Very Upset mainly with Husband

newby2014 · Jan 18, 2015

Hello All,

I'm really upset these days mainly on my husband. he is the one who can control his parents wrong doing but he never does .He ignores everything in regards to them and treat them with utmost respect and expect me to be the same to my inlaws, sil as i'm with my parents and sister. He forgets the fact that my inlaws lie to us on the face, hide things, have never done anything for us, always expect us to give large sums to sil and them versus my family , my sister is their for us when needed. Thy have no expectations not even a single gift from me .

Also, if for some reason i'm upset with my inlaws ( I never treat them badly) just get angry by myself and express my feelings to my husband. He gets angry on me and start taking their side, covering them up for everything. I have noticed that he gets more lovey dovey with them after they have been mean to us or they did something bad.
It bothers me so much. Once he felt that I did not talk to his parents nicely when I was angry . I actually told my mil how expensive it is to live here indirectly while she was expecting large sums from us. He gave me consequences by not treating my family nicely.

Since then I have noticed that he treats his family like king, he will be very talkataive, will take days off when his sister is visiting us so that we can take them around, will sit at night until 2 chatting etc.Also when she leaves, he will make sure to give her large amount of money or big gifts. But when my sis visits, he is so cold. My BIL is very jovial, but even he said it to my sister that I try to cover my husband all the times. My husband would talk to them minimal, no jokes nothing. Will say that he has to go to work tmr , so lets sleep after dinner. No chatting with them or get to know them. will not take even hour off from work, rather pretends that his work is really busy these days. when it comes to gifting, he fights with me to give her any regular gift. It does not matter that she is my sister and she is getting more for my kids than what I'm giving her back. He says when she has kids, we will also do for the kids...

after this now , I'm very angry. When his sister comes, I'm nice . I treat her as any guest in the house but he purposely just ignores my family. and if i say something he says that I'm just making things up, he is nice to my sister as well...

also, recently his parents refused to help us during the pregnancy . They are so mean on our face that they havent even mentioned or asked me once as how will I manage for the delivery , who will help. The reason is they want to come for my sil later this year and they are straight away ignoring the fact that I'm also pregant. I brought this up to my husband and he agreed that it is wrong. But after that there is nothing. He is also now quiet. Earlier, he would always think of having his parents over so that they can spend time with grand kids. Now he knows that they wnr come, so he is so quiet.

I told him I need help and need my parents. so he did agree but at times, hes been hinting me that we have a nanny, so what is the need of parents...he said that 3-4 times and I'm so angry on him. Now his parents cannot come or will not come so i need no help. Earlier when he wanted them here, so I needed help...

I feel that everyone is so mean, my inlaws are mean on the face, my husband ignores them. But I cry inside thinking about how mean my husband is to me. for him his family is everything and I'm secondary .

when it comes to gifting money to sil, he always tells me so what if my mom wants us to give her, we will give sil the money so that mom is happy. This a compromose on ur side. Now when I want to do something for my family, then where does that thought goes???/ why cant he think of keeping his wife happy with a small compromose of treating my family nicely....on top of this my family always treat us nicely...

I feel i'm in a fix here: my sister does so much for me, but i cant do anything because i' m suppose to be doing the same for sil all the times....and when time comes, somehow my sil always gets more becuase he is big brother....

if i say or try to put my point across, there are fights. So I have stopped that now for my own sanity ....but i'm angry on HUSBAND NOT MIL OR SIL BUT MY HUSBAND

Is their a way to change him ???? can he start treating people based on how they treat us ???

abla · Jan 18, 2015

Well it may not be easy to change him.He also may remain very blind to how his family treats you or him . But you can stand up for yourself .

Well you guys did invite his parents as # 1 choice to help with your delivery but they clearly refused .So now make sure your parents are here to help you .These are the times when you need your mom the most . Don't listen to his hints of just depending on a nanny. Tell him just like his parents are coming over to support his sister in her delivery time you need your mom too.

