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Very Stressed-always Complaining In Laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Oct 26, 2020.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    My in laws are staying here online since beginning of this year..and it’s been very depressing due to Covid, I.e no domestic helpers, cannot go out, can’t order outside food, cant do essential errands, increased workload, no privacy etc..
    But off late since many months I have been facing a some major health related issues..
    It was pretty bad and i have been in lot of pain, I’ve been managing with some medications..
    But meds have their own side effects and my efficiency has reduced..
    But no one cares about me..
    Just they all want to complain that I don’t do any work...
    In every few months itself I’ve been having body aches due to health issues and increased work load...so started cutting down on some tasks for my health and peace of mind..
    If i take even little help from DH I get sarcastic remarks from MIL about how She used to do all work herself and never asked her husband for any help..
    Even the days but I was in pain I never got any rest..
    But if my MIL even complains of a small ache or pain, Immediately my DH and FIL rush to console and help her...
    They want to stay here and expect me to do all work and full Seva for them, even in pain, while they enjoy..even smaller chores they don’t want to do...
    My relationship with My DH is getting spoilt since they’re here...he just doesn’t care about me or our toddler, he cares only about them.
    WHen they arent here he is different, he isn’t that insensitive..
    I hate my In laws so much ...to the extremes...
    I was in so much pain some days back and I said that I will do particular work the next day and not that day...my MIL gave a big lecture how she started doing full work within one month of her delivery, full cleaning of house, cooking, washing clothes, everything on her own and never asked FIL for any assistance...and how she has done all work even when body was weak..and due to money issue they struggled and couldn’t arrange help...
    She always criticised me for being unemployed, but I m unable to go for job due to Covid only.
    She thinks she is very great and I’m useless...
    If she chose to suffer like that it’s her problem..in what way am I connected?
    Everytime she boasts about herself and puts me down...and my FIL just keeps quiet..he doesn’t have guts to say anything. Just wants to eat and sleep peacefully...
    I’m in so much irritation...having so much hatred of in laws...
    I’m having bad and negative thoughts and having ill feelings for them...
    This Covid situation has spoilt my life and made my situation so worst...
    I’m feeling so sad, depressed...
    I tried so many relaxation techniques, watching good movies, listening to good songs nothing isn’t helping me...
    I feel so envious when I see couples who don’t have in laws...either in laws are expired or do not stay with them at all...
    How do I control my irritation?
    They arent going to travel to their native place or anywhere else till Covid gets better in India..
    Later they want to settle here permanently..
    Feeling sad...
     
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    From past many months , there are s many fights..because of them my husband also has started thinking that I’m good for nothing and useless kind of person...feeling so depressed.
    They keep telling that in couple of years they ll be very old so they will sit in their room the whole day and sleep and I only should do full Seva for everyone..M
    MIL and FIL are the kind of people who don’t adjust to maids..
    Previously I had to let go of two maids because they caused problems .i managed to get a maid who was kinda of ok but due to Covid she left for her native..
    Now my in-laws feel i should be the future maid servant who will serve them fully.
    I hate them..
    Can anyone pls advice..
    I may not be able to reply on time...
     
  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    try to be strong.. many others are going through something similar.Just wait it out.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2020
    pinkydarling and Needtobestrong like this.
  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @Needtobestrong - First of all, I empathize with you. It’s not easy to do what you are doing amidst a lockdown. Tell yourself that you are doing a great job given the circumstances.
    Secondly, take things one day at a time. Don’t ruin your health today by thinking about PILs seva in the future. When they are that old and that dependent, hopefully you will have an upper hand in things like maids/helpers etc. I’ve noticed when people are finally dependent on the DIL they do tend to tone down a little. So don’t worry too much about the future.
    Thirdly, minimize discussions. I wouldn’t even say I’ll do this tomorrow in their presence. If it isn’t done and they ask you just say yes, I’ll do it and walk away. You are busy so you can add let me get the clothes or let me look at what’s on the stove and leave.
    Give yourself a lot of leeway. You are doing everything you can. Don’t take this burden of other people’s expectations on yourself. It’s so hard within a cooped up home to do this but every time this comes up, instead of reacting, just tell yourself that it is fodder for making you react but you are doing everything right.
    Take at least 30 mins for yourself. I know you were trying to work out but this pandemic has everything in pause mode. Maybe you can shut your bedroom door and do some Leslie Sansone YouTube walk videos. It will relieve some of the stress and will also help your fitness goals.

    This too shall pass. Remember one day at a time. Hang in there.
     
    Mistt and Needtobestrong like this.
  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Mil Irritating Me So Much
    Mil irritating me so much - A thread posted by you on sep 20th is still fresh in mind.
    :hello: I am pained to read but it reminded my mom when a senior lady (SL) come and rob her time telling ills about her DIL (Uma) & how mom with counter stories to make her feel gaged.

