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Weighty Matters

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Kamalji, May 7, 2013.

  1. Kamalji

    Kamalji IL Hall of Fame

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    Weighty Matters​

    Seems the airlines were reading my blogs allright, for I had been advocating schemes since long for them, of how they can milk the cows, sorry I mean the passengers, and now literary they are putting their hands in our pockets to jack up their profits.

    But they did not read my blogs carefully, what I advocate is , that they come out with schemes wehre the passenger willingly puts his hands in his own pocket and gives out money with a smile, and not where they forcibly put their hands in our pockets.

    Hence I was surprised to read what the learned MBA’s have advised the airlines. Seems they will now reduce the baggage allowance from 20 kgs to 15 kgs. This will be a sore point with the ladies specially for they fond of travelling with a lot of weight, and pleading with officers at the counters, to let them off. And most of the things are useless really.

    Air I ndia it seems has already put this into practice, and now will charge or are charging 250 per kg, so that 5 kgs that they have taken out , now will cost the passenger 750 bucks extra.And also for your seat preference they will charge u extra, for example my preference is for the aisle, some prefer the window, for they think they can see the cities and the pretty babes from the window up there in the sky, or they might see a Hoor pari flying in the sky, who might come close and say hi to the passenger and give him a flying kiss eh !

    You know a passenger is from Mumbai when he brings in boxes of Apoos mangoes, which I guess will be the first casualty . And I will keep my undies and socks and a few shirts and nightclothes in Mumbai, for I keep going there, so that will mean less luggage when I travel eh !

    Let us now examine the luggage thing. Now u allow luggage at 15 kgs, and say handbag at 10 kgs, so a total of 25 kgs. Now if harsha my wife weighs 6o kgs, so if u put her on the airport scale with the luggage, they will weigh in total 85 kgs.

    Now come to kamal. He will weight 100 +15+10 = 125 kgs. There may be many other passengers who may weight much more in body weight.

    Now look where I see the fault. If every kg will cost u 250 bucks , that means kamal wiehgs 100 kgs and so if they had 100 kgs freight , they would have earned 100 x 250 /- = 25000/= instead of the 4000/- or so that they charge us as tickets. So there I smore money to be made in cargo than on humans eh!

    If they ask me, I would say, charge by the passenger and luggage, put all them on the damn scale, cut out the free part, say 90 kgs for a male, assuming g his weight to be 70 kgs or so, so if he is fat like me, and say weighs 130 on the scale with the luggage minus 90 kgs, so I am excess of 40 kgs, multiply that by 250/- so make the passenger pay 10,000 bucks for his being overweight !!!!!!!!!

    Ask Kamalji , and he will give u killing ideas, they will make a killing in money, and passengers will be killed by heart attacks, either way it will be a kill !!!!!

    With these weighty schemes in place now, don’t u think passengers now will go on a diet a few days before flying, and take julab golis, to empty their bowels, which too will reduce a kg maybe of ****, and pee too before boarding the scale, so there will be a big line at the loos at the airports, and maybe airlines can tie up with slimming centers, and sell u their discounted schemes eh ! I would instead offer fattening pastries etc to the passengers as they enter the airport, so that they put on more weight !!!

    Even pilots are now trying to reduce weight, but their ideas are a little different. They carry weights, yes, but they have a style. They make the airhostesses sit on their laps in the cockpit, and show them how to fly a plane, and they think the extra weight of the airhostess will help them reduce weight. HAHA

    And this gives me a business idea too. There is a daily train from jaipur to Mumbai, leaves jaipur at 2 pm and arrives next day early morning 8 am in Mumbai. Now there are couriers, who charge like 15 bucks a kilo, minimum of 10 kgs, they will deliver the cargo to yr doorstep in Mumbai. I use it often.

    But not many are aware of it, since we are businessmen , we know of it, so I can now tell travel agents that give me list of passengers travelling to Mumbai, with their phone nos, and I will sell them the scheme of extra luggage, that don’t pay airlines 250 per kg, pay kamalji 50 bucks per kg, and home delivery in Mumbai next day, not bad eh !

    And the contractor for toilets would do good business at airports, for everyone will rush to empty their bowels of atleast a kg of ****, which will save 250 bucks , so we can infact charge passengers 25 bucks for the big job, and that contract would fetch so much money eh !

