Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rams22, Apr 24, 2013.
old thread!!! 2013..
To understand the pain of a daughter in law forced to deal with mil's unreasonable behavior,you have to be born a woman.
Most women have the right to argue ,disagree or confront their mothers without fearing a long term harm to relationship......more importantly without any harm to her married life. The same cannot be said for mil.
That is just a convenient generalization .There are enough men out there who are capable of judging the behavior of mother and wife fairly and acting according.
It is surprising how easily people are expected to bear with unfair behavior because it comes from the 'mother' of the husband ...earlier in the name of tradition and sanskar,now in the name of education.
If he can't ensure fair treatment for his wife, in his home ,from his own family ......then that word describes the silent observer very aptly .
The "fear of harming married life" is a convenient argument, derived from picked-up mindset that IL in married home are demons. This is how most women have been taught or made to believe. This deep rooted, carried-over mind set is the root cause of at least 90% of the issues between DIL and MIL, I believe so. In reality, they are just as human as you are, with all the human emotions and expectation as you have. This is where your education and maturity should be displayed, to look at the issue just as it is without any bias of carried over mindset, to look at the human and the emotions behind the relationships, instead of looking at everything with jaundiced eyes. There is no need to fear anyone.
Well, every individual have their own share of pain. To the extent a DIL/wife expect her to be understood, she should try to understand others as well, that is the point here.
No, it is not, this is the fact, the relationship between a mother and her child is the closest in terms of tolerance and acceptance of excess behavior, and it applies to mother-daughter as well. You may be irritated by witnessing this in your marital home, but you will do the same in your parental home, and for your children.
Everyone have the sense of fairness, but the response differ both in content and timing. Just because the response of the man is not according to your expectation or is not happening in front of you, it does not make him "bladdy coward". At least in 90% of the cases there is no criminal intent behind, and I don't argue for criminals.
No, you don't need to bear with unfair behavior of MIL or anyone else, please don't twist what I have said. But there is better way to deal with such issues, your education and global exposure shall put in use to deal with that, this is what I have seconded and added further.
A wife is an adult, she has to open-up and deal with if something unfair happens to her, a better way to deal is the point of discussion. She can deal on her own (as per my reading, there are many in this forum who suggest this) or loop-in her husband as per the issue, but keep in mind the kind of relationship and sensitivity around that. To break or mock or belittle a mother-son relationship for the success of wife-husband relationship is one of the oldest, arrogant and stupidest thought of militant feminists, please don't fall for that. These feminist invented the word Mamma boy and used for decades in every writings and speaking, but none of them will do.
The whole point is, there is a better way to deal with every issue, use your education and exposure, your corporate leanings on dealing with people can be used here as well, but even when a man or MIL fails to respond positively, you don't need to stoop low with such abusive words.
Many people in this world are literates, they cannot be called educated. Simply holding a college degree does not make one educated in dealing with real life situations.
@APS45 if only things were that simple. You ave probably had a fortunate life not having encountered meanness because of your gender and pecking order in the marital family.
Here's one of my favourite quotes - expecting he world to be fair to you because you are aa nice person is like expecting a hungry lion not to eat you because you are a vegetarian.
I have personally encountered insane levels of meanness from my ILs. Hand on heart i can say today I never did anything to bring it on. NOT ONE THING. I slogged, gave them my earnings, treated them like my parents. They were vile. Believe me when I complained my own parents spouted only sermons about being patient and rising above it. Sound as the advice was in theory, it was utterly useless in this case where I was simply being emotionally abused. Because I am a woman. I was trying to give them nothing but love and respect hoping they would understand me. Husband simply asked to accept it as my lot - its not like he or they beat me! (What a long way he's come since!) If that isn't cowardly, what is?The whole saga chipped away at my foundation and I lost a lot of self esteem.
In the end i saw things for what they were. My mil was just a scheming, sabotaging, vile cow. That's all. FIL had scant respect for women. Husband didn't want to get involved - it was easiest to keep me in check.
When I started playing their game and beating them at it, they cowered. I made them earn their respect. They needed the rude awakening to understand they can no longer abuse me. I turned everything around. Today I am fair and take the high road and give loads of respect as long as they remember their boundaries. The second they put a little toe out of line, I keep them in check.
I seems quite primal to me - I've established myself as a leader in their clan by flaunting my strength.
Among their many sons and DILS they have I'm now the one whom they revert to to discuss issues. I'm the only dil treated nicely with respect. The others are such lovely women. However their niceness is taken as their weakness and they are being out through the same mill I was. Just because they are giving respect without the ILs having earned it... It's not like these people learn. They simply don't.
