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Weird problem

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by needCBT, Nov 9, 2015.

  1. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    It is a culturally accepted practice which is on decline due to medical disadvantages .Even movies promote it in a big way.

    This is going to come up again and again by relatives too.

    If you hear it in front if you , then and there tell them not to do it as it makes it awkward for children . They will decide what to do when they grow up and most probably you and SIL will not have any role who they select as thier spouses.

    Anyway you are too far away for any of this to effect you too much , so handle it in a cool way.

    are you not from south , these things usually are commented when children are born and then it fizzles out naturally.
     
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  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    NeedCBT, are ur inlaws from tamil nadu?
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear OP

    Cousin marriages are considered normal in India... In some families, they think it is their right to 'ask' a bride from their bro's or sis's family. Further, it is considered that a "cpusin" becomes first priority when you begin the bride/groom search. Moreso, there are plenty of regional movies that promotes this.
    So, any kind of legal awareness, or threatening by mentioning child marriage is not gonna stop their thinking.

    As per your OP, your "sick" MIL is not going to switch it off, just because you are hinting a several times your displeasure on this. Perhaps, the more you resist, the more she would pester you guys.

    So, handle this issue with lot of care.

    First of all tell your husband that "it is not right to allow some one to think or call your child as his wife". He may be too small now, but as he grows it might give him an opportunity to view your child as a wife figure. This is not good for that male kid as well as your DD.
    Patiently tell your husband that his mom and sis are doing it out of love, and rights on your family. Amidst this, they are harming the little mind of their son.
    What if your DD refuse to marry an Indian, but chose an American instead?
    What if your DD becomes a high profiled career woman, and this cousin of her doesn't grow up to that standard?
    In such situations, you can't force your child to marry her cousin against her wish.
    Further, refusing to marry him simply means breaking his heart and hopes. Speak for that "cousin" who deserves more respect and care than be in such a vulnerable position. His ambitions should be to become something special rather than to become a husband of his cousin.
    So, ask your H to close this matter right away.

    Once he has stated his position, go on to state yours as well. Repeat everytime diplomatically that you parents can only wish the future of the kids, but it is upto them to chose their life. So, better not to drag this matter for the next 20 years.
    Further, prepare your child to call her cousin as "brother" and introduce him as an elder bro figure.
    If possible tell the same to that little male child, who is apparently a victim here.
     
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  4. RedFlower

    RedFlower Silver IL'ite

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    Exactly... Cant change the adults... and that too if they are in laws. Train the kids for bro -sis relationship. Talk lot with your DD. Even before she understands what is happening around her, get her an appearance that SIL's son is like her own brother.
     
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  5. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    When you go to India and when they mention this for the first time, be direct with them that you do not encourage such talk as the children start believing in it after they start understanding the implications and you have "absolutely no intetion" of getting your daughter married to cousin (either side of the cousin) due to the medical reasons. Ask them firmly to stop such talks.

    It may be easy for them to ignore their own son / sibling but not so easy when they hear it from DIL / SIL..
     
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  6. needCBT

    needCBT Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your suggestions. Sorry for delayed response, I was unable to login until now.

    I must not, will not blow up in front of my ILs. It will make me the villain and I will lose my H's support in this matter. I was looking for suggestions to keep my cool and did get many of them. Thank you.

    I get violently angry when I hear such talk, but I have learned to assuage myself quickly when I am alone here.
    When I visit, they are sure to gang up on me. I will have to talk to them politely with a(n incredulous?) smile, the responses in this thread give me something to throw at them each time.

    To answer some questions, we are all from A.P. I have seen a lot of cousin marriages in my family.

    A PP has asked why I was quiet until my daughter was born. I was not quiet. The day I heard it, I told my husband I will not tolerate this talk and that neither should he. We were on terrible terms during that time, but still, my H paid heed to what I said and has been firmly telling his sis and mom from 4 years that it will NOT happen. I cannot ask anymore of him.

    I doubt they are doing it to annoy me, they are just hardcore optimists that believe in nagging their way to victory.

    I do feel bad for my nephew; Some of the things I see on skype are just horrible examples of bad parenting. But that is fodder for another thread which I will never create because it is none of my business.

    Thanks again. I feel better.
     
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    You already got lot of very sincere advice from the other IL-ites. If none of those work try a lil arrogant but playful approach. Do you have a similarly relation nephews on your side of family who can be considered potential grooms for your daughter? If so, when MIL/SIL finally gets your goat in India, tell them they will have to get in line to marry your daughter because xx son of yyy, zz son of abc, all on your side of family are already there ready to marry her! Works both ways right?
     
  8. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    1Sandhya,

    I guess they are just doing it out of love for your husband. I did not know it was such an issue. But I will definitely take care not to mention to my brother when he has kids because I have two sons. I am sure calling like that will not mean that they will end up marrying or anything like that. I however do suggest that you do not tell your daughter to call him as brother - someone who is not our relative did that to me once and I got annoyed. He is not her prospective boyfriend but he is not brother either, he is a cousin brother and address the same way. You can tell them in a polite manner that you respect them but you do not think it is right to do whatever they are doing. Please don't get annoyed and show anger until it really gets out of hand, that will cause hurt.
     
  9. msindu

    msindu Bronze IL'ite

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    even arjuna married his cousin. it is part of every major religion for your information and not considered incest.
     
  10. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    So that makes it okay? If Arjuna knew anything about chromosomal crossover and expression of recessive alleles he too would've thought twice before marrying a relative. The past is not a justification for repeating the same practices in the present especially in light of knowledge that did not exist in the past.
     
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