Walking the fine line of righteousness with ILs

Amen Soccermom. I am so happy to finally see some sane replies in the middle of the infinite messages asking to "tolerate", "tolerate" and "tolerate".
These young ladies who insist on tolerating bad behaviour from MILs will grow up and expect their DILs to do the same. Thus goes the vicious cycle of the Indian MIL/DIL unhappiness.

My Inlaws too are basically good people. My MIL does not interfere in anything we do. She loves her son very very much and understands that for her son to be happy, I have to be happy. All that she genuinely wants in life is that her children are happy. So she does not cause us any problems - Knock on Wood. Her good behaviour makes me very greatful. My FIL on the other hand does not seem to have the same level of maturity and wisdom.

I visited India for work where I had to train about 400 people over a period of 2 weeks. I stood everyday for 8 hours giving training to about 15-20 people a day. Any good trainer knows you cant just sit around and read from slides to be effective. You have to walk around and engage the audience. At the end of the two weeks I was tired and broken. I needed a vacation to recuperate. I decided to spend 1 extra week in India partly with my parents and partly with my ILs. When I stayed with my mom, she truly let my legs and feet recover. When I stayed with my ILs, I helped out my MIL with shopping, lifting heavy groceries and anything else she asked me for. I truly wanted to help her out even if she insisted that I rest a little. I wanted to avail myself as much as I can. But my FIL kept yelling at me about why I did not wake up at 5 in the morning and do house duties.

The families in India conviniently forget that in the US we do all our house cleaning, cooking, dishwashing, laundry, grocery shopping, heavy lifting and all other sundry things ourselves in addition to the "40" hours of job every week. In India they have household help. All that the ladies in the India have to do is cooking, shopping and their job if they choose to have one.
When we visit India for a vacation from all the hard work in the US, we are expected to do more house work at the ILs place. It is because of the lack of empathy. How come my mom understands that I need recuperation and lets me have a vacation? My FIL on the other hand does not care about what I am going through. It is the lack of empathy. Thats why I am not looking forward to going to India on vacation. It only means more household work.

We Indians in the US do not have the luxury of even the measly 2 weeks of vacation that we get every year. Folks at work tell stories of being in Hawaii and burying their feet in the warm, white sand. They tell stories of sampling the various cuisines offerred by beautiful San Francisco. Some even tell of how they climbed Machu Pichu. I just say "Visited In Laws". They saw "awwww". I add "Two whole weeks". They cringe in sympathetic pain "ooooo".

When they visited us in the US, my FIL constantly complained about everything I did. For ex: He would ask for Tea and if it took me more than 10 mins to make Tea for 4 people he would come to the kitchen and yell why he hasnt gotten his Tea yet? He would sit on the couch and watch sports all day long and if happen to speak during that time he would shoo me like I am a dog. All day long all his interaction with me was something negative. These are small things, but its like the Chinese Water Torture, where a person is tied down and all day long small droplets of water fall on their forehead at regular intervals. After a while every drop feels like a hammer.

Of course as a result of this all that I can muster with all the strength I have is to be quiet to him and not express my unhappiness with him. I cannot think of anything sweet and nice to say to him. You cant ask someone going through the Chinese Water Torture to talk freely and nicely and joyfully to the torturer.

I measure every word I say. I am never myself with my ILs. I dont think they will ever get to know the real me. All that they see is the frown put on my face by my unhappiness. I am never impolite to them or act angry with them. I do loose the ability to smile for the entire time they are here. I become a different, sad, unhappy person. Once they leave even my husband notices the colour coming back in my face and the jokes I make again.

But all said and done. I am greatful for having In Laws who dont actively make my life miserable all the time. I am greatful for having a great MIL. Hopefully my FIL doesnt yell like that the next time they visit. That way I can be happy too for a change.

 

Amen Soccermom. I am so happy to finally see some sane replies in the middle of the infinite messages asking to "tolerate", "tolerate" and "tolerate".

These young ladies who insist on tolerating bad behaviour from MILs will grow up and expect their DILs to do the same. Thus goes the vicious cycle of the Indian MIL/DIL unhappiness.

My Inlaws too are basically good people. My MIL does not interfere in anything we do. She loves her son very very much and understands that for her son to be happy, I have to be happy. All that she genuinely wants in life is that her children are happy. So she does not cause us any problems - Knock on Wood. Her good behaviour makes me very greatful. My FIL on the other hand does not seem to have the same level of maturity and wisdom.

When they visited us in the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">US</st1lace></st1:country-region>, my FIL constantly complained about everything I did. For ex: He would ask for Tea and if it took me more than 10 mins to make Tea for 4 people he would come to the kitchen and yell why he hasnt gotten his Tea yet? He would sit on the couch and watch sports all day long and if happen to speak during that time he would shoo me like I am a dog. All day long all his interaction with me was something negative. These are small things, but its like the Chinese Water Torture, where a person is tied down and all day long small droplets of water fall on their forehead at regular intervals. After a while every drop feels like a hammer.

Of course as a result of this all that I can muster with all the strength I have is to be quiet to him and not express my unhappiness with him. I cannot think of anything sweet and nice to say to him. You cant ask someone going through the Chinese Water Torture to talk freely and nicely and joyfully to the torturer.

But all said and done. I am greatful for having In Laws who dont actively make my life miserable all the time. I am greatful for having a great MIL. Hopefully My FIL doesnt yell like that the next time they visit.