Warning Bell - Were Our Tears Real?

meenu · Nov 7, 2006

very nice

Dear Meena,
Sorry to buttin.I like your reply very much,coming right from the heart
Regards,
Meenu

safa · Nov 7, 2006

please don't think.......

Dear Kamla,
Thanks for the reply. Viewing from your side , it is true what you are saying.
Please do not think , I am a money loving person. We can't tell, when will God make us poor..
By next year, I am planning to leave Dubai to take care of Mil. I want my husband also to be with me. Money is the villain who hinders it. Since I used to live a simple life , it is not a problem for me. We have taught our kids not to wish every thing they see. So no problem with them also.
The other thing is that we have taken some social commitment by taking care of some needy people. It is really one of our pleasures. If God wills , we are planning to take care of them till our end.
Like Sridhar said , it might be the thing which makes us happy and healthy.
Sridhar , my apologies for being taken this thread to ask my doubts and to reply.

sudhavnarasimhan · Nov 7, 2006

Dear Safa,
That ia a good question...but u will be surprised to hear this...looks like my hubby was in love with this language and land from 21 years old, when he had learnt this and was wanting to study here. This was apparently his dream! And his marketing job broughthim here many times, before he was asked to move here to head his company, since he knew the lang and culture or should i say loves it! That is what brought us here when my daughter wasn in her teens and i had to pack up my career too! And o top it he resigned twice here, when he was askedto move to London which i felt was better off , language wise and for my daughter also...but hubby LOVES germany and will not shift out, but opts to resign....great na...i feel his previous birth must have been here....(andif i had known his affiliation to this place beforé i would not have married him...ha ha)
But like Kamala knows, it is not easy life here, money wise, language or weather wise....and there is literally no help when we are sick and difficult with docs for me , due to lang...i still am a novice only....but still i am surviving since Hubby Loves it and i have let him follow his dreams!:tongue

But Varalotti:::A QUESTION FOR YOU.....Well you asked us if we will let our husbands follow their dreams....well now you answer , HOW MAYN HUSBANDS WILL LET THEIR WIVES FOLLOW THEIR DREAMS? ANd to what extent....well um hum um....i think i alraedy know the answer...after my hubby is also a MADURAIITE and i know what they will think...ha ha...:-D

But honestly....this thought just occurred to me....WHY IS IT THAT ONLY MEN CAN DREAM AND SHOULD BE LET TO FOLLOW IT AND WE SHOULD SUPPORT IT:::WHY NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
Like Varloo has said , she was not let to pursue her sports....do u think her hubby would have let her if she decided after marriage...
well since this is a predominantlöy ladies site, i think we at least have the freedom and right to think aloud on our dreams and aspirations and the way we have to sacrifice on them always!

safa · Nov 7, 2006

It was a nice reply from you!

Dear Sudha,
I could understand the way you love that country for your husband's sake..
Again you have asked the question that should be asked, Do all the husbands allow their wives to follow their dreams?
Of course, the answer is NO.
In my case, husband is very supportive, and allows me whatever I want to do, encourages me to learn new things, to start my child hood hobby drawing, stitching or if I want to find a job he agrees..
But for many other women it is a big No from their husbands. A friend of mine is still struggling with her Hus to get permission to work.
thanks Sudha for your response. Any way I love your German Life!:clap

anjana · Nov 7, 2006

After giving it a thought here I am Sridhar,

And precisely when a person is the grip of such an undoable dream he will discord everything, would not bother about cushions and safety and make a direct plunge into the impossible.
Want your views on this, Anjana.
Dear Sridhar,
Let me reply to this from my own life experiences. When we were newly weds hubby got lucrative offers from some MNC in India. He refused to take those offers and chased his dream for he always wanted to come to US. There were many oppositions from relatives. I am talking about many years ago. I did support him since I knew he will definitely regret for the rest of his life. We did not have any financial cushion then. We were just starting out. If I look back I think he did it only because he had a good education. If things did not work out in the US we could have always got back.
He has taken many pay cuts to follow his dream and every step of the way I have supported him. I have done this in spite of not being a working women. Last year around this time, he quit his job saying he wanted to get into business. But this time our responsibilites were different. We have a home mortgage, kids education and some family commitments in India. We had to sit and talk about it,again I am currently not working. We had to bank on our savings. He gave it a try for six months,failed and went back to work. At least now he happily says" been there done it". I think every step his education and our bank balance did help him.
As for my son I would guide and support him[financially] to some extent if he wants to pursue his dream. In fact his dream is to build an operating system like windows and linux. I am not sure if this is doable or undoable. In fact he is working on it as a hobby since he is in high school and cannot pursue it full time.We as parents tell him you have to set a time limit as to how long you want to try and he would definitely have to pay the consequenses.
I do believe in taking calculated risks and also we should have strong fall back options.Age is also a matter to be taken into consideration.Sometimes it helps when you realise your dreams young, you can easily plunge into the unkown since your responsibilites are few. Sorry for this long reply let me know if I made some sense to your question.
Love,

Kamla · Nov 7, 2006

Dear Safa/Shahana...

