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want to live seperately- pls help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by varsudhir, Mar 8, 2010.

  1. varsudhir

    varsudhir New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    myself and my hubby both of us want to live seperately as we have lot of issues with my In-laws...even my hubby is feeling very depressed and wants to lead a seperate life...this is because my mil is very very partial towards her younger son...pampers him and always..finds faults and fights with my hubby...my FIL also joins her...even though there is no mistake from my hubby's side...my hubby is eldest and younger brother is in his final year of college...my mil always compares both the sons and always like pampers younger son and even if the younger son does mistakes or does something realy bad she still pampers him..but if my hubby does something wrong accidentally she will be like fighting , cursing etc... and moreover always...compares both infront of younger brother ...and tells BIL that your elder brother is illtreating you and all...but my hubby is a very very affectionate person..and whenever we go out...my hubby buys something for his brother...my MIL is poisoning the relationship between brothers..and she treats my hubby as if he is not her son at all...so recently we had a big fight and my hubby is not in talking terms with his parents....

    Now that we have planned to go seperately...i want all your help..pls provide me suggetions like how politely we can tell my in-laws that we want to live seperately.....pls help me... :drowning
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2010
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  2. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Varsudhir,

    The situation is unfortunate, indeed. However, I am glad to see that your husband and you are in agreement regarding the issues.

    Now that you want to live separately, can you just give a very neutral reason like - you would like to move closer to your husband's office or you would like to move closer to the heart of the city, so that you can find a job or that you would like to move to an area with better schools etc.?

    That might be better as you will not burn any bridges with his family (All said and done they are family)

    If you are not able to get such a neutral reason, you might just say that you both will like to try living separately and that you would visit them every alternate weekend or something like that.

    However, if your mil is so dramatic, when you tell them that you are thinking about it, there could be a lot of emotional blackmail. It would be smoother if you find a suitable property, fix it and then, just tell them as information that you are moving separately.

    Ask you husband not to offer any explanation. Just ask him to tell them, "You know how the atmosphere is here. If we live separately, I feel that all of us will have some harmony and our relationship with each other will be better."

    Whatever else your mil might shout or scream, just ask him to ignore. Sadly, the entire blame might fall on you.. Just be aware of that and warn you husband that people might blame you for separating him from his family; and let him know that you will really need his support if anyone talks like that. Whatever people say, it will be best if you do not reply to them and get your husband to talk for you, as he seems to be the understanding kind.

    Hope you get the harmony you deserve!
     
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't think there will be any polite here.Whatever the way you ask they know how to start a fight.Only thing ask your husband to complete this deal and you don't talk much about it while your husband conveying the message.Pack the bags and leave.I beleie this is all emotional abuse from the parents and how to keep control on the kids.
     
  4. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    If both you and your husband feel that your PILs are treating you unfairly and want to move out because of that, just tell them so and move out to your own place. I don't think you need to sugarcoat the reasons as to why you are moving out. And I think the PILs need to be made aware that they are hurting your feelings with or without their knowledge and they should be made to realize that, just in case you have reservation about your decision to move out to a separate flat will hurt their feelings. Diplomacy does not help always and sometimes people need to be made aware with straight talk. And you both are married and independent adults so you do not need their support to do this.
     

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