Want To Go Abroad..how To Convey & Convince?

OP wants both peace and better career options..Above all she wants to be away from people who think that women should not give priorities to their career.. She wants to have a good standing financially and personally.You thought that she wants an escapeway thatswhy i felt your first response was little rude..I might b wrong.

 

Ya maybe you’re right..

 

Besides "how to", Op desires also to convey & convince ( perhaps dh & in laws). I had not dealt with this aspect as I had my own apprehensions of leaving her home in pandemic. I do recall the hackneyed adage East or West - Home is best.
In laws & dh - would they be inclined to be receptive to get convinced. But then foreign $ or dinar money would make them agree & might fecilitate op' s desire to leave to enjoy fun & freedom.
God bless.
Happy new year to all visiting here.

 

Money is a motivating factor in many cases ...unfortunately it would take time for things to work out due to the pandemic..

 

When a woman dont have a supportive empathetic husband, then staying with in laws or without in laws dont much difference if kids are small (see some of the previous posts). In India we can hire maids easily, but its not easy when staying abroad.

In my opinion, only plus point is having privacy, but that won't reduce your stuck in a marriage feeling or runway thoughts. I agree we dont have to see inlaws. But I have seen posts here about remote controlling of PILs in India with the support of moma boy husbands. Only those lucky women with good partners can enjoy married life else its like staying single in a marriage. In this situation, they have to find ways to make their stay peaceful and happy.

OP, chase your dreams. No words, only actions. Get job, show the offer and I hope they will come around. Talking and fighting won't help you if your husband is not supportive. Staying abroad comes with its own problems. There is no ideal solution. We have to find out what works for us, kids and our family. We have to ask what make us happy in the long run. Then work towards it. Good luck

 

Yes I agree with you..
After hearing experiences of relatives and friends living abroad, especially the US.
Any suggestions on how to make husband more supportive?

 

Thats a million dollar question .

I believe we can control only ourselves. We can't expect anything from others. Its their decision to love, respect, help,or support us. Any changes should come from them. But we can definitely communicate and show where our boundary is.

I believe, you already know what kind of approach work with your husband or Whats his pluses or weaknesses. You know his family background, so he is most likely to continue that style. My thoughts are based my limited experience and are below. Find out what approach work for you.

* stop being a super woman
* accept that he won't volunteer anything. Most men are like that. They need clear instructions.
* ask for help. If you are stressed out, tell him that. 'I am not feeling well, I need a break and rest for an hour, can you please keep on an eye on kids or can you do this for me or can you make a tea for me. I don't feel like cooking can we order something. I need help with this, could you please do it for me...I am stressed out ,can you give me hug.....list goes on...'. Dont force him to do anything he hate. Dont give much explanation at this point.

* most important aspect, he needs to be told in a very clear terms using minimum sentence. Tell him specifically what you need, and be clear concise and and specific. When you ask for support, dont talk much. Wait for him to respond. Ask him in the right way so he should feel like helping. Most men can't process too much, so be careful with how you request support. Only one job at a time. If he dont respond, ask him whether he hear you said. Yes or no.

* ask him for help not MIL, most of the time she will pitch in. Dont try for a great DIL certificate, most likely you won't get it. Dont take their comments to your heart.

* dont hold anything to your mind, communicate it in a clear way. If you are upset about any thing ask him, I have something to convey can you please listen, no need to worry much ,I just like to convey..talk in a loving and calm way.

* most Indian have patriarchal mindset and they believe they should be at the top, use that you advantage. Give ball to his court for cases you want him to lead. Dont nagg or shout or yell. Give respect and take respect. If you cannot talk in a composed way, dont talk. If he do the same, ask him to stop.
* if he do something good, appreciate him
* if you feel he is crossing your boundary, clearly let him know that you don't like it. Learn to say NO if your mind says so.

* build a support system with family, friends and have a life of your own.
* make yourself the first priority and live your life. If you dont love or respect you, why should others. Never allow anyone to treat you badly.
* be a supporting wife. Try to satisfy his emotional/physical or other needs too. He is most likely to help you when he is happy in those departments.
* he is now taking you for granted. As long as everything is done, he dont care or he may not have any idea that you are unhappy/ stressed out/ unsatisfied. Convey it in a proper way
* remember, no one can make you happy if you are not happy with yourself.
* if he dont support you, find alternatives like hiring help, seeking counseling, improving your own life or deciding what you want to do.

 

Grass is always green on the other side.
Staying away from India has its own pros and cons.
Not everyone staying outside India are enjoying and leading life filled with luxuries.

There are many threads in IL itself where inlaws still control DILs life even though they are continents apart.


Settling in a new country especially after 30’s and finding for a job is not so easy considering this pandemic.

You won’t get the luxury of maid, cooks etc like in India. And even healthcare is not affordable inspite of having insurance.

 

I agree, my uncle and aunt settled abroad r struggling, they have major health problems and health care is so expensive.. aunt wants to join full time job as she had career breaks in between and now she wants to settle in career..but has been facing issues with lack of reliable child care for her kids...day cares are so expensive and getting a well paying job with lesser commute seems quite tough.
Their in laws r leading comfortable luxurious life in India, and they've to send them generous amount of money every month to fund it...kids education and future college education need to be planned and this pandemic has increased their stress levels.

 

OP, you got some good responses.

No wonder if three-fourth of the salary goes to rents and if both the partners are working, to the day cares of children. You earn, you spend. Don’t forget, minus the parents every thing else will be the same for you. Your H will still carry that Indian-ness and mentality to whichever country you go. If there is any emergency in India after you leave, high probability that you will end up being the one shuttling between Countries. The picture won’t be the same as we imagined from India.

Take a break. You deserve that. Go somewhere alone for sometime. Just you. Renew your mind and soul and go back home rejuvenated, to shoulder the responsibilities life placed on you. You cannot rid yourself of certain entanglements of life unfortunately.