I totally understand. Though we talk about our views here, nothing is meant personal. I know that you are eco and socio friendly person as I have been following your posts. Your question was very reasonable and that is why I answered it as well as I could.
See Safa, I have learnt from my life that not everything is in our control. Planning things did not help in our case, maybe we did not plan well?! But we have always tried to make the best of whatever life offered us. Rest is upto Almighty.
I find your intentions to return and help your mil is praiseworthy. You seem to have also been an exemplary parent in that your children seem to know the value of life and money. I wish you and your husband all the best in your future endeavours and efforts to help others. Even to fulfil such wishes is a luxury that you should cherish.

L, Kamla

varalotti · Nov 7, 2006

A Cute Post, Meena!

Hello Meena,

That was a really cute one, talking about your child's ever-changing career goals. Apart from being cute it also contains a message. Many a time we develop flippant career desires not knowing what is deep inside us. This happened when I was in school. My aunt was seriously ill and I was deputed to attend on her. Seeing the Doctors in white coats majestically walking in the hospital wards I decided then and there to become a Doctor. But when I finished my school and it was time to choose the right group in PUC my mind started wavering. At that time my father told me clearly that as a matter of policy he would not pay capitation fees for my medical seat. (In 1974-75 if you can pay about 10000 Rs. you can get a medical seat) Of course he did not have that kind of money at that time was a different story.
At that time I suddenly got vexed in life and chose the third Group. The Vice Prinicpal of American college begged me to opt for the other Groups as bright students were not supposed to take that Group. I told him I want to become an accountant and my decision was final.
It was only after two years in practice did I realise that my passion was for figures (dont mistake me, I mean the figures in paper, the numbers) law and computers.
The point here is that we should ignore the earliest career aspirations of our children. They may not be real. Most of the boys would want to become rail engine drivers or firemen. Only as they grow up we can find out what is really inside them.
A good post, Meena. I loved it.
regards,
sridhar

varalotti · Nov 7, 2006

It Is Not Fair!

Dear Sudha,

It is not fair. While giving a detailed answer to Shahana, you have suddenly joined hands with all the ladies here and have started to pull the legs of menfolk and I being one of the very few representatives here and the unfortunate author of the thread, have to bear all the brunt. It is not at all fair.

Now that you have raised a question my honest answer is that we men always supress womens dreams. I am not saying it is just or fair. But it is a fact. That in an marriage setting in the Indian culture the woman sacrifices all of herself for her husband and her family.

No doubt there are women achievers. Leaders in business, artists or even statesmen. (or should I say stateswomen). All these women have been either alone or separated from their husbands or had a name-sake husband who was just an idle spectator.

When I chose my wife I in my youthful arrogance did impose conditions that the girl should not be working and even checked that the girl did not have much ambitions. Yes, Sudha, it is selfish.

But the next generation would be different. My daughter or your daughter would have a strong career first and then only think of their marriage.
When I was telling my daughter that she should finish her course and work for two years before marriage, my wife interrupted to say,
"When you were married you insisted that your wife should not work. But now you want your daughter to work. Why are you adopting double standards?"
The maximum I could do was to hang my head down in shame.
But that is a fact.
With respect to your accusation the defence rests, completely defenceless.
regards,
Varalotti

varalotti · Nov 7, 2006

A well-considered reply, Anjana!

Dear Anjana,

It is not for nothing that your name translates as The Faultless one. During the time interval you have given adequate thought to the question and have come up with an honest answer. Your son should be lucky to have such a mom.

Well, your husband had this US dream and got it fulfilled. It is also a nice thing that he tried his hand in business and came back. He would have no regrets in life.

I want to use my reply to you as an excuse to bring forth one more point. It is very difficult to find out what our real passions are; what our deep longings are. They don't come to us suddenly. They are deep inside and show their face only once in a while. That is why it is always better to try several options and soon we can discover our real passions.

One suggestion with regard to your son's ambitions. (Hope I can take the liberty with you in this)

Please don't apply the do-able not doable filter to his ambitions. Any thing before it was done by one enterprising soul, was ony a "not doable." Somebody did it and then it became doable.
If your son's passion is genuine enough, strong enough it will lead him to the correct path. If not an OS he will discover or invent something else, which would be even more valuable. Bill Gates did not have the ambition of inventing an OS. He had some mad passion with the computers and soon it came to OS just like that.

I will tell you another story which happened long back. Like your son there was a man whose ambition in life was to convert all base metals into gold. Alchemy was a passion those days. This man went to work on his passion for years on end. Did he find a solution? No. Was he then a failure? Not at all. For though he did not find the magic liquid that would convert lead into gold, he invented the television.

Advise your son to have a safety net to have something to fall back upon and then plunge into his passion.
Let me wish him all the best,
Love,
sridhar

anjana · Nov 7, 2006

Thanks for your best wishes Sridhar,

Dear Sridhar,
Thanks for your well written advice. I will always remember this. Your advice is just like my hubby. In fact Bill Gates is my son's idol and dad wants him to be Bill Gates so he can hit the jack pot and pay off dad's loans Just a joke. I thoroughly enjoyed this discussion. In fact others views do help you to think.
Love,