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Visiting Inlaws house after a big fight....Confused. Help me

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by pranavi13, Jun 6, 2014.

  1. pranavi13

    pranavi13 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I have written a previous post in in-laws section sometime back regarding MIL and BIL issue. Many of you know about it and you ppl have given me good suggestions.

    However that issue is not solved yet, it went under the carpet temporarily. And moreover they brain washed my husband to max level, that my husband got frustated to core and said, he will return all money in sometime and doesnt need any property. And he informed me that past is past, gone money/property is gone. From now on we will start saving and build up. I have no other choice at that moment to support him and accept him. I said yes. As we said, we will give money and doesnt need property, MIL and BIL were happy and temporarily stopped.

    Now the problem :

    After this fight for one week, I got so low and got irritated by seeing my MIL, BIL tricks (playing games). And to say I hate my MIL, BIL to core. I dont even like to see their faces....Moreover to keep my self in peace and sanity I decided to stop talking to them And i stopped talking to them from almost a month...in last one month, i didnt call my inlwas....Now my husband is requesting me to come to his place( my inlaws place) for weekend, which i refused outright. But he is still requesting me to come to his place once atleast. I dont know what to do?? I am confused...whether to accept my husband and go, only for his happiness or Just say NO as I dont link those ppl at all............... Please pour in your suggestions.

    Below is breif background on why, I hate my ILS a lot and saying NO to vist them. I thought it would be nice if I provide background to you ppl so that you will understrand my situation and valid suggestions come in................Sorry for long story........:(

    Long story short :

    Now its been 4 years that I got married and have 2.5 years old DD. All 4 years were terrible with respective of in-laws. MIL is so insensitive that she has put me through a lot of things , phyical and mental abuse, especially during my first mis-carraige, pregnancy and post-delivery phases. Knowing of her attitude from beginning I never expected any help from her. Forget about help in those phase, she has created all possible troubles to me. Took a chance during my ML , i mean in my absence with husband and brain washed him , so that he only supports his mom and completely ignores. I tred hard my best for many months and got back my husband to normal phase. She is a woman , who can lie, act dramas, play games to any extent/ any low level, to make her son/ if possible DIL (me) to listen and foloow her words. In one word, she needs me and her son under her control.....She should be like a dictator and no one should raise voice against her........Obviously with series of her games, incidents I really got mad on her and wanted to cut off my ties with her.

    So slowly i stopped my calls to her, once/twice in a week and that too only normal talks. Even though I hate her to core, i have never suggested my husband to cut off ties, after all they are his parents and I cant do it. From past 6-7 months , my husband understood the pain iam going through becoz of in-laws and supported me.

    Now 15 days back, MIL understood that my DH is supporting me and taking favour to me for almost many matters and she thought that her son is missing in her hold. She became very Mad and yelled at my husband , using very abusive low level language, which no one in our family never uses it or listens it......DH got very disturbed that her own mother is using a very low level language and abusing him for supporting his wife. Finally, when my DH questioned her for her action, immediately she acted, run crocodile tears and said that she was missing her son( my DH). I really dont understand how mother misses a son , when son supports her wife..........??....anywaz i just stopped using my brain for useless things...

    Last week , i went to my native as my dughater is with my mom now (temporarily) as it became very difficult for me to handle office work and kid. I use to WFH from past 7-8 months and I used to take care, but now i need to go to office hence I dropped my DD in my moms place for 3-4 months. I am missing my dd a lot and went to my moms place, where as my DH went to his place saying that he will stay there for one day and come to my native for sunday. I said OK . my DH informed that his mother is feeling bad , hence he needs to go. I didnt get any suprise , as being a Momma's boy he does that everytime. I dont interrupt there.........Last week when my husband went there , my MIL started complaining about me like she desnt call us, she doesnt come here....what she thinks of her self and mentioned below statement.

    MIL's statement : She doesnt come here, but goes to her moms place. what she thinks about her. she is showing all her attitude now. Let her. I know when to put her down and put her in my control. I will show her what I am is and what can I do to her.......How many days she will do like this...she has to come one day or other, then I will make her understand. Even though if she doesnt come now, she has to come during proporty division, then she will come...right. Then I will ask her , why she came that time...why she needs property?... i dont give a single penny......like this it went on....

    I very well know why she gave all the above statements, because she from the beginning of marraige have same thoughts in her mind. She always feels that her son and DIL will come and fall under her feet, even though she does anything. she has a very strong feeling that, we will keep our mouths shut and follow her and will be under her control , because of her property. Hence with those feelings, she created all possible damage to me for initial 3 years. I tried to make my DH understand that, but he was blind then....From past 1 year I very well understood and stayed away from her in all possible ways and I dont directly invlove in any money/proporty matter. I accept that she has 2-3 crores proprty, but that doesnt mean that she is queen victoria and we are her slaves.........more over among those 2-3 crores proporty 50-60 L is earned by my DH before and inital 3 years of marraige and gave them foolishly ....


