman, no matter the generation. Unfortunately, the lack of proper rest during menstruation today is contributing to many health issues.

I believe that, whether in the past, present, or future, one skill every woman must possess is the ability to raise her voice. In the past, many women had to remain silent, but today, many are speaking up and being heard. A woman plays a crucial role in the family; wrong domination can tear a family apart, but the right guidance can elevate not just the family, but the community and society as a whole. It’s not an easy task, which is why women deserve the high respect they are given.

My apologies for such a long reply, and my thanks in advance for reading it with patience.

Regards
Ratna

 

Tricky question. I think the introvert grandmas would have been happy and content with whatever they had /got in life, whereas the extrovert grandmas would have been unhappy as they couldn't rebel or revolt like todays generation.

 

Right off the bat I wanted to state that both of my grandmothers had 6 children each and my maternal grandmother gave birth to 15 children, 12 of whom survived to adulthood. So I’d like to think they had at least some good times LOL.
As for whether they were happy, from my family experience the ones who had no money problems were far happier than the grandmas in the households that were struggling. My maternal grandmother was a gregarious, confident lady who commanded a healthy respect from all who were in her orbit. My grandfather was a well to do and prominet member of society and they lived in a huge house bustling with all manner of visitors and relatives. They had plenty of maids and 2 cooks and my grandmother enjoyed her role as the family and community matriarch. My grandfather let her have free rein over her domain. She was a beloved fixture for many.
My paternal grandmother was also wonderful in her own way but they constantly had to scrape for money so that always weighed heavily on her. It was particularly sad since she had grown up pampered in a very wealthy household until her brother squandered away the inheritance by gambling. She had no time to develop her own talents and life kept dealing her a series of harsh and underserved blows. She tried her best but we could see that it took a toll on her mind and body, especially a situation with one of her children that tormented her for her entire life. I have often thought about what she might have hoped for, had circumstances been more favorable.

 

Interesting topic, Rihana. There was a time I used to think our grandmas were less stressed out and less confused. They were not educated, so there was no question of 'to work or not to work'. The finances were in the hands of the men. So they bought whatever groceries were needed for the house. No question of 'what to cook'. You could only cook whatever was available. All women stayed at home and all men went to work. No question of lack of self worth etc. Roles were clearly divided. They did not have to worry about childrens' homework or chauffeuring them all round the city.

On the other hand, they could not have escaped the eternal issues of interpersonal relationships, kitchen politics in the house, issues of right to self-determination wrt marriage, having children etc. But then I have a question. Maybe some women today do have that right. But how many do? And those who don't have the worst of both worlds - at home as well as outside.