Verbal abuse and problems in marriage

Abuse verbally and/or physically is bad. Period.

Don't stand there and watch when your kids are going through this. There is no justification whatsoever. From your posts (this is a huge thread.. so just read few pages) my conclusion is your daughter is deprived of love. Stating sentences like , " we bought your these clothes, we can do whatever" kind is just heartbreaking. Why adopt and torture her like this? Not to mention the poor baby.. slapping and shouting at him.. You know.. at this age, a kid's brain is like sponge. It absorbs so much that's happening around, dont set bad examples.

If your wife is not taking step to treat herself, then it shows how irresponsible she is. Period. Give her an ultimatum and she can do what she wants.

All I can say is, its better to have a broken family than a rotten one.

 

Hi Tridev,

It seems to me that you also need to get help. You might be slipping into depression and perpetuating the negativity. In most of your posts you seem to be brooding over what your wife said and did. You are replaying the incidents over and over again. That's how we slip into depression and sometimes even end up with post traumatic stress disorder. I have gone through all this stuff and am done with it.

When my marriage went through rough spots this was my strategy - Try out all options before calling it quits. It looks like you guys have not tried out a lot of options. The next thing is focus on yourself and what you can do rather then on the spouse. Some of the comments that your wife told your son don't seem too serious to me like when she got irritated with him at the restaurant. Lot of moms do lose their cool like that but they don't mean anything. But a few others like slapping you son because he had a pee accident seems extreme. I am wondering if she is just stressed parenting 24*7.

How do you handle parenting issues? Lot of couples disagree on parenting styles. Probably if you criticize her directly she might not like it but if you get her a book or show her an article about an alternative approach she might understand. That is how my husband and I approach parenting. Potty training a child like that is the total wrong way. I am not completely sure whether she has no affection towards your daughter or whether her nature is causing her to be like this. Does your wife meet with other parents with children of your son's age. That helps quite a bit. Your daughter might be more perceptive. When your wife is not around try to assuage her fears by telling her that your wife does not mean what she says and you and your wife love her very much. Basically try to reassure her and reaffirm your love for her. That's very important for children. She may start feeling insecure.

If you do feel she is abusing your children, how the heck did you leave the kids and go to a hotel for 4-5 days. This would have only aggravated the situation. I think both of you are playing the same drama of pretending to leave. Have you ruled out any medical issues? When my husband's thyroid issue was out of control he would get angry over the simplest of issues. He would not understand the pain I was going through during my postpartum phase. On the surface it seemed like a personality issue but in reality there was a serious medical issue. Lot of medical issues manifest as personality disorders.

I know in a marriage respect and love are very important. But sometimes people don't treat us the way we would like them to treat us. Our loved ones let us down and hurt us. But its these hard situations in life that are our best teachers. They are strong catalysts for change. This is what I have learned from my life. I cannot always control the behavior of other people but by working on myself I can change learn not to react each time but to respond. Its work in progress.

Regards,
Kavya.

 

tridev,
1. it is rude to reply to ria2006 saying as you do not understand so will not say reason for adopting daughter. This is a volunteer-based forum, everybody on this thread is contributing their opinions and advice to you for free so that you can benefit - nobody is getting paid for writing here, so since you have come here seeking a solution, it is upto you to take the advice of the people here, but the least you can do is be respectful and open-minded of other ppl's effforts.
2. Physical abuse is bad, period. there can be no justification to it. However for those of us who have been brought up in India beating of kids by parents was very normal(specially our generation 20's and 30's ppl) - if your wife was brought in india with parents who beat her as a kid to discipline her she probably thinks it is normal parenting behaviour and doing the same to her kid. In fact i remember a thread here where a lady said she wants to go back to live in India as she cant beat her kids in US to make them listen to her(this was 1 of the reasons she listed for going back to India!). Dont give the reason that you were beaten as a kid too but you are now such a saint, tell(not explain/shout/lecture/fight) wife that beating kids is wrong, it will have serious consequences in the US.
3. Anger problem of your wife - good that wife is going to get counselling, this is a positive step.
4. Please get some counselling for yourself too, reading your threads you have done some mistakes too(allowing your mom to interfere too much in daughter's parenting by you and your wife, your mom calling up wife's relatives and complaining, you listening to what your mom said abt wife going to colleague's party etc.). Counselling for yourself will help you deal with your feelings of victimhood, will help you understand that over-involvement of family of origin of either spouse is not healthy for a marriage, will help you with unified parenting(by you and wife together) of your kids hopefully.
5. Recognize that counselling and healing will take time, 8 years of hurt and anger and tension and worry on your part/wife's part/daughter's part is not going to go away in 2 days. If after 3-6 months of counselling you feel wife is never going to change for the better, abuse and anger issues will always remain, please separate/divorce and live a healthier life for everybody in your family.

 

Hello,
Its a very long, miserable thread. It looks as if everyone in the family is tormented. I am not sure about who is right/wrong here and anyways marriage disputes should not be settled by analyzing who is to be blamed.

Just a few inputs.

1. Does your wife cook regularly and well for the family? A person in depression won't even feel like doing that.

2. Does you wife teach your daughter and help her in studies? If she does that then its good as kids need it to face competition. Tell us one thing, since you are breadwinner, your wife has taken care of your daughter's studies. Did you have any problems w.r.t school? Her grades, teachers' feedback etc? If there were none and her grades are satisfactory, I feel you should think more kindly of your wife.

3. How does your daughter behave with your son? what kind of relationship do they share? Its very important to know that.

4. You said the adoption was mutual, so that decision is not one of the cause and can be put in the past now . It seems that your wife treats both kids in the same way, so we know that she is not being partial towards your son. take it as a positive thing.

5. I feel concentrate more on your daughter's studies, future. Have you and your wife thought about her future? I feel that you are wasting most precious years of life.

6. What does your daughter like? Does she attend any hobby classes,what are her hobbies?

7. I feel that you are already experiencing the worst period of life and have already reached the bottom. So now try to improve it by bits and pieces for you and for your wife too. Every morning and after dinner go for 30 min. walk with your wife and donot talk about family matters then. It helps to talk about other things.

 

Tridev...

Why not start looking ahead than worrying about what had happened in the past. Why not you make that change in you, RIGHT NOW. Good that you are working with a counselor.. those hours can be used to vent out whatever bad is and had happened.. after than not a single thought about it.. but about your future, your kids future... ok?

I agree that why you adopted might be irrelevant.. not after 14 years anyway.. Also, let's not divert to personal arguments here.... there is much bigger problem here for you ...

 

may be i don't have alot of patience...but you sure are no different.
If somebody tells you anything whch you don't want to hear....you become agressive.
I am shocked with the reply you gave to Ria.with your rude behaviour we are not losing anything but you are showing your negative attitude.Your marriage is already in mess just because of your attitude.
I have never seen anyone talking so rudely to the people in this forum especially when people who are replying are cool and calm.
You can simply pacify the arguements just by not replying to the posts you don't like.But you choose to reply and talk to them rudely and kind of insult them.
I can see your wife has a lot of patience that she is living with you since 8 years.
This is very natural when you point fingers at anybody then rest 3 fingers point at you also.If you say my wife is like this like that....people will ask you also..why she bacame like that.Also it takes both hands to clap.
Also most of the marriages are surviving because at least one of the partner is compromising,flexible and know how to pacify the arguements and handle the situation.In your case you both are like that.You started pointing at us also.
And please don't bother to reply.You have already spoiled my evening.Better to keep away.