    The above statements she gave Last week to my husband, and my husband told me only today. I got hurt very badly, that how she thinks and speaks about me. Very low. I really dont understand how she thinks that i can fall down to her feet for proprty....Now I am in confusion to go there or not.

    If i dont go, my DH feels bad and i might also given them a chance to say that I did wrong by not even visiting them.....

    If i go, she very strongly feels that her above statement is true, and hence her son , DIL came to their house, after a threating session given to her son.

    I dont know what to do???? If it is my decision, I dont like to go........no matter what thinks of me........but my Mom is like go and stay for only one day ad come back. even that one day, just watch tv, offer little help and sleep in ur room....

    Please friends......need your guidance/suggestions for me......
     
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  2. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    same here dear. My mil regularly yells at my dh in very abusive manner saying she will go missing and go and die somewhere etc etc because dh is supporting me or understanding my feelings. And when dh confronts her she will immediately say that she is depressed because she is missing him. thses are nothing but controlling mecanism and attempts to never allow son and dil gel well, for fear that iof an outside girl gets hold over her son, she will make him throw her away. These ladies do not understand that by trying to keep her son under her control by using such cheap tricks they will eventually end up losing him altogether, even if that happens 10 years from now and after ruining our happiness before that.

    any way, coming to your problem, in your place, i would have gone there for dh's sake. My sugegstion is go there and do as your mom said. Do not give them a chance to tell your dh 'see she is so arrogant, she does not even consider your request'. They will surely do it if you do not turn up. Do not hand them a new occasion to try and turn your dh against you. We can win every battle with mil if we fight togehter as unit. They know that and that is why they always try to break that unit, divide and rule. Do not let her win. Go and be good in your dh's opinion. That will help a lot in future.
     
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  3. Anjelin

    Anjelin Gold IL'ite

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    Being in India , you cant ignore ur in laws fully
    I agree with your mom visit formally, Turn deaf ears to anyone criticism, Stay for one day and then run back to your home..
     
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  4. pranavi13

    pranavi13 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks shobhamumbaikar and Anjelin..........thanks for your suggestions....

    As you ppl said, i need to go to just make my dh happy and for not giving them any other chance to speak against me.........but you know one thing, It feels very bad to me.....

    for what ever they did till now, why will i still need to go to them.....this question will occupy my mind whole day and when ever I see them, I get all those bad memories back. and sometimes I hate my DH also, as initally he's being a momma boy, never supported me.....I just handled verything or to say gone through everything all alone......only from one year , he started supporting me....I just cant forget what they did to me.....stupid ppl in world........
     
  5. Quebec

    Quebec Platinum IL'ite

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    DO NOT GO........

    You are such an understanding person.... And you have never stopped your DH from having relation with IL's.......

    If you go now she will say see how this woman has come running when i said i will not give her property............

    To hell with her property.......

    Tell you husband this........

    "How can you expect me to go there when she has said what she has to you...... Will you go if my parents ever said same.... Never naa..... Because it will hurt your self respect....... Now going after all she has said about me will hurt my self respect......"

    by gods grace OP you will make 10 times the property....

    Take care
    Chow
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I suggest you go with your husband. make it clear to him that you expect him to protect you in case she bad mouths or abuses you.Also tell him you will only visit with him and never alone.

    As for property. Leave it.Not much you can do. I suggest you people stop giving money to her. If she has property worth 2-3 crores...she can take care of her needs. Start investing....when you have a substantial sum,invest in a property.Doesn't matter if it is big or small. The day you have a property in your name(you and your husband) she will lose some of that attitude.

    My MIL would speak in a really loud tone to me always mentioning that they had made a house for both sons. Always interfering till I convinced my husband to invest in a house.There was a lot of drama but I preferred to be the bad dil than the one who could be controlled. A house is more than a house. It says...I am free...I don't have to depend on any one for a roof over my head.Think about it as a long term plan. Besides there is nothing more satisfying than having a house /property which is self bought by money earned/saved by self.The house may be smaller and not as grand...but it is a much happier place.
     
  7. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi sometimes we have to do things for our spouses and it has nothing to do with outside people i.e. MIL. I would suggest that you go there keep your guard up be polite and don't communicate much. She seems like a loose cannon so let her stir up drama and if she pulls something your DH is there to witness and then you have an excuse not to go next time. I am only suggesting this if you are able to mentally handle that. But based on what she said about you recently you do have every right not to go. Problem is that DH will go without you and then the brainwashing continues. Show your DH you are the bigger person, negotiate lesser days with him at IL place and plan outings etc. Let her boil over and your DH has to clean up the mess and he will think twice. You are in a tough situation. I would probably go as your DH will respect you for that as you say he is on your side. If he was not supporting you then I would say don't go. One thing I don't understand why didn't your DH say anything back to your MIL when she was talking bad about you, hopefully he did. That would drive me nuts if my DH listened and said nothing and just casually reported back to you.
     
