Ladies and Gentlemen... This is your Captain 'James' aka Santa welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the highway dhaba. This is flight no. 911-II to Ludhiana. Landing in Ludhiana is not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing directly on your village. Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 90% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits. For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you quickly find out whether God really exists. We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also put a pair of binoculars under your seat. As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down.Life jackets are placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water landings on any of our five rivers. Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belts. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage of water we require for your tea. I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend to my nephew's wedding. But co-pilot Banta will have wireless access to me in case he needs flying instructions from time to time. For an extra $15 or two chicken sandwich, our attendant Bubbly Kaur will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain's seat in the cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view. Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways ! bonkbonkbonkbonk
