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Very Disturbed...early Baby And Inlaws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Dec 4, 2016.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    I'm silent reader of inlaws forum...I created account as I want some guidance n reassurance...
    Kindly Understand my problem ladies...
    I'm in joint family, married for few years.
    Faced lots of problems and misunderstandings with hubby n inlaws..due to generation gaps and different way of thinking, different point of views etc...
    I thought things were ok last year as they d settled somewhat n tried for baby while working...had lots of health issues n had to take many medicines n nutritional supplements then got good news...
    During pregnancy i had severe pains n doctor told me I had few medical issues n need to rest..I had followed..I resigned because my office wouldn't grant me long leave for medical purpose...they were kind of ok but were repeatedly forcing me to travel to different places during pregnancy...when I said I was unwell and in pain everyone said its normal, nothing will happen etc..forced me to travel long distance in advanced pregnancy.. 45 km for a ceremony..I told so many times that I'm unable to do so still they forced...
    My labour happened early due to medical issues early and due to infections so I delivered prematurely...struggled in hospital to bring baby home...doctor strictly told no visitors due to chance of infection...but now at 3+ months they are not following rules...inviting visitors everyday n letting them hold baby..there is function in native place next month n they're booking tickets n forcing me to travel...isn't anyone bothered about baby's health?
    Everywhere there is bad weather, rains etc...
    I'm not sharing medical details here...it's from relationship perspective..
    I'm dependant on inlaws now n staying in joint setup...because my parents r having health issues n personal commitments so im unable to go there ...
    If I say doctors instructions they criticise me n pass sarcastic remarks saying that I'm purposely doing to insult them,...my husband is not understanding me ...
    I'm having terrible mental stress
    1. Health of early premature baby...many health issues n frequent doctor visits..
    2.my guilt...maybe if I'd taken better care I'd have delivered little later safely...
    3. Unable to go for job but have lot of expenses.
    4. Feeling weak n having post delivery health issues..
    5. Inlaws not being sympathetic..forcing me to arrange big get together with 50 relatives at home...forcing to travel to different places with baby...
    6. Husband not understanding my problems..
    7. People dropping in at all odd times when I need to take rest..if I have sleepless night I need to catch up with sleep at other times right..
    If I say I need to take rest they criticise me saying that I'm making excuse not to do work or meet anyone ...
    I'm not sharing too many things because I cannot reveal my identity..feeling upset..anyone faced this situAction...how did u deal
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2016
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  2. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,

    You have to be very strong & firm, its about your baby's health, so you don't have to care about any one/their sarcastic comments.

    Don't feel guilty about whatever happened. Past is past, now concentrate on your health & your baby's health.

    Tell your in laws & husband that you are not going to do any travel or going to entertain any guests until your baby becomes fit & healthy.

    For now, just concentrate on your health & baby's health.
     
    Needtobestrong and yellowmango like this.
  3. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,


    you seem to be physically and mentally drained . Chill, it's not the end of the world. Money you will make someday , work you will join back someday . Be in the present moment . if they r forcing you to attend or organise functions, don't argue say yes and then pretend to be ill or faint that day. It will serve as a good lesson . Don't let anyone effect you much.
     
  4. dnormx01

    dnormx01 Gold IL'ite

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    1 and 4 : Need immediate attention. Please concentrate on both of you healing first.

    2: The baby is out and fine. Health issues are there, but it's a minor thing when compared to having your kid in your arms. What are you feeling guilty for? is there any basis? Let it go. Bygones are bygones. Whatever has happened cannot be changed, so why bother now? concentrate on the future. And you are mom now, you should be beaming with pride not sulking in guilt, come on, cheer up!.

    3: I read your other thread where you are trying to hone your skills, it's good, study during this break and you will get a good job when it's time. Expenses, every newborn household has. Don't worry too much about that.It's the last thing you should think of at this stage of your life.

    5: Look at it this way. You live in a joint family and they seem not to understand what you are going through. How about in the future? you think they will help you with the upbringing of the kid? It means you are to manage both your kid and your work yourself, so days ahead are going to be really hectic, both physically and emotionally. So gear up for it. Get brave, draw your boundaries and be firm. Learn to say no and say stop.

    6: Does your husband accompany you on your doctor visits? If not, take him along. Let him understand the gravity of the situation from the doctor.And please tell your husband the baby was not born through thin air, it's his kid too and he is equally responsible. Even if your in laws and husband make a hue and cry, start giving your husband little tasks, like arranging the washed baby clothes, holding the baby when you are off to bathe, entertaining the baby with his toys etc. Involve him NOW!

