Violence In South Asian Marriages - Another Victim

In my friends groups we sometimes joke First Generation Indians are more Indian than the Indians in India. I have noticed it is quite true also .

If you read the story the victim is Pak origin, who sometime are also conservative. no one has right to take anyone life. But you must understand Rihana madam's point. Social media shaming is very powerful.

If it is not powerful then why do high schools are talking so much about cyber bulling.

 

I like the way you dissected all the points.

lot if us still suffer from baggage (maybe it will never leave us. Maybe this pain will only cause us to grow)

I really like your unbiased way of laying out these points.

Of course lot of us will blame the ex and his parents based on our experiences and speculations.

And the ex’s actions point us more towards our speculations based on our bitter life experiences

and @lavani is right, Indians here are more Indian than these from India - plus in my experience we get ridiculed for it. I was called a village girl by my ex who himself was from an a$$ backward village. He is both illiterate and cruel.

 

If that was true.....the relationship forum would not exist. The large percent of women who post here live in America .

 

Threads like this makes me wonder whether the members of this IL forum are really representing Asia or they are from a different community?

Just because I am blessed to live a different, rather independent life doesn't mean everyone in my society has that freedom. It is very important to understand our community, the common values, the traditions, and the practices before throwing any comments based on what we believe in.

In common, the south Asian community is unsupportive, rather stigmatize men & women to stay in the marriage. Divorce is not common, and divorcees are considered unequal.

This forum is a mini sample of what people are going through while battling abusive marriages, and divorce process. The life after divorce isn't very cool for many given the taboos associated with finding the right partner for the second marriage. When culture is so regressive, your location doesn't do any favor in this regard.
That's why young educated Indian women living in USA come to this forum and vent about abusive marriage or struggle after divorce.
This is the reality.

Women are considered a liability at her parent's house. Transferred to her in laws' house as a property.

Till date, parents decide for their daughter's marriage and daughters' are raised not to say NO when their parents' chose. It is always believed a father will never make a wrong decision, and his intention will always be right.

Honor killing, and caste based tortures are not happening in Antarctica. It happens in South Asia, in big cities among civilized people.

Till date, female children are opting suicide instead of surviving after a sexual assault. Because they fear their parents & the society rather than their perpetrators.

It is a shame that they can't discuss such experiences with their own mothers, because it is considered a taboo.

It is funny, because our parents think it is alright to be abused, or to live in a loveless marriage rather than to be a shame before the society.
They may be right, because we live in a society that is expert in victim blaming.

If a girl is raped, we blame her for the dress, for the conduct, but often sympathize with the rapist as if he was a saint but got provoked by the girl.
The rapist will move on in life after a few years of imprisonment if at all he was convicted. He will get married, have a family, a job & a social life.
But the victim will perish no matter what.
Unless she is bold enough to break the social rules, she will have nothing except humiliation & social exclusion as if she had asked for it.
That's why victims keep mum about the violence.

This social mindset is the reason why women chose to stay put in abusive marriages, and ask their DDs to do the same. Because dying in such a life as a Sumangali is considered better than living in this society as valaavetti/divorcee

Of course there are exceptions, but exceptions do not make the rule.
When it comes to community as a whole, let's not base our discussions on such exceptions.

 

@Rihana, thnks for that point wise disection of the issue. Made me think and understand my thoughts too.

Just my 3 cents ( what with the inflation as it consumes us
I havent seen her tiktoks , just read the main news about her so What I say may not be applicable for the person in the news. But even if she want murdered, what her family did wan not right.

Do you remember a poster here ( i will refrain from naming ), who did mention a similar issue with her parents? She came across as well balanced, reasonable , and clear thinking individual in so many of her posts. She is an indian american , married to someone brought up in India, her marriage wasnt "horrible", she just didnt feel the love and respect and couldnt "reconcile" with her husband's mindset, and after trying a lot to settle in for the sake of her child, she wanted out, she felt it was better for her to divorce or she would just get suffocated. And even when she took her divorce she thought it thru. Her parents didnt support her or even understand why she was doing it. The same asian thing -- he doesnt ill treaat you, doesnt have any "bad" habits, why would you divorce him? Making it all the more difficult for her to make that call. Luckily for her, she went with the divorce and managed to set her life on her own terms but that doesnt diminish the fact that our(south asian) " traditional" mindset allows "divorce" only if life is a living hell for women, otherwise just say it is my fate, compromise, and carry on.

We feel our daughter is "adult" enough to "think" and to get married, but not mature enough to "divorce"? Advice, lectures from parents is all ok, but isnt it important to convey, "Please think this thru", "I feel you are rushing this" , "give it more time", whatever.. along with it our support - "Whatever you decide I am there for you" ? Isnt that what a family provides - support when one needs it?
While this mindset may not just be a "south asian" thing, it is more likely a "conservative" society thing. And is something we should out grow of. Fast

 

Another reason:
You are anyways living separately just stay like that. Why do you have to file

 

Two families have lost their adult children forever. They are still dealing with pain from the loss. And they have to deal with the guilt of having arranged this match in the first place.

Must we morph into the char log whose wagging tongues our society fears? Must we dissect their lives based on scarce information, select our villains and verbally stone them? How about extending a little compassion and benefit of the doubt to the grieving parents?

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My sympathies are with the girl and her family only.

In my experience the boy’s side is arrogant from the time a male child is born. They raised this devil (fact is he found her and killed her in cold blood) and they reap what they sow.