1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Very Frustrated. Urgent help needed.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rosegirl, Mar 27, 2010.

  1. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,648
    Likes Received:
    554
    Trophy Points:
    233
    Gender:
    Female
    Rosegirl,

    Dont fight with your husband regarding these money matters. Instead of picking up a fight or saving money in a separate account, plan how much money you will need for your monthly expenses, keep that plus a little extra. The remaining amount, divert it to savings on the first of every month, like start a recurring deposit or any other scheme for which you MUST pay for the first of every month. You can also take it in your kids name. Tell him after you have given instructions to the bank or on the same day you have made the deposit, giving him a taste of his own medicine ;)

    When your husband asks about the money, tell him that the amount remaining in your salary is for household expenses and the savings are for both of your future or the kids future. Some people tend to become soft when you say the savings are for the kids but flare up if you say you are saving for the future :bonk

    That way, you will be able to save some money for the rainy day and you will feel more secure financially.

    -Lakshmi
     
  2. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    818
    Likes Received:
    23
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Rosegirl

    You need to separate your finances and have a separate account for yourself immediately. You cannot think too much about how you'd come across etc because the time for niceties and meekness are over. Make an arrangement where you both have a joint account for common expenses and separate personal accounts and mutually come to an agreement on how much each will contribute to the joint account every month and everything else left over is your discretionary income. You will also have to establish your stand that all financial matters, investments etc will be consulted with you before decisions are made. Also you need to get a list of things where your earnings have been invested so far and keep on top of it. Sorry if this comes across bold and aggressive to you, but sometimes in life you need to be both to establish your rights. That is my take on your issue..
     
  3. tictactoe

    tictactoe New IL'ite

    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    yes dear Rosegirl,

    I can understand your situation..very closely..
    First my hubby ended up making all the financial descisions without my knowledge and now we both are in deep debt trouble.
    On countless number of times we will sit and discuss though i have a seperate account my entire salary goes each mth for his debts.
    But if your hubby is spending for his mother's jewelery then you need to put your foot down.It is a petty reason to send home money.
    People back home always have this mentality that families living abroad have lots of money and they just keep asking their endless gift list.
    You need to take control of this .. cause if you let this happen .. its not going to end here. the demands are just going to increase for money..
    tictactoe
     
  4. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    592
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All
    Thanks for the responses.

    Here is the update :

    I told very firmly to my husband about how he is doing the same thing over and over again and this time I am just going to walk out and never regret it. He was shaken and stunned. So being the typical Indian male, he just refused to face the problem and didn't pick up calls from his parents during the weekend. he was scared that they will demand that he send rest of the money and also scared that if he gives them I will walk out. So he didn't have guts to go against my words nor did he have guts to say a strong NO to his parents.

    this spineless and coward attitude really puts me off. You know he even negotiated with me saying that he will give his mom the money and I can also get a jewelery set of the same value for myself. WHAT A FOOL.

    He has never gifted me anything for any of my birthday or anniversary and now to send money for his mom, he is asking me to get the most costly piece of jewelery, what double standard. :bonk :bonk :bonk

    MEN ????????????
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2010
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Rose

    I have to warn you...after couple of such threatening incidents from you, even he would get used to it and continue doing the same...reason..he would start treating tehse as empty threats.

    Best thing...now is the time, tell him he didnt understand the crux of the situation and what are you worried about. Also explain it to him as to what is the debt you guys are holding to satisfy parents. Let him know that you are not against he sending gifts/money to his parents/siblings but to what extent and how much he has question himself. Take a paper and pen, sit with him and ask him to honestly list out how much money was sent to India till date and how much money he borrowed and against each transaction list whether necessary or can be avoided...he would be able to see how much was necessary and how much can be avoided

    Tell him that you want to separate the accounts so that you can see some savings on your kids name and your name so that you dotn feel threatened about future where who knows one fine day you guys may endup paying debts and no one would come to your rescue as already your husband has this habit of borrowing money whenever he needs.

    He has to understand the issue is not about money, but its about making decisions together and also not going out of our way to satisfy some unnecessary demands. so time for INTERVENTION
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2010
  6. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    352
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Rose,
    I agree with vidya...although you won the battle but the war is still on..

    You have to separate your accounts no matter what.Take this as a wake up call.

    If you ever decide to contribute to him so it as a percentage if you earn less than him and a fixed amount if you earn more...

