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Very Unsocial Hubby

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shama146, Jul 29, 2020.

  1. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    My cousin lives in Germany. Married for 6 years. There they have no family around, only the Indian community friends.
    Whenever there is any festival or functions, these people gather for celebration.

    Now the problem is my cousin is very outgoing, social, have lots of friends and likes attending these functions. But her husband is quite opposite. He never goes for these functions. Doesn't like making friends or inviting them to his house. This is making my cousin very depressed.

    I have advised her going alone, but with two small kids she doesn't like going. Secondly the hubby makes a long face if she goes alone.
    How to tackle this, what should I tell her. She feels quite bored and at times embarrassed by her husband's behaviour. He is the most boring person we have seen. Only likes going for work, eat and sleep. No traveling or vacations...pls advise.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Does he have any positive qualities at all? Knowing these would help in suggesting some ideas your cousin could try.
     
  3. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Otherwise he is ok. Helps in house work. Good provider. Loves his kids and wife too. When he visits our family also, then he behaves well. Only thing is he remains quiet most of the time.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2020
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  4. sridharvijji

    sridharvijji Bronze IL'ite

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    Accepting him as is will bring peace to your cousin
    Someone who is like that for a prolonged period of time can’t change easily For her what about his social anxiety
    And your cousin is trying to change him the way she wants him to be .Every person has likes nd dislikes
    Let him be himself and slowly try to change him .It might take Few years But it should be one step at a time
    She should stay hopeful and keep trying without putting much pressure on him or herself
    Things can’t change overnight
    When everything is fine we simply crib on something to worsen the present situation .
    If he becomes socially active for her Unwillingly ..
    He may not be happy but your cousins might be happy ..
    Choice is hers
    Please ask her to be hopeful
    I wish lots of peace to her
    Hope is a decision which will change things in the direction of our needs .
     
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  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    It can be exhausting for an introvert to constantly go to social activities. At the same time it’s not fair to the outgoing spouse if he always complains.If he is otherwise a decent person they should compromise.
    She can attend some events by herself while he watches the kids and they can invite one or two families home occasionally instead of a big crowd.
    As kids grow up it will be good for everyone to plan regular vacations and travel. This will widen their exposure and create priceless family memories. One can start small by taking day trips to local attractions.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2020
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Since he is otherwise OK, two suggestions:
    Generally, men check how much the wife disagrees with an idea. Women care about how much the husband agrees. For men the test is, "will she get over it by tomorrow" and they go ahead with what they want to do. But women crave for almost full approval from husband. She needs to start ignoring the long face and not allow it to bother her much. Yes, it is annoying to see a long face when getting ready to go somewhere, but over time it can be mostly ignored.

    Another thing she can see is would he be more comfortable around people who are meeting for an activity like hiking and are not really "friends." These are the ones you meet through meet-up, and they don't necessarily make it to one's whatsapp. : )
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Just ignore his long face , don't even acknowledge it and do what she wants She should inform him for sure. For example, if she has a plan, ask him whether he wants to join, if not hand over the kids to him and go. If she want she can take kids with her . Same way do things alone, like going for walk, visiting other places etc..

    Invite one or two family than a crowd to home. Tell him they will drop in. Slowly introduce the idea. Tell him, your kids need social mingling. So you are doing it for them. He has to adjust with it.

    Don't allow her husband to control her life. He can decide if he want to be part of the entertainment or not. But he can't force her from not living and enjoying her life by these simple things in her life.
     
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  8. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    I wish there were more replies to this post with different perspectives. I wish to know more. I might be going through something similar.
     
  9. MaruthiRao

    MaruthiRao Silver IL'ite

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    Well this has been always a concern with one or the other spouse... I am going through this turmoil, my wife does not like to socialize, neither she does.. We have been married for 13 years now still in spite of multiple discussions on this, I did not see the worth in saying it again... I have given up... I have my life too.. I socialize even if things go a lil awry... Coz some day the other person will get used to it... Be strong just be what u are... I am happy that u socialize...
     
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  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:
    This was the idea struck in my head, the moment I read your post.
    Bring the outdoor party indoors and let him watch the proceedings for a while. It might act as a tonic and rejuvenate him for the gala mealas.

    Thanks and Regards.
    God Bless.
     
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