We Pay For Our Actions

I know IL has said focus on the future, don't worry about getting married, just be happy in the moment.

I know that, I just feel very weak right now.

My dad has said that he still has hope and optimism for the future, but now, he has very little hope.

When I mentioned prospects of me getting married in India, he got extremely upset. It is my hope that I can find a US-based job there. Really acclimate myself there, get accustomed to things, bring out the best of both worlds. Honestly, India is far from perfect, but I feel more familiar watching Indian programs, news, even Crime Patrol. Can you imagine!

How I miss the days when we did matrimonial alliance. Even though I rejected most matches because
1. I didn't need them
2. I didn't want them
3. Subconsciously, I though marriage was torture because of what I witnessed

At least I was with my Dad and his health was much better than it is now.

Now, when my Dad is calling me to do something, at least I think to myself, "at least my Dad is alive right now".

My Dad is my strength. I only got hope when he says he has hope for future and is optimistic.

Now my Dad says he is having chest pains and it is radiating to arm and leg. He doesn't want to go to Emergency Room (they make things much worse, considering my Dad's other health issues, plus ERs are so rushed, lot of med students on little sleep trying to do the work of God).

He is taking several baby aspirins though, and tomorrow I am going to get earliest Cardiologist appointment for him.

But when my Dad says that he has little hope that killed me. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said that he is more hurt that I am mentioning this to him, and he wants to be left alone.


Long time ago I was irritated that my Dad was pursuing matrimonial matches for me, and I wanted nature to take its course, i.e. if I find someone good, otherwise it is ok.

Now, I only pray that let something good and positive happen while my Dad is still alive.

Honestly, for past 2 weeks, I lost motivation in exercising (still watching my food intake and portions).

Right now, my brain is so scattered and I am asking God to be in my life.

I am wondering what terrible sins we have committed that we are now paying for. I just pray if God cannot forgive us for what we've done, at least let us work out our Karmas.

But please God, stay in every nook, corner and cranny in our lives.

 

Thank you for your heartfelt prayers.

Now when I hug my Dad I give a full, long hug till he says "go, go!"

Each hug is priceless.

 

I read and re-read your post couple of times.

The thought of placing ad on Indian matri site put a lump in my throat. So many emotions ran through me. My Dad and I tried years ago and it caused so much discord when I would entertain even a half-decent guy (now that I look back)

I will somehow have to make space for this. And take deep breath.

Painting and Indian serials (esp silly comedy) is what keeps me going.

 

Thank you so much.

When I'm ready I'll post as if my parents are posting...

 

Awesome!!!

How much I would love to post good news!