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Very Stressed-always Complaining In Laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Oct 26, 2020.

  1. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

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    Look at such situations as a test and try and get your DH in confidence. Try not to take things to heart and know that your MIL will be like that because it's her nature. Can't expect a lion to not eat you if you have raised it with a lot of love because it is built like that. Emotional detachment is the key here.
     
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks @Dreamer
    Her nature is like that only...
    Always complaining...
    Always comparing...comparing with other ladies of our family circle who are of my age group..
    According to her, other DILs do all the chores and cooking for entire household, only I don’t do,..
    She knows very well that many of them have full time and live in helpers, so theyre not so burdened with chores or cooking...and most of them don’t even live with in laws, so they cook in small quantities and sometimes once or twice a week and store in freezer...
    I don’t have these options...
    I have developed a kind of dislike for other relative (ladies) of my fin laws famil circle due to these comparisons and I don’t enjoy interactions or gettogetehrs with them these days..
     
  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    These days my irritation level seems are high...
    Many of my friends living in India and abroad put pics of themselves with just their spouse and kids, as nuclear family...
    They have so much free time and freedom...
    I get so irritated when I think of the privacy that we’ve have been missing since so many months...
    I follow many cooking channels and cooking blogs...
    I get irritated when I see any videos of Indian dishes, as they always prepare in smaller quantities during such videos...in joint family such large quantity need to be prepared...which is strenuous..so I mostly don’t try such recipes..
    My In laws want only standard meals so I also stick to that only...
    My father in law always demands such and such dish to be made and MIL obliges as he is old..even if it causes extra effort after and inconveniences to make..
    Can’t they be little considerate of situation and make things easier.l.
    I would prefer very simple meals, and one pot dishes..
    Atleast one or two days a week there should be less number of utensils to wash...that rarely ever happens..
    Seriously lockdowns and Covid situation have messed with my mind and made me a negative and irritable person...I was not like this earlier...
    I feel like I’m becoming a mean and unpleasant person sometimes due to frustration and resentment with this situation and health issues.
     
  4. preeti6years

    preeti6years Bronze IL'ite

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    I was in this situation few months back. Let me tell you what happened with me. MIL was cooking then. It was as if she was doing a big favor for us. Mind you cooking means chopping veggies and throwing them on stove and nothing else. As you said she used to throw in many utensils in the sink. To make an extra cup of coffee for herself she will use 4-5 vessels. So you can imagine my plight. Not only washing utensils, sweeping, mopping our floor, handling my 2 two year old, giving her bath, feeding her, put her to sleep and then manage office work.
    All these activities gifted me a wonderful disease called Cervical Radiculopthy. The pains shoots from the shoulders down the chest, arms and elbows. One side emotional stress and on other hand physical pain. Net result most of the money went into online consultation with docs on Practo. Gynaecs, Physocologists, ortho, neuro what not. I took six months for me to diagonise the actual problem.In between tremendous stress because of MIL, BIL. Fights with DH day in day out. Thats it my frustration reached peaks and gave an ultimatum to DH that I would leave. As a sample I stayed in another room for a couple of days.
    That helped to some extent. My DH is now seems to be tolerable to a considerable extent now.
    Now I cook as I had severe issues with MIL when it comes to cooking. I stopped doing rest of the things except taking care of DD. Now MIL feels competitive and insecured as she is not allowed to make main cooking anymore.
    She tries to keep up the show by making something or the other everyday like pickles, chutneys etc.
    Do what works best for you. But please take care of yourself first before you end up getting similar health problem like mine.
     
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  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh..hope you are feeling better now...
    I already have health issues since last year, these got aggravated due to weather changes, increased workload, manual work and high stress levels..
    I keep watching what I speak and dread even small thing which sparks off big argument or fight...
    Really we ladies need to take care of our health , if we take on additional load in terms of stress and physical work it causes health issues...
    Once we get health problem , it’s so tough to follow up with different specialists, undergo tests, take medications, painful treatments and procedures etc..people who were insensitive to problems earlier would continue to be insensitive even when we are in pain..
     
