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Was Rude To Mil

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sadwife, Jun 28, 2022.

  1. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    chanchitra.. Exactly. That is why she is 'trying' to be nice to me. I hope she will stay healthy and strong till the end and wouldn't need someone to look after her. But of course I will not refuse to look after if anything happens.

    Old is the tag they carry along to get away from all their wrong doings.
     
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    It depends on what she has done to you.
     
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  3. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    I absolutely agree with this. How you treat her depends on what she has done and whether she has shown any remorse.

    @sadwife, don't punish your DH for allowing her to visit. Can you ask your parents not to come to your home? Be reasonable.
    .
     
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  4. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @sadwife,

    One thing I have learned in my life early is not to regret the past as it is water down the bridge. Your Mil did or said something that keeps coming back again and again to your mind and you are not able to forgive her action. Similarly, you didn't talk to your husband during your Mil's visit but you regret that decision now. Don't delve too much on that either as it is water down the bridge. It only makes your life more miserable than your Mil's life.

    When you think from your point of view, your Mil should have given you comfort to make you feel at home. But she didn't as she was afraid she would lose the love of her son and showed all her anger at someone who was ready to share the love with her son. This is not new and it has been existing for decades, nay, even centuries. As far as your husband is concerned, he is trying to balance his love for you and his mother carefully and recognizes whatever action his mother did to offend you. But he is unable to confront her (unless it is direct verbal confrontation with you) as anything he says will be viewed as unreasonably siding with his wife based on his wife's communication with him in private. Like you, his mother wants him to take sides with her.

    If you have a wonderful relationship with your husband and enjoy his trust, why jeopardize that relationship by not talking to him in front of his mother? Just visualize, if your husband didn't like something your parents said or did to him and treats you badly in front of your parents, how would you feel? You will feel miserable, right? Moreover, you would most likely confront him why he treated you badly when you did nothing wrong.

    Let bygones be bygones. First priority is to reach out to your husband and tell him that you don't mean anything offensive to him. Then, communicate with him that you understand his plight and ready to accommodate him bringing his mother again. This time, you should be pleasant to your husband so that he understand it was one off situation last time. Try to fix your problem with Mil on your own or leave it as unfixable and move on. Try to avoid bringing your husband into this conflict as much as possible. The best you could do is to tell him what happened and stop it right there instead of asking him to do any action. What your Mil knows or doesn't know should have no impact in your happy life with your husband.
     
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  5. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    Viswamitra, thank you for the write up. I feel so much better. I spoke to my husband. I told him throughout all these years, this was the first time I acted as such to him infront his mother as I was feeling extremely hurt.

    I will take your advice but I don't intend to mend anything with MIL. I will remain not talking to her. If she happens to come to our place again, I will just be as normal as possible with my husband.
     
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  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    It is okay for you to feel hurt with your Mil but it is important to keep your relationship with your husband exceptional. Also, it is important to let him have his relationship with his mother as he deems fit. Your husband already recognizes what you had experienced and that is why he is silently listening to your grievances. It is a tacit acceptance of his mom’s problem. He will definitely stand up for you if her mom does something to affect your relationship with your husband.

    You should not make your relationship with you husband conditional upon how he solves your strained relationship with your Mil. Your husband will not mind if you stand up for yourself by not talking to your Mil.
     
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  7. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    Viswamitra.. Yes, I truly get it. Now I really regret for not asking for suggestions/ advice over here even before MIL came to our place. Anyway what's done been done. Thank you so much for the very clear explanation.
     
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  8. AditiShining

    AditiShining Bronze IL'ite

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    As per me you're extremely rude to your MIL for no reason. Your husband understands that his mother is wrong still you were rude.

    If I ever make my MIL leave like this, I would later find myself rubbing my nose on my MIL's feet to forgive me
     
  9. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    AditiShining, my only regret is not talking properly to my husband infront of her. Other than that maybe I shouldn't have banged the door (spoiling my own property). But I don't think I was wrong for not talking to her. She asked for it. In fact my co sister who was so close with her has stopped talking to her. Few others in MIL's family have also stopped talking to her. They have even recorded my MIL talking (twisting up) stories and has sent to my husband and others in their family as proof. So I deem I'm in the right path for staying away and keeping distance from her.
     
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  10. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Best example for how to not be! Dont judge OP without knowing what she has gone through with her MIL.
    Also what is this nose rubbing business?
    OP didn't do any sin. She has her own reasons for not wanting to converse with her MIL or welcome at her home. Every MIL and DIL relationship is different.
     
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