Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Oct 26, 2020.
Thanks @DDream and @Caughtinbetween
One major thing has been bothering me always, I.e when it's a joint family , everyone needs to do work right...if DIL does certain chores, the MIL and FIL can do certain chores appropriate for their age and contribute to household...
How can they expect DIL to do everything herself, I.e cooking, cleaning, housework, childcare, everything...
If they want to be free and not for work, they should opt to stay separately and enjoy retired life and have full freedom to spend their day as they like..
If they opt to stay in joint family they should also pitch in and do work so its shared and DIL isn't burdened...then when they are much older like 80 plus , they will get all support needed when they are very weak...
Is it so tough for an MIL to just prepare a simple lunch , very simple lunch without much effort and for an FIL to cut few vegetables one time for sabji and maybe they can wash a few utensils that are used in morning if possiblse? All other chores like tiffin, dinner preparation , washing of utensils, house cleaning, laundry ,can be taken care of easily by DIL with some help if DH also pitches in...
They dont want to do even simplest of chores that they can do ....what about people whose children are abroad settled.. they manage household chores and personal errands themselves. These people just want a Kaamwaali..
No point in talking about whats right and wrong...they started expecting things instead of appreciating. So stop doing their personal things until they ask for help. Do whatever you can based your time and energy. Have you ever told to your dh, what you gave written here. Dont you think that you spolied them by doing everything for them even when you were in pain. If they say you are not a good dil, tell them, you can whatever you want,its your choice. This is what I can do.
Even if you do everything perfect they blame you,so why don't you stop doing things...and ask for help, in a polite way.
Give the message through your actions, that if they complain they will not get full service. No talk,only actions. Ignore everything else. Develop think skin. Anyway do whatever you think is right.
Yes @DDream you’re right...
Seriously Ive been experiencing a lot of depression and frustration, I get some hope and confidence when people understand my problem and reply here.
I can’t imagine stuck in a space with PILs for a pandemic where you can’t even step outside. No wonder you are feeling the way you are.
That’s exactly how they want you to feel, unfortunately. That’s the point of the relentless bullying. Even pretending it isn’t affecting you though you are seething can have the necessary impact. Like CIB said, take baby steps. Pretend that it’s nothing and not impactful. Tell yourself that you are doing a great job and don’t let someone else dictate how well you are keeping your house. Slowly, two things can happen. First of all, they will start noticing that it isn’t having the desired effect on you and hopefully will back away. Most importantly, it will genuinely stop impacting you. It’s going to take a lot of work but it’s worth it.
Also do spend time for yourself in your room for 30 mins. It’ll refresh you. Hang in there.
I had been there in your place for 10 long years. I know the pain, frustration, everything... I don’t want to revisit all those things, but let me tell you, they are not going to understand it themselves, they don’t even have an idea about how tired you get doing all the things by yourself and to be at everyone’s beck and call all the day. There is no magic going to happen here. You need to openly communicate with them. Tell them you are tired and cannot manage it all. You need to tell them what you feel in a civilized way. Include your husband too. If you are tired and your health and mind are suffering, that’s the signal your body is giving you to slow down. If your in-laws are good and love their son, they need to consider his wife too. Just tell them you are struggling and you will appreciate some help.
But there are some people who think now that they have DIL let her take care of everything. Why should we still work hard and struggle? We have done enough in this life!! Let’s relax from now on and start giving orders to DIL.
On the other hand there are many inlaws who contribute something or the other inspite of having health issues as they cannot see their DIL struggling alone.
So your option is either ask them to help or if not you need to do only the bare minimum for survival. Only then they will understand.
Start pretending that you are so sick that can’t even cook simple food or even do other household chores. Only then they will realise your value.
Thanks @Laks09 @deepthyanoop @shravs3