    SL: Uma is hopeless. Very lazy. Full of sloth & inertia. Inefficient and weak. For everything she needs help from Ganesh. When I was of her age I used to work eighteen hours a day and delivered half a dozen and few more expired. No machines of convenience. Two hours grinding for idli dosa and Vada too.

    Mom: YOU BORN UNDER LUCKY STARS. when you were of YOUR DIL’s age, you had good organic food. Unadulterated cow’s milk made available at your court yard morning & evening. Rice grown naturally without any chemical fertilisers. Food prepared in Slow heat nourishing and tasty. Naturally you were strong and learnt many healthy ways and methods from your nice mil. So stop comparing your period of those days with Uma. And if you want to vent about your DIL stop coming here. We have work to do .

    Few days later Uma Came home & casually said that she was worried as her MIL is behaving differently. She is no more irritating to her and also lend helping hand in domestic chores & even instructs Ganesh to help her in chopping vegetables and other chores. I just don’t know what changed her heart and she turned over a new leaf. I noticed she stopped visiting neighbours for gossiping.

    MOM: UMA yourMIL is you mom. Be kind. She is getting old. She is bit nervous. Do not worry what caused change in her.

    SO MY PRESCRIPTION IS hereuunder:
    Pursuance a senior lady in the neighbourhood and tell her to visit your home have friendly chat introduce to MIL and that lady should talk to your MIL like my mom did with UMA’s MIL. TWO THREE VISITS MIGHT BE NEEDED.

    Alternate above prescription with another:
    repeat doing things that irritates your MIL . Keep her things here and there haphazardly and tell her she is getting old - senility has set in- she is suffering from amnesia and so on. After few days it would lead to new normal.

    God bless us all.
     
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  6. preeti6years

    preeti6years Bronze IL'ite

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    @Needtobestrong ,
    By reading your post, I guess its been not more then 5-6 years of your marriage. Is that so? Because during this phase itself MILs boast about their so called hard working nature, extreme talent, hard working nature, struggles what not. At this point of time my only suggestion to you is going to be "Ignore her self boasting" and act deaf. This will not last long. As you mature in your marriage all these talks will fade out. Trust me.
    If husband is helping you voluntarily or upon asking, let him do. You ignore all the MIL comments.
    I have been in this situation in the early days of marriage. MIL boasting about herself and DH constant praises about his parents and bro and now even though we stay with ILs we are like two families under one roof.
    Its not only for responding, even for listening we will have to judge whether its worth or not.
    Keep practicing the art of being deaf and dumb wherever needed and see the magic getting unleashed
     
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  7. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks @nakshatra1 , @Laks09 ,@Thyagarajan ,@preeti6years for kind replies...
    Really needed some assurance, I was so upset yesterday...
    @Thyagarajan - Sir, your mother is indeed a very sensible person though of previous generation...will be so nice if all MILs are understanding, broad minded and sensible like her..
    Else most MILs just love to taunt, gossip about their DILs and put them down.
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, your post indicates that no one care about your health condition. Why should they care when you do everything and appears normal.. they will think that if you can do job, your pain may be not severe.

    So what you have to do. Announce that you are not welll. Tell MIL/dh, you can't cook or do anything else due to severe pain. Go to your room and lie down ( very important) and take rest... by lunch time make some soup or gruel or make minimum things for survival in case they dont do anything. Completely ignore any comments..have an attitude, this is what I can do, if you want more,do it yourself.

    If no one helps you, you have to help yourself. Also find metime everyday. Watch your favorites shows or read something that make you happy and relaxed. Do this every day before going to bed. Love yourself. Ask for help from your dh.( most of the time MILs pitch in when they find their beloved son do anything for DIL)

    They behave this way because they knew you will do everything for them even when you are weak . They are taking you for granted.. You have to change that..dont try for perfect DIL certificate. you will never get it from these people.. ignore as much as you can and if you want to convey anything do that in a ¹cool way..
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2020
  9. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Finest Post Winner

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    OP,you already got some of the best replies here ...nothing more that i can say that will add value but i only want to emphasize on what @ ddream mentioned above :


    believe me i still try to do this and fail every time but try again ...i hope i will learn this one day .
    its very hard to ignore what they say and trust me i understand but still do it every time .
    i cant compare your situation to mine as i dont live with them yet 24*7 . but still it will help to ignore what ever more they ask for beyond what you can do .just say ok ok... will do... hmm... yes and walk away at that moment . take baby steps with it and see for a few days. and try to communicate very briefly and to the point and as much as possible in front of your H only to avoid any issues .
     
  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:If one pretends suddenly gone stone deaf, imagine what good it can do to your health and others.
    It is bound to be beneficial.
     
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