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Ways to take care of elderly parents back in India?

Discussion in 'General Discussions - USA & Canada' started by pooja, Nov 11, 2007.

  1. Gowri66

    Gowri66 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all..
    Thought provoking topic...

    View point of myself :
    It is not the question of having son or daughter, Whoever may be, we have to take care of our parents. It is because of them, we are in the world. We are also growing... we have to put ourselves in their shoes and think about it. According to me, calling them daily or sending mails, does not serve the purpose. Still they feel alone and will go into depression. We have to be by their side, when they need us . They don't need doctors.. but love and affection from their dear ones.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2008
  2. vv123

    vv123 New IL'ite

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    I agree with Gouri.. Though there are lot of old age homes still children should be on their side when they need us. Our parents were with us through out the life. It's not that the parents don't understand the importance of work but still we have to give them some time the way we give time to our children. They brought us up with so much efforts and now when they really need us.. we are asking them to go and stay in an old age home .. why ? just becoz our work is very imp for us and since we cannot leave the country we are staying.. COME ON that's not fair. Money is not everything. Again we still have life ahead of us. We still have time to do so many things .. to earn.. Just by giving them 2-3 of yr life .. staying with them does'nt mean that u have lost everything.
    It is all becoz of the insecurity they have at this age.
    Don't forget dear that we at some point in time will be in their shoes....

    Vidya
     
  3. Gowri66

    Gowri66 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi...

    Thank you are agreeing some of my view points.. I am not blaming anybody. Hope, I am not hurting anybody here .....it is my view point only.

    I equally agree - Work (Money) is important to anyone... but the on the same hand, parents too are important. this is only my view point.

    If I am going to some other country, I make sure that they are with me i.e. I will take them with me, else I will go back to my country(as soon as possible) and will be there with them, when they need and keep them happy. I too agree, at the age of 60-70, they are feeling insecure. We are helpless. To me, the aspect of insecurity can be minimised by love and affection. But still, we can give a try to make them happy, by staying with them. Isn't ? To me, old aged homes are not the solution.
     
  4. gopalan1937

    gopalan1937 Silver IL'ite

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    The best option would be to stay in "Elder's Home". Get used to live there. They provide good food .and medical comforts. It is not difficult to get used to the community life. If need be you can maintain your individuality.
    gopalan
     
  5. Madhur

    Madhur New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    This really is a very important and sensitive topic. But I guess, the less number of posts are primarily due to the fact that most of us do not know how to handle such a situation. It is unfortunate that there are very few services in India that provide care to the elderly and more importantly involve us in the process. Medical care for the elderly parents is always a matter of serious concern and causes a lot of stress and guilt..I guess all of us want to be more involved with the care giving process for our parents. Recently one of my friends told me about a home healthcare organization that caters to the medical needs of the elderly parents. They call themselves "Doorstep Doctor" and provide doctors for home visits. What I found interesting was that they call you up and provide feedback on your parents health status periodically...
    We definitely need many more services that not only cater to different social issues concerning our parents but also let Indians living abroad be more involved in the process.
     
  6. rose82

    rose82 New IL'ite

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    ashram??im sorry to say that even though you are concerned about your parents,you are thinking in such a way!why is it that a son has to take care of parents??Are you not their child??in fact,if we see..a DIL will never take care of her inlaws as much as she takes care of her parents.it is a difficult situation since this society has moulded the brains of every individual in such a manner.
    My best suggestion is that have a rotation...take turns and decide amongst the children to invite the parents.(for every 6 months or so).In this way,everyone takes the responsibility and everyone is happy.

    It is not wrong for parents to stay in old age homes,many american parents do it...but ethically,as children's responsibility...its a shame to allow parents to stay in old age homes.
     
  7. ennaye

    ennaye Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    This is a very important topic and needs to be discussed further.

    Personally I don't think it is such a big problem about girls taking care of their parents, especially if the girls also are earning their own money.

    A friend and her husband are both doctors in New York. They had both the mothers living with them and the mothers were good company for each other. Also they took care of each other when their children were busy with their careers. I suppose it is ones attitude towards each other also that matters.

    But I think the biggest problem is whether children can afford to care for the elderly. And then it means lot of work too. Elderly care at this age can mean a complete and drastic change in the lifestyle of the children. So many do not want to have them.

    Parents should make alternative arrangements for those with kids abroad(in USA) cannot expect help from them.