    Take care.
    FL
     
  7. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    592
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Srividya,
    I have called him so many times for a joint budget discussion. But he plainly refuses to open his Indian bank account and American banks accounts. He just verbally says I have xxx savings in BOA and xxx savings in ICICI and this much loan blah blah blah. Its like moving a mountain to actually make him transparent about finance. And if I ask the passwords to see myself, thats it. Its like I am treading dangerous waters here, arguments just fly left, right and center. His salary goes in his separate account and mine goes in the joint account (how crafty...) So I want to create a separate account and go from there.

    Foundlove
    I have not won the battle. He hasn't talked to his parents yet, so only after he talks, I will know whether he is going to send or not. He is only hiding from the problem. Tonight or tomorrow I will know if he is going to listen to his parents and snub me or realize the importance of wife and tell them a big NO.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    What crappy arrangement is this??? no wonder he knows he is doing wrong, but his EGO makes him go on with what he is doing!!!as this is how its been going on since the time you started working. so whose fault is it not to set right the game plan???

    Time for the wake up call. Separate accounts and start managing your finances. If he finds faults and argues about house hold help and expenses, then come to a common understanding on how to share expenses and that you would contribute only certain fixed amount but not give entire salary in the name of saving for IRAs etc.


    I totally understand if you ask him about what he is doing and how much money he is borrowing n spending...his EGO does get hurt totally . He doesnt trust you...so joint account...but you have to trust him...so its his independant account. Sorry doesnt sound convincing at all.
     
  9. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    692
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Start a separate account. This is the right time to tell him that you are not secured about your future, hence you need to save money for your kid. Tell him that you can contribute to the family expenses... let say 30-40% of your salary, and the rest goes to your personal bank.

    My DH too was adament and didn't want to share his personal banking details or passwords with me. He sends all his salary to his personal acc, and mine was going to the joint one lilke you. But one day, he transfered everything from that joint acc to his personal acc without even informing me. My saving was huge, and I was like:crazy that time.

    The next time when I met him, I told him casually like " hey, lets open a jont acc in your preferred bank and save all OUR money there. He said...hmmm... I don't think it is urgent, why can't we wait for sometime and open a new account. But I said.. Well, this XXX bank gives more interest rate, and I think we shoudn't lose this chance.. It was on the day prior to the X mas, hence there were some new yr add going on in the TV about that bank's new interest rate. I used that chance.

    I didn't fight, didn't cry, or argue over this. But calmly took him to the bank, made him sing for a new joint acc, and asked him to transfer all the money immediately. But he didn't do it on that day, but I didn't allow him to give me another stupid reason for not doing it either. So one fine day, he transfered all the money to our joint acc, and from that day, I have started monitoring each and every transaction of his (I wouldn't comment if the transaction was genuine).

    My DH is not a cunning person. Indeed he is very good at heart. But he is a coward, spinless/speachless fellow. He simply listens to whatever his dad decides.
    His dad has made him believe that I will take off all my money and spend them for unnecessary stuff or else I will donate my savings to my un married sister etc..etc...
    At the same time, he was told that I will not respect him if I have more savings than him..

    More over, my cunning FIL constantly asks financial help from my DH, and requested him to deposit 50 lkhs in his bank account before we start TTC. How cruel to demand like this...? because all the money was my hard earned salary from DARFUR (Terrible place to live). So my poor DH started sending money to his dad secretly without my knowledge...

    Having separate acc, and hiding bank details from spouse and all the nasty lessons were tought by my FIL only.

    But now after my arrival in India, I made it clear that how much our relationship and love was affected due to the influence of his dad. I told my DH that his dad will never live with him forever, nor take care of him if he ended up with empty hands. But it is his wife who will support and take care of him for the rest of his life. He already had a very bad experience with his dad, so I cited that example to make things clear to my poor DH.

    Now he understands... and act wisely as per my expectation. All what I needed was my physical presence to stop his dad's influence and stop my DH's brainless acts followed by his dad. Now we discuss the pros and conns of each and everything, and make a mutual decision.

    Please try to find the reason behind his actions. I think it could be your ILs, they are forcing him or brain washing him to act so.
    Try and find some evidence to prove your argument.

    Then try to sit your DH down on his "cool" days and calmly explain to him about everything. Do not argue or fight always, he may get used to it. You need some tactics to win your life:)
     
  10. mrinals

    mrinals New IL'ite

    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    dear rose girl,I can fully understand your mind. Some of my patients also facing this.Some parents still think that their sons are money making machines, and their wives have no rights in their lives.Some husbands even says that "parents ^ siblings are special,unique and anyone can be a wife".
    Have an open talk with him and open a separate account in your name.Just tell him to his face that your earnings,expenses also are important.
     

Share This Page