Visiting in-laws first time after marriage and scared

deepshikha · Oct 17, 2007

Hello friends
After our marriage i stayed with my in-laws for just 10 days and then moved to US with my husband. During my 10day stay there my husbands younger sister constantly passed comments on me and the way my family arranged the wedding. My husband is very fond of his younger sister so i could not say a word to her but just tried to be nice. Its been 10 months since then and during this time my MIL once came over to stay with us for 5 months. While she was here she constantly tried to prevent me from calling my parents back home in India. She did not like it when i spoke of my family to my husband. I grew up in a very close knit family and have a younger 14 year old sister whom i brought up like my own child back home in India. But my MIL kept on telling me that i now belong to her family and should pay more attention to her and my huisband's siters. She would make comments about how her daughters are better than me in every way and try to put me down. My SIL's are elder to me in age and i am the youngest in my husbands family too. But my MIL wants nme to pamper my SIL's with gifts whenevr i come to India.
Now we are planning to visit India during deepawali and i am so scared that i don't know what to do. I want to buy gifts for my SIL's but my husband won't let me saying that we have sent enough gifts for them earlier. I don't have the courage to ak him to buy gifts for my younger sister as i know my MIL will get irritated if she comes to know trhat i brought gifts for my family. I am really scared at the thought of visiting my in-laws as they are very dominating people(my SIL stays with her husband and one child at MIL's place ) .
I have always been a mild girl and been brought up in the security of my family. My mother especially gave me a lot aof love. But now in my MIL i see only a scheming plotting lady who wants me to pamper her grown up daughters all the time. I don't want to offend my husband too but i miss all the love i got from my own family before marriage. I don't know how to handle this. Please help me.

JayaJ · Oct 18, 2007

hello,

there is no need to be scared. afterall, your husband has said there is no need to buy gifts. if any of our SILs or Mil make any comment, tell them u told ur husband to buy to he refused to saying we have already given enough. that will shut them up. how will ur mil or sils know what u have bought for your family? if u dont tell them nor does ur husband, how will they know?
since your still newly married, u need to be firm about certain things. if you are so meek and mild, then, they will step all over you and before you know it, u will be miserable and sad.
please make it clear to your mil that just because you have entered her family doenst mean that you should cut ties or your bond with your family who have raised you so lovingly for so many years. make it clear to her that you will be in touch with your family and that its your choice to do...she doesnt have any control over that.

cheer up and be assertive for your rights.
best of luck

priyauc · Oct 19, 2007

Hi Deeps,
First and foremost, does your husband support you or he too is against you keeping in touch with your family.
If he is supportive then half your problem is solved. Make it clear to him that just because you are married into his family doesnt mean you will severe ties with your family.secondly if he has no restrictions on you calling your family then whats the worry. Evrytime his mother cribs or stops you tell your husband to deal with her. He will know how best to handle his mother. yes if he has said no need to buy gifts for the sil`s then dont worry . if your mil says anything tell your husband to talk to her. dont open your mouth and become the bad one. Coz you are still new and anything you say will go against you. Your husband will know best how to tackle the situation.
Next. if your husband is dancing to the tunes of his mother then you have two battles to fight: try to get your husband to understand your feelings and point of view.tell him if his married sisters were treated this way by thier inlaws how would he or ur mil feel. slowly and with patience he will turn to you and understand you. Have aptience. Dont be bad to your mil or sil while you are there. be good so they cant talk or taunt you. Be diplomatic but be assertive. if you are submissive and meek you will get squashed!!

balamotwani · Oct 19, 2007

Hi Deep,

Jaya and priya have already advised you very nicely.

If anyone asks where is gift for SILs then tell them that your hubby is the deciding authority and ask them to ask him, he will handle them.

If you feel your MIL wont like you giving gifts to your parents and sisters, send gifts in advance thru post or deliver using online shopping or go and buy there and give whatever they like without your MIL's knowledge.

This is your first time - there are two options , be patient, calm and good to all your in law side people or be bold, give back so that they wont open their mouth against you. As you said you are not very bold, it is better to be quite and after few years you will be more bold, confident and strike back if needed.

I dont understand how your MIL compares you with her daughter as her own daughter is living with her while you are very very far off from your parents.

First time so be cool, nice, calm, obedient DIL. Whatever just blame your hubby as your hubby is good and he will handle.

Bala

geeta_sathish · Oct 21, 2007

Dear Deepshika,

Don't even be bothered about MIL not liking it if you call your mom. Fist of all, she was visiting you. Its your home and you perfectly have the right to decide whom to call when you want. Nobody can replace our biological mother in giving us unconditional love and pampering us when we grow up. Any MIL has no rights to stop us from speaking to our loving family who brought us up with so much of care and affection. So, be authoritative when it comes to calling your home. Just pick up the phone and speak. Don't be scared of anyone when it comes to this.

Your MIL has her grown-up married daughter living with her so if she tells you that have to severe ties with your parents after marriage, very politely ask her why her daughter had not done the same thing. You need not be rude, but if you be meek, you will always be used as a door mat. Be polite, but be firm in your views. As this is your first long stay with her, you will get an opportunity to get to know her more. Try your best to be friendly with her as well as with your SILs, go with an open mind.But if they are unreasonable, don't be a doormat. If you don't start now, you will have difficulty changing it later. Also, if you are bold now, they might also get the idea that you can't be taken for granted that easily.

For any DIL going to India on vacation, many issues might crop up, like where to go first - Mom's place or MIL's place. How long to stay in MIL's place. When to go to Mom's place etc etc....Even if things don't go exactly as you plan, don't get depressed, it is only a vacation. You will be back at your home soon and will not have to deal with their pressure for long. So, don't let their behaviour spoil your vacation.

Cheers,
Geetha