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Was Rude To Mil

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sadwife, Jun 28, 2022.

  1. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    Hello all.
    I have not been talking to my MIL for some time now. Went to her place few times just one day trip, I didn't talk to her. Just answered if she asked something. DH was ok with it. He said it's ok if I don't talk but just follow him to visit her.

    Few days back she came and stayed at our place. Obviously I was not happy of her coming. DH said he can't stop her from coming. He said she is getting old and pleaded me to forgive her. He said he is scared he will regret later if he tells her not to come to our place. I perfectly understand his situation. She is his mother and he has responsibilities towards her.

    But I can't digest the fact that she is happily enjoying the care of my DH even though my DH knows (she knows that) she had bad mouth and mistreated me in several occasions. Also do let me to make a thing very clear to get a better perspective. Overall she is a good MIL compared to so many evil MILs out there. But yet I think it definitely differs to one person to another. For some what she did may not be a big issue and can easily brush it off but for me the things she said/ did keep lingering in my mind all the time making me angry and upset.

    I told my DH not to bring her to our place. I'm definitely going to show face etc but DH brought her. I'm angry and upset that he refuse to understand and respect my feeling but at the same time I do understand he has got no choice. He is not the type of son who is rude and disrespectful to his mother. I didn't even welcome her when she came. She spoke to me few times asking what to cook. I just answered in word one.

    For the first time all these years I didn't talk to my husband infront her. I never replied when he asked something. I want her to know she is creating problem between us so she should not come to our place. I have told my DH for now I don't want her to come to our house, DH can go visit her whenever he wants. Even though he has other siblings, the responsibility to look after her will only fall on us. I told him if in future she becomes too weak or ill don't worry she can come here I will look after.

    So during her few days stay here she was angry as I didn't talk/ response to her son properly (including didn't bother her), she showed her anger by banging hard the utensils in the kitchen. I also responded by banging the room door!

    She left this morning without saying anything to me. DH went to send her back. Now I'm a bit nervous how would DH react to me after coming back for treating his mother like that. Very likely he will just give silent treatment. Any advice how should I talk to him to express what/ how I'm feeling?

    Thank you.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You understand his situation, understand that he has no choice, and he is fine with you mostly not talking to her. Then, not talking to him properly when his mother is around was not the smartest move. You do realize that by not talking properly to your husband when she is around, you are hurting yourself the most and them both less.

    :grinning:

    Stay cool. Do not start or engage in long discussions about your MIL's past behaviors or how you felt and behaved during this visit. Keep it brief. Say yes you are prepared to look after her when she is older, but right now it will take more time to forgive her for the past ill-treatments. Say something like you are trying but it is hard. If he gives the silent treatment, remain calm. Give it time. Don't rush into ending the silence. He went ahead and had her over though you said no. Accept this as a routine that will recur. She will visit, there will be fireworks, she will leave, and there will be silent treatment etc and things will go back to normal till the next visit. You should however try harder to be normal to your husband when she is visiting.
     
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  3. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    Rihana.. the purpose of me not talking to him was to make her realize she is causing stress in her son's life and hopefully she would keep a distance from me. But may not been a good idea like you mentioned. I hope she won't be coming anymore. If she does, then I will try to remain as normal as possible with my DH. Thanks
     
  4. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Very bad move to not talk to your dh infront of your mil. It will give her the impression that you aren't happy with her son as he brought her home but it will also give her the chance to prove to your dh how bad wife and dil you are.
    She might use this to create further misunderstanding between you and your dh.

    One thing i learnt in my married life is that no matter how evil monstrous inlaws you have, never let them come between you and your dh relationship.
    He cannot tell his mother never come to my house. Accept it.
    Only have a clearcut discussion with your dh calmly that you were upset since he brought her home without listening to you hence you reacted that way.
    Ask him what in future can be done to ensure peace between both of you.
    If he is adamant to bring his mother in future, tell him that you would not be liable to host her and it should be entirely his responsibility.
    When there are more sons, always there is a preference towards a particular son in their old age whom they depend on. Don't keep grudges.
    If you dont like, dont communicate to her. No bang bang!!! If she does also, don't do it in impulsive mode. Maintain your dignity. Its your house. Why bang doors?
     
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  5. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    PurpleRoses.. yes realize it was a mistake not talking to DH. And also banging the door!

    DH says he accepts his mother has done wrong but as long as it's not very severe like directly arguing with me etc, he can't just go fight with her or 'abandon' her. Smart lady does everything indirectly to avoid the consequences.

    She actually prefers her other son over my husband but that DIL who was very close with her is not in talking terms with her as she got to know MIL bad mouth about her mother to others. And the other son always stands for his wife.
     
  6. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    Dear OP,

    I feel you did wrong is treating your husband the way you did. One mantra in life every married couple should follow is never let anyone come in-between their relationship. Your MIL at the moment is like a guest who is visiting you and not staying with you permanently. Why would you hurt your relationship with your husband over her. As long as your husband is ok with you not talking, I feel shouldn't have gone overboard with things like banging doors and all. Please remember actions speak louder than words.