The unfair treatment towards your family is also not acceptable.I am not sure how long you are married.But these things usually change with more years of marriage . Ideally decision to give big gifts,money etc to siblings should be discussed and given as a family.If he is clearly not following this and is treating his siblings differently that your's you do not need to wait for his permission to buy something for your sister or get the same thing for SIL.

Next time his sister or parents are here do not bend over backwards for them.Be courteous and nice as they are guests but do not over indulge in entertaining .Don't miss any work days(if you are working ) and go by your routines . If he complains give him a dose of his own medicine and tell him that he is imagining this and you always treat everyone the same

yellowmango · Jan 18, 2015

Sit down and discuss this with husband in a calm manner when you are both not angry.
Tell him...since in laws have decided not to help you out in your time of need...he should not expect you to bend over backwards when they need help.

Tell him how he behaves with your parents ....ask him if it is ok if you treat his family that way? Because that is what you are planning to do from now on .If he feels he treats your family fairly then you will also be the same with his.

Don't bend over backwards for them .

As for your delivery...tell him you want your parents around just like his sister wants her parents around. But tell him you will call them only if he promises to be good to them for the help they are giving ...that his parents are un willing to give.Tell him what you expect from him if your parents are called.If he is unwilling to do that...then tell him you want a maid with a nanny and you will manage but he and his family better be ready to hear about this for the rest of their lives.

Plan ahead and don't spare any expenses. You are saving on air tickets...take that money from him and use it for having someone work for you.

As for the gifts......Are you working? If you are.....then don't bother to ask him...just buy what you want.
If you are not...then just tell sister to cut down on the gifting as you can't reciprocate back. Let your husband know you have asked your sister to reduce gifting.Gifts are not worth the trouble....if they cause problems. Just go and buy what ever you want.If your sil can get what she wants...so can you.

noush · Jan 18, 2015

Check with him what are his views on "tit for tat" behaviour

CrayoNess · Jan 18, 2015

Your husband cannot change his parents and it is not his fault how they are. Were there some specific reason (health issues) you needed help during pregnancy? If you have agreed on the family budget (how much each of you contribute to household expenses, savings etc) then maybe you both then can gift your own families/relatives how you wish. You cannot change your inlaws but you can minimize the impact they have on your life.

nb25 · Jan 20, 2015

OP,

You can ask your sister to bring a gift card, and give it to your husband, saying its for him. For the kids and yourself, she can bring some small things as a gesture. Let DH receive the gift card from her. I think he may be more willing to gift your sister then, if not out of gratitude, at least a sense of pride.

If he is only hinting that your parents should not come, ignore the hints. Say no need to hire outsiders, my parents will be there. Ask him when should we call my parents? Act as if you do not take his words seriously when he says don't call parents.

Otherwise, you can also tell him you expect him to be around always. Tell him without your family there to help you, you will incur huge expenses on hired help, expect husband to take lots of leave for doctor's appointments or if you need help any time, cooking and other chores would be passed on to him when you are not well, etc. Basically, scare him into it.

dsmenon · Jan 21, 2015

Hi OP,

Since your in-laws cannot come and help you, you definitely have your parents come. If he says that nanny is there tell him nanny cannot replace mother. Then ignore what ever he says and walk away.

Talk to your husband about his attitude towards your sis and his sis. Make him understand that it is hurting you. And also one more thing how much ever bad your in-laws are do not point this out to your DH. It is not worth it. You know they are not as nice as your DH thinks them to be. You try to keep your distance. There is not point in bitching about them with your DH. Even though he understands that he is not going to acknowledge the fact. In turn this will drive him away from you.

Regarding gifting, if you are working you don't need his permission to buy gifts for your side of the family. If not, again talk to your DH. Not confront him but talk calmly. Tell him what you feel - not yell, not cry.

Sometimes you never know talking can really sort a lot of issues.