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Weird problem

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by needCBT, Nov 9, 2015.

  1. needCBT

    needCBT Bronze IL'ite

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    My SIL has a 4 year old son and since he was born she has been saying that he should marry her brother's daughter. (my+husband's daughter, who did not exist at that time. Marriage between cousins on the maternal side are common in my state.)
    This was often expressed to my husband via Skype, within my earshot. I did not like it and told my husband to nip it in the bud. He thought it was an innocent desire and does no harm. I gave a IRL example of such a brainwashed girl who married her deadbeat cousin against parents' wishes(they no longer approved) because she imagined herself in love and is extremely unhappy now. My H got convinced and used to tell them clearly not to have such wishes about other people's lives.

    As it turns out, I now have a daughter, few weeks old. On Skype, my MIL and SIL prompt my nephew to call her 'XYZ wifey'. Of course it will never happen, but it boils my blood. Apart from everything else, the very idea of my daughter becoming my SIL's DIL leaves me frothing at my mouth. So far I have not said anything to my husband, nor do I intend to - because he always tells them strongly and firmly not to say such things. But they don't seem to understand and bring it up every other time.

    In a few months, we will go to India so my sick MIL can meet my daughter. I am sure they will bring it up with me directly. Please give me some tips so that my head doesn't explode when it happens. My MIL is a well trained martyr and is sure to play the sick card. Is there any diplomatic way to get it into their heads that both of us don't like this proposal and it will not happen ever? So that I don't have to hear it again and potentially repeat the same thing for 20+ years.

    I have other marriage troubles in control for now as my husband isn't letting others interfere in our life. I know this is a non issue and so maybe I should just ignore it. Very irritated and I guess just venting.
     
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  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Has been told to them 100 times, and they dont and wont listen even if you explain and yell another 100 times, and will only make your life more complicated.
    Take it in one ear, and leave it out the other ear, ....esp since they are your H's mom and sis and they will be a part of his life as blood relation.
     
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Turn it right back and joke with them.
    Tackling it head on will backfire. Once the kids grow up they will likey tire of this foolishness and it will come to a natural end. And by the time your daughter's wedding rolls around this will be just a funny memory, if even that.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell them it is a decision that the children can take when they grow old enough to marry. Besides 20-25 years on...who knows if parents will hve any say n marriage decisions.

    If they ask the little boy to call your baby "wifey"....tell him,no son,she is your little sister and you are her bhaiya(or equivalent in your language).
    Send him Rakhi from your little girl.
     
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  5. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi, I don't think there is any need to break your head so much over this silly thing! You just roll your eyes and tell them it is ridiculous that they have these weird notions when the kids are this young. Tell them not to spoil the relationship the cousins will have with these kinds of silly ideas.

    One of my friends who has 2 sons used to do this, constantly joke that my 2 daughters will be her DILs some day! One day in all seriousness, she asks me how I would feel about at least one of my daughters marrying one of her sons. All I said was, we'll see and that we had a lot of time to think about it, mainly to see if my daughter was going to marry a boy or a girl or get married at all. She never raised it from then on!
     
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  6. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    No, dear @yellowmango, that NEVER works in some south indian communities... They are NEVER brother-sister. They are FIRST option for husband / wife, as OP mentions is her main problem.

    @needCBT, Talks such as "call her your wife" to a 4 yr old boy seriously mangles his thinking, and is repelling to say the least. Such things fester in young minds; I have known some kids exploring sexually at a very young age, cos they have a "girlfriend" when they are not even in their teens.

    It is NOT a joke, it is not something to listen and tune out for the next 20+ years. For God's sake, ur DD is what? A few months old?? And her husband has been decided before she is out of diapers??

    Please put your foot down hard. First, in front of your DH. Not because your SIL is going to be a BAD MIL (Oh No! She is the best angel, and her son is a great catch!), but because talking about your DD's marriage at this stage is ridiculous, be it to your SIL's son or anyone else, for that matter.

    You should have done this the first time you heard this nonsense. Why did you wait for your DD to be born to cut their crap??? Better late than never. The message should come loud and clear from your DH to your MIL and SIL, once and for all.
     
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  7. Lakshmipav

    Lakshmipav Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with what yellowmango said .. We are two sisters n two brothers .. My bro married SIL ( aunts daughter ) at his wish.. At my inlaws they don't like these kind of marriages .. So DH told me they shouldn't keep any thoughts like that wid my daughter near in future ..

    i stood by DH and I taught my dd to call both my nephews like anna(elder ) tammudu(younger) .. Now they also calling her sister .. They say everybody around my house that they have a sister in USA .. If neighbors says ( u know how neighbors at towns) something like she is ur maradalu they won't agree they say no she is our sister ..

    but here I don't hav prob with either my bro or SIL they are happy to see kids like bro n sisters .. So in your case tell your Sil clearly that she is your daughter u will decide what's good n bad for now she is very young to talk such things .. So stop discussing these things lets kids play together ..

    remember during your trip by mistake if your nephews call her something don't be angry it's not Thier mistake .. Mistake is mothers .. So tell them she is your little sister ..
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    What about when the little girl is old enough to understand such comments? She will also have to be trained to take it in one ear and out the other? Such comments and being required to ignore them could seriously warp her view of many things.

    Partial, rude, unloving grandparents/aunt is one thing. Those who make such comments after being told not to is another.

    I don't think this is a case where the 'tune it out' method can be applied.
     
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  9. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Exactly. Especially in this era of so much child abuse lurking here and there, it is NOT ok for a child to grwo up thinking that someone referring to them as a "wife" is an ok thing to do. Nip it in the bud itself.
    When they say this again tell them that it is not ok to joke about such things . Make sure that you let them know that you think it is a joke. Also, tell your H and explain the same.
     
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  10. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    When your daughter is old enough, refer to her cousin as brother. When your sil's child calls her somethign inappropriate, tell him sister is the right word. Blowing up in front of inlaws may not yield the right results. Just give them a look and advise the young boy about what brother and sister relationship is. You can also use the tactic another poster used above - bringing up the sexual inclinations of both children 25 years from now. And finally, you can also tell them, whom your child marries is your prerogative, not theirs. If MIL plays the "sick" card - asj her - just because your are sick should I do be a part of something I don't approve of and that too regarding my daughter?
     
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