    7: With newborns sleep is always a luxury, whether people are there or not. Those who manage the kid alone cannot sleep coz they need to keep constant vigil, and those who have loads of people around cannot sleep coz there's always someone calling on them. It's just a phase and you will get over it soon. Relaxing doesn't mean sleeping only, try lying down and stretching whenever you get time, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

    Finally, your in laws are inconsiderate and husband is giving you a deaf ear, then why are you bothered if they criticise you? When they do not understand what a new mom goes through, why are you worried about their words and taunts? If they say you are making excuses, say , "thanks for understanding, please excuse me now". Like I already mentioned, you need to draw your boundaries and set things coz this is what your future will depend on. If you give in now, they will forever not understand you. Yes, today they will call you names, but tomorrow when you and your kid get better and you join work, this standing up for yourself only will boost your confidence.

    Congratulations and remember to look at the little one, the first thing in the morning and smile. The whole day will go great for you. Cheers :)
     
    sindmani, Needtobestrong and NeetaR like this.
  5. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    put your foot down. If it feels insulting to them, it is their problem.

    have you spoken to your H? how is the communication between you two? Joint family does not mean you and H don't get to be husband and wife.

    Communicate! Tell him, it is his child too and he should be worried about his child's health. People will come and go, it is only you, him and especially your child who will suffer for the rest of your lives. Gently bring to his attention - you had said you had pain even while pregnancy, but they insisted and your child was born prematurely with health issues. Ask him if he want to experiment more with his child's health.

    Talk! I have realized one thing over the years - problems are created when there is a lack of communication between Husband and Wife and too much communication between H and his family. You are a MOTHER now. Stand up.
     
    Needtobestrong and NeetaR like this.
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP...If someone from outside came to hurt you or your baby ,will you worry about their feelings or your manners.
    I bet you will become Durga and fight them.

    Your husband and in laws need to be told,enough is enough .
    Put your foot down and let them all go to hell.

    I usually don't believe in blaming people for ill health of children,but in this case ...it looks like these people need to be made guilty.May be that will get them to behave.

    Tell them all ,you had a premature delivery because of their inconsideration and lack of concern for the baby .
    Tell them clearly...you will not take your child any where till the doctor feels the child is doing well enough.Tell them clearly to back off and as the mother ,you get to decide what is best for the child.


    That inconsiderate excuse of a husband and father should not have any say if he doesn't give a **** about your health and he child's welfare.Such guys should not have a right to procreate.
     
  7. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    ignore their sarcastic comment, develop a thick skin. When they force you for travel, just tell them politely but firmly that you feel you are in no condition to go and you have decided that you will stay at home and take rest, it will be good for baby too....They will pressurize you, criticize you, nag you, give you sarcastic comment, but you have to remain patience and keep on saying one thing-- nothing like that, you are thinking wrong, its just i am in no condition to go. Later on sulking can follow....you have to ignore that for sake of your baby and you.
    people dropping in at any time is not what you can control while living in joint set up, so adjust with that.
    For big get together, let them arrange, you just do minimal , let them criticize and sulk. What else can be done with such people except giving no importance to their views.
     
    Moonlight89 and Needtobestrong like this.
  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Duplicate post
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2016
  9. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks all for replying..I'm unable to reply individually to each comment but at least I'm relieved that there are a few people who understand my feelings.
    I m getting more and more motivated to be bold and stand up for myself and my kid.
    I had totally lost confidence in myself in the past many months.
    I'm trying to regain my confidence, and will read this thread again n again during difficult situations.
     
    dnormx01 likes this.
  10. curiousgals78

    curiousgals78 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Needtobestrong,
    please do not hesitate to say no when they are after travel . your babys and urs health is more important. just give a deaf ear. best thing would be whoever talks like this get like your mother in law or your husband take them with you to the doctor. talk to the dr to explain to them the medical issues the baby is in. even for a normal baby we dont keep exposing them to things until 3 months atleast. if they think you are bad let them think. dont give a damn to these people.t hey are not worth it. when i was going through delivery pains and couldnt stand my mil simply said. this is nothing. we went through a lot. thats it. she trained my hubby to say animals also concieve and deliver. nothing big deal about it. even though i was in joint noone cared. i dont care about them now. i used to attend to my baby needs and sleep when i could. i cared the least least about them. didnt do anything for them nor my husband. let them deal with it. just stick to taking care of your baby. dont let infections come into your baby. then it will be only your responsibility. they dont care. somehow the inlaws are designed to be deaf ear to daughter in law needs. not all but we have got the rare gems.
    please take care of yourself and your baby and keep it as the first priority.
    God bless you and the little angel.
     
    Needtobestrong likes this.

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