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Very Frustrated. Urgent help needed.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rosegirl, Mar 27, 2010.

  1. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi
    I am terribly frustrated and at the end of reason.Short recap - Married and have a kid. Working now for the past 2 years. Husband is very controlling, his mantra is - I will take all financial decisions and u have to just go with the flow. He has got property in India without me knowing, he has sent 1000 dollars for his parents which I didn't know, he has sent his parents to costly trips which i didn't know, he has got loans from his siblings which I didn't know, he has given loans to his siblings which i didn't know, he has helped a lot of his relatives which is didn't know. So pretty much he has this idea where, he can do anything and tell me after its done like some pity information. But me on the other hand should ask his permission to send 1 $ to my parents or spend on myself.

    We had a huge fight last year and almost went to separation and then he told he will discuss with me and then we can jointly decide. But last week his mom wanted a costly jewelery set, which honestly even we cant afford, for her birthday. My husband coolly told he will send the money for it without my knowledge and then told me 2 days ago that he is sending money for that. I was just FURIOUS AND FRUSTRATED.

    They have been calling everyday to check if the money is sent and here, we are having a huge argument over this.

    Now what should I do. What I want to do is, if he goes through with this I am going to open my own account and completely stop talking with his parents. I am so mad since this is happening for 6 years.His parents are exploiting his nature and causing so much tension in the marriage from day 1. This weekend I will know if he is going to send or not. I don't know what he is deciding to do. If he sends what should I do... ??????? Should just separate and go my way, I have no happiness or peace in my life. I feel like some slave in this marriage.

    he has built a big 4 bedroom home for them, sends money every month and got them car and other gifts.I never say anything. But when he sends things without telling even a 5$ amount looks gigantic to me and I fight tooth and nail.

    I just lost my peace of mind.
    HELP
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2010
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Rose

    One question....6 yrs of marriage and there are no assets or savings on your name and your kids name??? either jointly with your husband or separately on your kids name or your name??

    I agree, this time no point in trying to explain. Just separate the accounts, tell him you would share half of yoru salary for household expenses and rest of it you are going to put in savings on yours and your kids name and that you wont talk or ask any questions about what your hsuband is doing with his money or whatever loans he is making or to whom ever he sends money.

    He does sound very clever. He told you he will tell you before sending the money...so he just told you thats all....there is no point of discussion or making a decision together here!! which is supposed to happen.

    If he had already sent the money just let him know the above point...telling to spouse means discussion and coming to a common decision, this is not supposed to be an information this is supposed to be decision making together. As this major thing didnt happen this time also ..you dont see nay point in fighting or arguing with each other and that you are going to move forward with your decision of separate accounts. Am sure he is gonna throw super duper tantrums. but just hang on there...he would get your point. Pls do not yell/argue or fight. make your point neat and clea fair and firm. and work on it. No looking back
     
  3. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Rosegirl I just posted my thoughts on similar lines on one of the threads and I Saw your post about how you earn but cannot spend the money even 1$(http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/90102-hate-being-house-wife.html#post1130426)

    I dont know if this is exaggaration or you really dont have any liberty of spending?

    I know it seems your husband is controlling , a control freak,because he shares no information with you , he does things as he wants and never consults you, even if it involves your earned money, and he does not be nice to you.

    Even if you open a bank account and do things, rifts will increase , a controlling person wont turn a accomodating person the next day

    For that he has to realise your worth and if he would take care of you I am sure you would not have minded he doing what he is doing, at that point he sending money would not pinch you if you saw it was legitimate after your needs and interest are met too....

    Feeling of slavery is very common, you feel taken advantage of. You tried to warn him last year, it reached sepeartion point, then again it went back to same old... this is a trap...
     
  4. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot guys.
    Srividya,
    We have a home here in our names but all property in India are in his parents name.Nothing in kids name.I am going to do exactly what u said. No fuss, no muss just open a separate account and I am not even going to share household expenses since I cook, clean, raise my kid with zero help from him, so I am pretty much covered i feel.

    Tridev
    I have never got any help from him, I have never got a sweet word from him.If he has to be a good husband, I have to keep my mouth shut and agree to everything he does. Do you want me to be like this ?
    I am not exaggerating when I say I cant spend. He looks at my statement and asks why I spent 10 $ in walmart or why I spent 5 $ in subway and I have to have a valid answer. Or i get advice on how to save. But I have never seen his statement. he is sending online gifts to his cousins and I know all this after months through others.

    How insulting is this ?
     
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    That is wrong, he cannot do that, he should not do that, even if you were not earning, period. he is dominating and controlling, what to do? where do you go from here? no point even fighting with such people, it wont even lead to anywhere to make sense to them

     
  6. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Yeah i am going to go with separate account first and start to live like a roommate - aloof and distant. If he is not changing and repenting, just separate. I need to preserve my sanity, I'm obsessing about this 24/7. I just cant do anything with the whole thing idea of him insulting me like this in the background.

    Its like ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2010
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Point here is not about money....its about trust, its about sharing, its about making decisions together. When one spouse doesnt do it and expects from other its always like wanting to control the spouse. Finances are the BIGGEST thing that show the health of the marriage. Most of the time men want to control wives in this section as they feel woman are not capable of handling finances or would be emotional about it.

    I read some where WOMAN look at money as security...MEN look at money as POWER (i.e control)

    So its not to get back at him or its not to show tit for tat to him. Its just aobut being responsible to each other when one partner becomes irresponsbile and doesnt make the spouse equally active in financial decisions, that too when the spouse is equally earning, then time to show some tough play. thats the reason of this separate accounts. Now he has all his money he can send to his parents/friends/relatives/siblings/throw on streets and no one would even ask.but you got to keep your future safe and feel that financial security (its not that he wont ensure the financial security, its just that making our spouse equally involved would make it more secure than separating and taking individual decisions)
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2010
  8. Peperoncino

    Peperoncino New IL'ite

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    Where is Suze Orman when you need her?

    rosegirl,

    As you do do not know (or do you?) what your husband has been up to with regards to finances, I feel you need to cover all angles here. In addition to opening an account in your name ONLY, please consult lawyers on what your options are esp if he has got into debts i.e. will you be liable (I'm not familiar with California laws)? Also, if you do have joint accounts, make sure two signatories are required for any transactions; a pain in the arse but you really have no choice.

    Because you were agreeable/did not put your foot down in the beginning, you are being seen as a doormat right now. Why are you showing your statements when he is not doing likewise? Sorry but you need to be paranoid as far as finances are concerned, especially since his family, by your descriptions, seem to be treating him as some sort of a money machine.

    Should anything were to happen him, would you able to survive financially? Do you know where his assets are, under whose name it is, and how to access them? Can you run a credit report against his name to find out if he is credit worthy, is in debt etc?

    Finally, you seriously need to evaluate if the marriage is worth saving, especially if it is making you feel ill and worthless.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2010
  9. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Sounds like you have figured out the answer yourself.
     
  10. GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    It is very clear that his parents want to live a life of luxury, and use your DH as the funding source. If the money is for medical or family maintenance then it would have been considered as acceptable expenditure but looks like your IL’s want to get as much as possible from your DH. I think what SriVidhya told is a good idea and don’t just open an account, find different ways to invest your money, if you are not funding your retirement account (401 K or IRA) fully you should do that to get a tax break and then find some good investment and start investing. Does your DH have any siblings? If he does then you have to think about how you are going to protect your investment that he has made through his parents. BTW how much pension does his dad get in a month?
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2010

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