    Ah what is piss and **** for others, would be my bread and butter literally. Ah the good old days have come back for me to mint some money. Sitting outside the toilet., collecting money, and blogging away from the tablet eh ! Win win for all.

    Happy flying ladies and gentlemen.

    KAMAL MAHTANI

    Seeing the scams of these days, I feel that
    The Return OF my money is more important
    Than the Return ON my money !!!!!!!!



    Raining heavily, thunderstorm, in all that a man went to Pizza Hut to buy a Pizza.
    Manager – Sir , are u married ?
    Man – How did u know
    Manager – Sir, a girlfriend would never send her Boyfriend in this weather to get a pizza !!!!!!



    All the men after getting married are known as
    “ EK THA TIGER “



    Wife – Every Sunday u go Fishing ,Right ?
    Husband – Yes darling I do .
    Wife – l. Well today the fish came home, to tell me she was pregnant !!!!!



    A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie .He decides to test it at dinner.
    Dad- Son where were u today during school hours ?
    Son – At school. Robot slaps son. Ok I went to the movies.
    Dad – which one ?
    Son – Toy story – Robert slaps son again.! OK OK it was Reshma ki Jawani !
    Dad – u know when I was yr age, I never went to see such movies. Robot slaps DAD !!!
    Mom – HA HA HA HA .After all he is your Son !!!
    Robot slaps MOM. Total Silence !!!!!!



    Evolution of Man –
    Shadi ke pehle – Hero No 1
    Shaadi ke Baad – Coolie No 1


    Shadi ke pehle – Maine pyar kiya
    Shaadi ke Baad – Yeh Maine kya kiya !!!

    Shadi ke pehle – tum bin raha na jaye
    Shaadi ke Baad – Tum ko saha na jaye

    Shadi ke pehle – I love you,
    Shaadi ke Baad – aaj phir alu ?

    Shadi ke pehle – Milne kab aaogi
    Shaadi ke Baad – Mayke kab jaogi

    Rishta wohi, soch nayi !!!!!
    ( agar harsha ne yeh pad liya, to meri band baji ) !!!!!!!!!!
     
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  2. rohanburra

    rohanburra Silver IL'ite

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    Hahaha..Robot slaps mom. ......nice one kamalji......

    By the way which business r u in to if may I know..
     
  3. raji2678

    raji2678 Gold IL'ite

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    Nice post. Can you pls share the number of the courier?
     
  4. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Good one Kamalji. As it is the airlines are out to fleece the passengers. As if that is not enough, you are out to give them more ideas eh?
     
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  5. bubblygal

    bubblygal Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Kamalji,
    What an idea sirjee, but you have to give me discount!I keep flying to mumbai and more often than not when i return my bag's heavy!So you need to work on a unique scheme for me!:)
    Waah waah shaadi ke pehle shaadi ke baad jokes are toooooooooooooo good!
     
  6. Kamalji

    Kamalji IL Hall of Fame

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    thanks and welcome to my blogs.

    We are in the garment export trade, though i have retired my brother is doing it.

    Regards

    kamal

     
  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Kamalji,

    You are full of ideas and I am glad you are giving it to the people and not the airlines. Airlines already know how to extract money from their passengers. I traveled from India to the US recently and I took a United flight from New Jersey to back home. They had a screen in front of every seat and they showed some premier shows for 5 minutes and flashed a message that by swiping the credit card, we can see any show of our choice listed. When we asked for the head set, they informed that it is available for $ 3. Already they provide only soft drinks in the planes and if anyone needs a beer or food, they need to give their credit card to buy them. Soon, I won't be surprised if they begin charging for use of the toilet, oxygen masks and floatation device. If we had to exit the plane in case of emergencies, they would have someone asking the passengers to swipe their credit card to exit the plane.

    Viswa
     
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  8. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Kamalji..
    PLEEEASE AAP AISE IDEAS AIRLINES KO MAT DO...
    as it is the charge us so much and now all this no frills and cost cutting makes air travel so expensive.. upon that if they start charging me for my excess baggage inclusive of my body weight then I will be bankrupt!!!..
    why is it the jokes are always about the poor men suffering Shaadi ke Baad.. when actually they are the LIONS of the house who we poor meek wives always bow down to???? I think some one needs to start cracking jokes of "shaadi ke baad' in context to women!!!
    kerman
     

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