  6. preeti6years

    preeti6years Bronze IL'ite

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    This eats out our brain. Been there for quite a long time.
    There were times where me and DH had tough time to gel up. He unanimously chose to stand up by his family inspite of their wrong deeds. I used to so submissive and would nod my head for every damn thing.
    Once my dear friend gave a good gyan to me on this. She said " Even if you are with him, he is not nice to you, even if you stand up for yourself he is the same. So do you think is there any point being a doormat?". This point of hers somehow shook me. I started standing up for myself every now and then, though most of the times I let things go. Fast forward 5 years, I felt this is the limit. I never looked back taking up on my MIL. Even if I felt DH gives me deadly silent treatment, I did not care. As such I was muted in the house. So no point. Whenever she tried to take on me, I shouted back on top of the roof. Blewing off the steam used to give me a sense of satisfaction and relief.
    And now the situation is MIL thinks twice to start verbal attack on me.
    So my point, the more you are worried of arguments, the more it becomes their advantage. There is no need to shout back. Just give a confident and stern reply in a calm tone and walk out of that place. Trust me that brings jolts in them. This is how I started.
     
  7. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Makes sense...
    no point in being a doormat...
    In fact, during earlier days of marriage, I would just stand silently and cry when she would shout at me and criticise me...after I started answering back she backed off slightly... if she scolds me, my husband openly argues and scolds me in front of them rather than staying neutral..so can’t expect him to be openly supportive..
    Yes, giving a stern and confident reply without being too rude and disrespectful may work most of the time.
     
  8. preeti6years

    preeti6years Bronze IL'ite

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    Earlier days of marriage is what spoils the MIL and DIL. DIL remains silent and MIL takes advantage. Now you are no more a new DIL so better take charge of yourself.
    Coming to your husband role in this, well there are two ways of dealing with him.
    When you are having a casual conversation with him, mention him that it hurts when he shouts at you infront of everyone. Tell him if he finds anything wrong or bothering he has to tell that only in between the four walls. You can scream and yell at each other when you both are alone but set a clear rule. No shouting in front anyone.
    Second way, give him his share of dose when any argument errupts. This is a negative way of silencing him. When you shout back at him infront of his mom, he understands that you have no more patience to deal with crap. Either he will ask his mom to keep quiet or he backs off from the argument and lets the ladies to deal with the matter.
    You can chose a combination of both based on the intensity of the issues.
    There were days when me and my husband had an open spat and I said I would leave him and go if he wants to remain a mommas boy :)
    Well I am not saying you to turn out a rebel completely. Choose your battles wisely. But one advice any fight dont prolong it for long with DH.
     
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  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I have done the same mistake - when I was newly married, i silently heard all of MIL's taunt about me and yet continued to serve them with a smile. So she just became worse and worse towards me- crossed all limits every time- more and more. She turned into a very abusive person over time due to my silence and niceness. That is one of my biggest regrets.
     
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  10. preeti6years

    preeti6years Bronze IL'ite

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    That is why I said in my previous post, earlier days of marriage are DILs worst days incase if they are staying with hinlaws. My MIL never lost an opportunity to taunt and shout at me. It did not stop there. Husband is of moulding material type, every walk of life she scrutinised my acts infront of him. He used to get upset for simplest of the things with me. On a week he used to give me silent treatment for atleast 3-4 days. I gave the benefit of doubt on this matter. But no, I overheard she talking about me infinite number of times. The moment I step out of the house she used to start.
    BIL on the other hand, supported his mom at this stage and portrayed me as a bad DIL infront of my husband even though he knew that what was happening is wrong.
    But when it came to him, even before getting married his told his wife that his mom did not behave well with me.
    Look at the hypocrisy and selfishness here.
    That is why even now wheneven I get chance I bash husband on these points
     
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