  8. pranavi13

    pranavi13 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Quebec for your suggestion. Yes , even I dont prefer to go...I just dont like seeing their faces......I dont even care about their property....I dont mind even if i dont a single penny from them. I just want them to be far apart from us and doesnt involve in our lives. Additional I dont want her to influence my DH for every single thing in life.......

    It all looks fine, only when our husband's understand our point and stand to it.... but my DH never does it... I try my level best to make him understand and temporarily he understands it. Ofcourse that time he supports me for everything in the world. He stays in that level/stage for some months and life is as peaceful and happy as expected. Then suddenly one fine day, my MIL realizes that son is not in hold and then she starts all crying dramas, emotional drama, then this son falls for it........What to do???:bang All my effort goes to drain.....finally these momma's win over their crocodile tears, emotianal drama ...cant help much on it. At the end, If i confront my DH, he says " after all , she is my mom...today I am here becoz of her....what can i do?? I cant leave u and cant leave her as well.....I cant see her pain becoz of me, so I will just not oppose her...pls understand"...I have no reply to above stmt...

    Anywayz, now last weekend, I clearly stated my DH, that I thought of comming initally, but when you said that she said about me on proprty terms, now I dont like to come. even If i come for your sake, she will understand that I came for proporty or any thintg else so i dont accompany you. Finally he said, let her think what ever it is, I know what you are, I am just asking you to come so that I dont need to leave you all alone here for two days...I have no reason to say NO to him. I went along with him. Reached , just asked formal questions about their being and health, ate breakfast, went to room and slept off happily.......:). Generally I help her in cooking and cleaning utensils, but this time i didnt even offered her any help intentionally....Let her also realize that she can forcefully make her son to get DIL to home, but not care and affection from DIL. and then got up at lunch time, ate lunch and I said I am missing my daughter a lot....Same time my daughter sixth sense worked very wll....hugsmiley. She called my DH and asked about me ( she is just 2.5 y old) but she called and asked about my arrival. With that reason I went to my native in afternoon after lunch and came to bglr directly from my native today...............

    She has nothing to say.........I didnt give her any chance to talk to me......I successed some how....
     
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  9. pranavi13

    pranavi13 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks yellowmango and sunshine for your suggestions.......

    Yellowmango, you are very true.....even I prefer any investment/saving just with our money...even if it is very little, I just love that satisfaction which you get while having the land/house of your own with our hard earned money....I have a very strong feeling that these properties/inheritance from parents will not give us any satisfaction or respect for ourselves in society...after all its not our money...

    I never expect any property from them. If they are sharing between two sons, We are ok to take. We dont decline....but we are not just waiting for it. But it is my MIL's thought process that she feels we will depend on her....Dont know why she feels?...but she has this feeling from begining of our marriage....I always ignored , thinking that let her think whatever it is....but now she is going beyond her limit...

    She has that feeling becoz , my foolish DH kept all his saving till last year there...i mean sent all money to them and they kept purchasing lands in either my MIL/BIL names....hence we couldnt save much till last year. From last year we started saving oursleves ( my DH realized after a big storm on his head from his parents and my brainwashing sessions, and uderstood that whatever he sent for past 9 years is compeletly gone - 40-50L...:(( ).

    Hopefully, by god's grace I want to pull out some money and buy a small home of ours and I really wanted to show her , that We all can live happiliy and also earn our small home/proprrty ourselves..........Let her live with her own hell of property and we dont care it.........

    Sunshine, As mentioned in my earlier post I went for just 4-5 hours there and among those 4-5 hours, slept off for 3 hours...so I stayed with them only for 1 hour that too just causal talk...I dont say that my DH is very decent guy who supports me and opposes/raises his voice against his mom and also not very bad guy....These men are very difficultt to interpret...Sorry for genric statement here, but I felt that way. I never know when my DH will be my side and when to her side. He keeps on shifting this side and that side. When my brain washing session works, he will be this side. When her mom's drama works, he shifts to that side. So I totally dont depend or rely on him...

    But , fingers crossed, he is on my side from past 7-8 months. Due to which only she created drama 15 days back (She is burning inside that her son is supporting DIL). He didnt oppose her or supported me when she spoke about me, becoz he dont want any more dramas further. Whenever he supports me or opposes her mom's word, she will create a drama immediatly and he undertsood it very well....May be , i think he wants to play safe........with out supporting either of us....

    Now I asked him , about this last weekend on why he didnt support me before his mom, when his mom spoke something about me, which is not my mentality....(Basically my DH knows very well that I dont expect any proprty from his parents, its me who alwsys push him to ear himsleves and buy even a small house, becoz i like that feel of ours own....) He said , I am done with both of you....it means me and his mom... it seems he decided not to support me and not to support her also.......he said i will not suppoort anyone here...I just listen to you and my mom, both of you...thats all.....it is problem b/w you and your MIL. I have nothig to do here.........afterall Men are Men, He is happily escaping here....:hide:
     

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