    I dont think you understand his situation. If you did, you wouldnt be making comments such as below ones.

    Your DH probably understood things better than you. He knows that his mom has hurt you badly and he is asking you to forgive her. At the same time he doesn't want to lose out his time with her given that she is already old and weak. So he did the only thing he thought could be done - asking you to forgive her and adjust so things can go smoothly and you can all move forward.

    It looks to me like you are stuck. At times, out own anger is our enemy. Your MIL might have done a lot of wrong things. Make an effort to forgive her if not for her then atleast for your mental peace. Try and see if you can maintain a civil face in front of her when you meet her next time.

    If i was in your place, i would apologize to my husband. He has given you the freedom of being yourself. So give him the freedom of being himself. Let him invite his mom if he wants to.

    IMHO put an end to this right here. Do not prolong it. Apologize for your actions. Tell him you wouldn't do this again so he doesn't bring it up later on. Fights like these tend to stick on for some time. So ensure you weed it out now and move on with your life.
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,

    I don't think you understand his situation well. If so, you wouldn't have showed faces and acted this way.
    It is always better to understand your spouse & his responsibilities as a person.

    Do not let anyone in between you & your spouse. You insulted your DH before his mom and that is not right.
    You disrespected his wishes by failing to understand him. Obviously he must be angry with you.

    Looks like you need support. You must find the courage to make peace with the past, and control your emotions.

    It is normal to have misunderstandings and problems in any relationship. Be it parents vs children or between siblings or friends. Misunderstandings and fights bound to happen. We must learn to let go of things, and chose the right battle.
    If she is a good MIL overall, and your H is a very understanding spouse who accepts his mother's mistakes, then that should be it. You should learn to forgive, and let go of the things for your own sanity.

    If I were you, I would not forget what has happened, but would forgive her and let her stay more peaceful at my place by being the bigger person.
    I may not be able to entertain her or be extra loving with her. But be civil & respectful for the fact that she is my H's mom & an elderly person. Above that, according to you, she is a good MIL. That sums it up.

    After all, she is staying only a couple of days at your place!

    Apologize to him. Apologize to MIL. I know this is something you never wanted. But that's what can help you sort things out with your spouse in the long run.
    The next time, be the bigger person.

    My SIL(my brother's wife) & my mom never had any serious issues, except a couple of simple misunderstandings.
    In 2020, I had to move to abroad with family & due to the fear of catching Covid, we have decided not to take mom along this time. So, we suggested her to stay at brother's place for 3 months until we return.
    When mom went there, SIL showed faces. She stopped talking to brother & was angry. So much drama like banging door, shouting at kids, and not serving food to husband. These body language showed her clear displeasure.
    Mom left their place in 1 week, and was broken down.
    Seeing her struggle, I had to cancel my foreign trip & stay back.

    This has sharply affected my brother's ego. As a man, as a provider to the family and as a responsible & loving son he left he was defeated by his wife and felt ashamed of not being able to protect his mom at his own place.
    He showed that anger in silence and that has impacted their marital life, despite of us convinced him in various ways.

    I do not want any woman to take emotional decisions in marriage before consulting their brain. You may regret your decisions later.
     
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  8. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    You are doing wrong! When your dh accepts her mistake then what else you want?
    That she should come apologise to you? Take it in written that it would never happen.
    I understand you are scarred by your mil deeds in the past but by holding grudges and causing stress to your dh to forbid him from inviting his own mother to his house, you are screwing your own marriage!
    If and when she passes awayz your dh may hold you responsible for his guilt of not being able to spend time or invite his mom to his own house because of you.
    Don't CONTROL your dh! Let him be a son. He is being a good husband by supporting you and not asking you to talk to her or do anything for her. Then what else you want?
    Be his peace. Don't ruin his peace by making him choose you or his mother.
    No matter even if parents are evil, indian son cant just like that discard them from their lives or ban from their homes!
    Count your blessings that she doesn't live with you.
    Here many of Dils are still tolerating evil mils in their homes as their dh refuse to go separate due to whatever reasons!

    Don't, I repeat don't show faces or fight with your dh for inviting his mother to his home!
     
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  9. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all. Thanks for the replies.

    After coming home from sending her back, he didn't question me anything. He just acted normal with kids. Of course not talking to me just answering when I ask something.

    I really regret for not being talking to him infront his mother but I don't regret for not talking to her etc. Once I give face to her she will start to show her colours again and come stay here for weeks! I had enough for all these years.

    But I have decided not to argue or stop him from inviting his mother from coming here, if at all she wants to come again.

    At the same time there's one thing bothering me a lot. MIL knows my DH is aware what his mother has done to me. Plus one of his relatives has recently pointed it out to him as well. But my DH still wishes to 'adore' her. Wouldn't this make MIL think she is free to do anything no matter what her son will be with her? Isn't this being unfair to me? I may sound immatured but this is what I feel. Breaking my heart everyday.
     
  10. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    It's OK. We all are human beings and get emotional.
    Sad memories with someone does hit you when you see that person.
    Your MIL needs to be good to you from now on if she needs your care at old age.
     
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