    I would love to hear from those who have parents living with them and what has been their experience.
     
  8. Dolly_Lite

    Dolly_Lite Bronze IL'ite

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    which medical insurance is good for the parents in india? My dad is 64 and mom 60. My husband's company covers for his parents. Please pour in your suggestions...
     
  9. NidhiA

    NidhiA Junior IL'ite

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    Even I wonder on the descrimination betweennt parents living with sons vs. daughters, it sounds so stupid when our parents do not show difference in bringing up. It is sometimes hard to win over this with husband and in laws. I am planning to make sure parents are fine financially, healthcare wise andalso move them closer to relatives, call everydaY to talk with grand kids, visit India every year and bring them if they are interested. Please suggest if any other ideas. Thanks
     
  10. naakirfa

    naakirfa New IL'ite

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    I found this dicussion forum while looking for an answer to the same problem! looks like the world at large is looking for a solution.

    basically having been through this and still going through this here are some facts/thoughts, which i have observed over a couple of generations of sons and daughters.
    Please excuse me if i offend anyone.

    Actually taking care of parents as opposed to just "saying" its the right thing to do are worlds apart. Walking the walk is way harder than talking the talk.

    Starting with daughters.
    In my opinion i have seen that the "daughters" are of two kinds :
    a) those that want to take care of their parents but cannot cause of their spouses
    - the reason for a spouse saying no are one of two :
    1) he cannot take care of both sets of parents
    2) he also is a proponent of the theory that parents are taken care of by their sons period.

    b) those that don't want to cause they know how much trouble it is and play the "parents cannot stay with their daughter card", they just dont want to deal with it.

    Unfortunately in my lifetime I have been faced with dealing with (a) and (b) at the same time. I dont blame them for it, its just the way they are, you cannot blame anyone for wanting an easy life.

    To this mix you add what one of the earlier posters mentioned, the guys family giving attitude to the DILs early in the marraige completely forgetting their situation and the fact that they have to live with the the same DIL when the time comes. BTW the same sitation is now happenning with SILs , so obviously some guys want nothing to do with the wife's parents..

    Now being a guy, here is a little melodrama or "feeling sorry for myself", in all of this the son/husband is torn, cause he does not see black and white, he just sees a horrible shade of gray. The parents are right in expecting to be taken care of and also having some attitude, they are old people who have sacrificed their life for the kids. The DIL is right too, WTF , i get married and i get attitude, who do they think they are. Both are right and only the guy sees it, rather a sensible guys sees it. More often than not the guys take one of two approaches, tell the DIL "deal with it, they are my parents and they are here to stay", or he tells his parents "you messed it up, i cannot fix it, so get out".
    Both of these are the easy way out, in fact telling the DIL to deal with it mostly happens when the DIL is a stay at home mom, and the second case mostly happens when the DIL is working and bringing in some money. Basically the guys is cutting his losses, essentially he is making business decision.

    Digressing a bit, about parents giving attitude in the early days to the DIL, guys this is for you , have the balls to stand up to your parents right then "IFFF" they are wrong, a new bride may go down quietly then but your life will be on the line a couple years down the line when things are different and you are both equals, and in every marriage you eventually become equals, which is the way it should be. Disagreeing with your parents does not mean you are disowning them, not taking care of them when they are old or not being able to take care of them when they are old will be disowning them.


    That said, the bottom line is its all about money. Money can fix all of this. Buy or rent a separate home close to where you the "son" lives, where you can keep an eye on them and also keep them out of your home. Again this is the solution with least friction. The poor mans version of this is the old age home which probably costs as much but hurts more.

    Another word of advice to you "eager" sons, dont fix it if it ain't broken. Leave your parents alone till they "really" need the help. There's no awards in life for complicating things too soon, and trust me its a complication, old parents with no work to do and deteriorating health are not easy to handle, they are like little children who need constant attention and work. As the earning member of a growing family yourself , you need to push this out as far as you can, so that you can make yourself capable enough to really help everyone in the long run.

    Noone wakes up and decides to be a bad person or make a bad decision, its all circumstances. So give yourself credit when things work out well and dont beat yourself up when things go wrong, just do the best you can and things will work out.

    Well indusladies, i will stop my rant here, hope this helps the guys and gals on this list , and trust me i did not mean to offend anyone.


    -n
     

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