My mum credits my paternal grandmother for having taught her how to be a wonderful mil. And my octogenarian maternal grandmother is the absolute mil from hell to this day. She still hasn't learnt. Bullies have to be dealt with effectively.
@SeekingMind sadly education does not teach soft skills. It does not teach an individual what his/ her rights are. Or about boundaries in a relationship. In India wmisogyny rules girls are told they can achieve anything but are still held back by parochial traditional values. There is a dissonance. It needs to be corrected. Yes.
By their own admission many women have learnt a lot from this forum. Yet this post is a relief to many who are living with this dissonance with no respite in sight. So why the sermons and judgement on this thread?
Looks like now 'education' is another whip that can be used on them.They are 'educated' ,so they should know better and manage. Women should get educated,gets jobs ,work successfully out side home ...but come back home and just tolerate the same nonsense .
Wife is an adult...but mother is not ????
And the term mumma's boy is most often used here by the traditional women who have given up on hope for a happier life.Their married lives of many years is sad...what can they do,their DH is a momma's boy( often with a hopeless resignation).
Yep! That has been used to keep in in check back then. And recently BIL said that to cosis after she protested to having been treated unfairly. Also i hear he added, "My parents will be gone in 10-15 years. You can do as you please then." If this is how dispassionately your own cowardly son can talk about your death, how you've failed in life!
I have already said earlier that I don't approve any kind of bullying by whoever it is. In my life I have experienced that the urge to give them back only brought stress and ill-health. That is why I am advising women not to resort to that. I am not giving sermons or judging anyone here. If still someone wants to interpret that way, I choose to ignore.
I said education......because these days many of us have degrees but no skills to deal with difficult circumstances. We resort to old, ugly techniques which cause stress and put marriage in jeopardy.
And, the title of this thread itself sounded disgusting to me when I first read. Well, if discussing ways to irritate inlaws, or someone brings pleasure or relief to some, then I definitely would call them uneducated.
No more from me now on this thread. Have been here too long.
As SonIL I have no bad experience till date probably because I am only a guest for 2-3 days max per year, not necessarily because I am male. However I have an experience of year long collision with my own orthodox father to secure his acceptance and blessings for love marriage of my younger sister, I have got into many hard dialogues with my mother, I still have few differences with my mother. I believed that it is only fair for me to walk along with my father, remove his perception about love marriages, and lift him up to a level where he will be comfortable about the whole things. It it easy for me to put a gun on his head, he was dependent heavily on me for my sister's marriage, but then I am not worth of my education if I did so. Same way with my mother too. It is a conflict between old and new as I said in my earlier posts, you shall unwind that if you look at the things with little more patient, in a different perspective, and to help the people to better understand instead of bullying them. In all my posts in this thread, I mentioned about education and exposure in this context. This is my experience as well, and I stand by that.
I like your quote, but a nice person should be wise as well, like the cow with a wise dialogue returned home after an encounter with tiger, otherwise you will be eaten up.
Your experience and your solution may be unique and perhaps an outlier, I mean, it may fall into 10% category, I have no comment on that, but your post suggests that you will have to constantly watch out if your IL are stepping out of the boundaries you have drawn and keep pushing them inside, in a way, it is not a permanent solution, this is more of a fear for each other, not respect for each other, this is my personal opinion. But in this forum it self, I have read many postings from other ladies on how they handle it, which are inline with my view in this thread. Good luck yo you.
I could feel the bitterness in your comment, but I use 'education' as a liberating factor, not to beat women. My views and comments may not be agreeable, I don't mingle my words, but my sense of respect for women is certainly likable among the women who knows me personally. I would be sad if I am looked at as if I am against the progression of women.
Sarcastic but somewhat true in a different perspective. If you observe some of our elders, both men and women, they are adult only by age, not by maturity or contentment. On the first look, it is an irritation, but if you try to figure out why they are like that, you will most likely be sympathetic towards them. Actually, our immediate previous generation is at loss on both sides, they were always expected to abide by the decisions of elders in a joint family, whether they liked it or not, now they try to do that to their children but faces resistance and criticism. The gap between them and their elders were very less in terms of thought process, it was a gradual and manageable, but now is too steep with youngsters to understand and bridge on their own, they have no clue. They struggled for basics 3-4 decades before when they were young, now they are overwhelmed with luxuries, verities and opportunities available which they never have imagined. All contributes to a sense of 'not yet lived my life', jealous and insecurity on their mind, and it explodes in many ways inside home. As per my experience with elders, if you get into their world, be friendly and understand their struggle and comfort them, they will sing your song like a child.