Was your marriage an outcome of something ?

I might not have any pointers but sure do have hugs to offer you and also to say do what you love and believe in doing sometimes that is such a stressbuster!
And with due respect to your feelings dont you think it is too late in the day to think of what you could have done when all that lies ahead instead of wishing for a rewind button to life?

 

Not only in marriage, in most things in life - studies, jobs etc, we are often assailed by thoughts of "if only's" and "what if's" especially when things are not going as we expect it to go.

"if only i had waited, if only i had not married this guy, if only i had not done this/that..." ...maybe things would have been different." - All these thoughts are perfectly natural in times of stress. But prudence lies in accepting things as they are and moving on with it. There are no guarantees that you would have been much happier had you found some other guy later.

There is no such thing as "perfect" marriage...or "perfect" person for us. Success in any relationship is ultimately accepting one another warts and all...and respecting the differences. Stop focussing on what he is NOT and instead focus on good things about him...you will be at peace with yourself and your relationship.

Also take control of your own happiness by doing things that you want to .... maintain your individuality and self-respect. When you ARE happy with yourself and self-confident, it will bring about a positive change in your husband as well.

 

There are certain traits/ expectations from life... of an individual which decide whether a marriage shall be successful or no.
Many people have already spent considerable time in finding partner of their choice getting into love marriage but still result into a disaster.

Its not that lovey dovey marriages have not had a fight.. its just that end of the day of their fight they decided to get back into each others arms and forget anything and everything that was said....
Apart from those there are certain accidents of life (could be your carelessness or someone else's) with irreparable damange to the marriage system where it wont function to the fullest normal self... but may exist / live..... in/for support of something.

Mostly if you've seen a lot of real love before marriage... you shall continue to have it post marriage as well ... else there was something elementarily wrong with your stars (of love and affection) or behaviour which turns us into a difficult person to find "total" happiness in relationships.

 

Have you tried talking to your husband how you feel??? Most men are completely clueless when it comes to our emotional needs. They think everything is fine in the marriage because you are still there with him
and even if they feel there is a problem they tend to shut it out and not talk about it. The best thing would be to have an open discussion... if you find it diffcult talking to him, you can write what you feel and let him read and understand things.

I dont know how long you have been married, but i can tell you almost all marriages have some problem or the other after the initial few years... there is a sense of stagnation, sometimes void because the priorities are shifted. After childbirth, a woman's hormones go whack and that too contributes to the feelings of helplessness/hopelessness.

Maybe you are not able to bring yourself to be with him because you feel emotionally disconnected due to past events and your husbands apparent indifference, but you can still bring the spark back if you try. The worst thing you can do right now is to mentally shut him out.... you have to give yourself and him a chance to find happiness in each other...all of us deserve to be happy.

A bit of introspection will also not be amiss to find out what exactly are you missing in the relationship? Most of us know what we DONT want but hardly ever realise What we actually want...and we hanker for that elusive thing.

 

RJMK,

I can exactly relate to your situation. I can completely understand what you are feeling. Let me tell you my story:

I too got married when I was 22+. I was also working after my B.Tech. All my classmates were in US either for MS or after marrigae. I was in so hurry to go to US just to escape my situation I married the first guy whome came to see me. Frankly speaking for marriage my only condition was that the guy should be in US. Only after few months after marriage I realised that marriage is a critical decision which needs a thorough thought. Before marriage I never even tought about what kind of person I would like to have as my husband.

Now the things which I miss in my husband are: he is short, he is not intelligent, his talks are not sensible, the age gap between us, but he is very caring and understading. I feel very bad when I see good looking pair walking around in malls. I also want my husband to be a well talked person, which he is not.

"So my marriage was an outcome of my desparateness to go to US". We are responsible for our own decisions. This is life.

 

[JUSTIFY]"Trust me I have found peace with myself and understood that I have to stay and live like this"

One question, WHY? Do you have a job? Do you think you can financially support yourself? These are the kind of relationships out of which dysfunctional children are born. If the kids haven't seen a stable/happy marriage, they'll either never want to get married or they'll screw up their own marriages in future. It's not like a relationship should be fairy tale like or that you expect something miraculous from it.That never happens. But if there is no chemistry between a couple, it's not worth it no matter what. Trust me, it's much better to live alone in the long term than live a miserable life with a false belief that you're at peace with yourself. A miserable life will not only ensure that your own happiness is elusive, but it will also affect the psyche of your kids in the long term.[/JUSTIFY]

 

i think its all about seeing things in a different perspective ...
kids growing up in the same household behave differently , so its natural for men groomed in different families to behave differently. my dh is the very serious , studious , well behaved , aggressive guy.
im the easy going , life's all about fun kind of person.
in the many years of marriage i've tried to inculcate in him what i believe may be right for him and i have also learnt a lot from him. we look in the same direction but with different perspectives and thats just very natural.

dh never understood jokes or enjoyed silly movies. but now we do and thats how couples go along , i guess.
at the end of day , im happy i have someone who isn't abusive or naive , but respectful and kind.

when i got married (at 23) ,the only thing my mom told me was, find the best in the man you get and be thankful for it. everything else will fall in place.
it didn't make sense then , but today it does

 

People keep thinking of the past and forget to live today. Some think that they were meant for higher /better spouses, jobs than what they have got.
RJMK,
To get a perfect partner in life one has to be the perfect partner.
Who knows what DH wanted in a wife and what he got ?
Please live in the present and count your blessings.
You are in a stable marriage with no upheavals ,have a cute baby , maybe you are bored of the humdrum life. Please cultivate some hobbies, take up a job .
Cherish what you have instead of lamenting what could have been.It could have been better, it could have been worse.