Verbal abuse and problems in marriage

I am posting this in two sections, basically trying to cover most of the things I want to discuss, it may be long but required to give a fair idea.

I have been married for 8 years now, have a adoped daughter of 14 years and a son of 2 years, when we adopted my daughter she was 8 years old and i had discussed the need to adopt my brother daughter and she had understood it and accepted it , and we formally adopted her in 2003 or so. My daughter was raised by my mother till her age 8 , then we lived all together for some years and i moved to US and my daughter joined us . However relations have always being strained between my wife and daughter, she never treated her well, she does not talk to her nicely, she does not show a loving and caring nature , my wife feels that she is disobedient and she is not a nice child, everything is a issue between them, most of the time their converstaion ends up in argument,

Because of this my relations with my wife has also been too strained, there are other reasons too for our strained relations, main being my wife is very angry and abusive and aggressive when she is angry, even other wise she is controlling type, when she is calm she is ok, but most of the time we feel she is controlling and i also feel dominated in relationship to great extent,

we have reached a point where we both are talkign of seperation, while I keep telling her to try and work out, I am also seeing a counselor but she is not trying, everytime i ask her what do you want? we cannot live in such unhealthy relation , she says she wants to go , she does not try to patch up, she is not communicating properly also, she does not invole her family much or friends and talk the problem or even approach counselor, she had got panic attack and i had to take her to hopsital for depression, after which docs said she should see someone outside, i tried making appointment for her , but she did not go,

as of today she is angry,upset , not happy in relationship and is not trying to do things to change, she feels I am trying to make her change to something she can never become, I told her many times to be nice and compassionate towards daughter, she does not do that, she is mostly angry, abusive in talks if there is arguments

Otherwise she is nice to others, she loves kids, she love pets, she is compassionate to less fortunate in society, she has a heart but that somehow is not seen in her relations at home.


The other day she told my daughter to take old clothes and we would donate them which she is not using, my daughter did not like that idea she said no I do not want to do that, my wife said that "we bought you those clothes so we would chose what to do", these statements made my daughter very sad and she started crying, I then lost my cool and scolded both of them why the hell everything is a issue,

In my consellig I could find out that my wife probably does not like our adopted daughter, but it also came out that the daughter is not the issue in our relationship

The only big issue with my wife is she does not let thigns go and is angry, abusive and also aggresive, not that i do not tell her anything , in anger I too tell her i do not want to live with her , and she takes it very strongly and even when i apologise and say if you stop behaving certain way I would not say that , she does not understand

Our relation is almost over, I need some help to know what to do?

On verbal abuse my wife is administering on everyone in anger:

I am caught in a situation I cannot understand easily myself , my wife and I have been having issues and I have been concerned more about her bouts of anger and verbal abuse to kids and to others around in family, not that I dont tell her anything, but her bouts of anger , frustration and verbal abuse to kids is a concern and I am worried as "Am I sleeping on this". She is not seeing a counselor nor telling me that she wishes, she is stay at home mom and does not work, she intends but cannot find one as the economy is bad. The issue I face is she telling my 2 year old, that she would beat him blue one day. I asked her what she meant, she did not reply, I said a person may think and then do one day , she said if that was the case then lot of people would have done a lot in this world just by thinking, but the fact is she cannot control her speech in anger. she would say things that my boy would not at all understand, but people around my wife, like for e.g me would feel more hurt and afraid. yesterday we were at a local restaurant and my son was very difficult to manage, he was wanting the glass of water which was filled and wanted to play with straw, my wife said to him she would hit him on his head and break the glass on his head, this was all verbal, my son hardly understands what she tells, I confronted my wife then and there what do you mean? she did not reply. I said I do not like such statements and it distrubs me, she feels she takes care of the baby 24*7 so she is stressed, but I have seen she telling things in anger to our 14 year adoped daughter to me to my mother etc, and she blames that my mother too abuses her. Today I said I am talking of our family now, your verbal abuse to our son and our family, that is cause of concern, Also if she says things like that in front of me what would she be doing at my back when she is by herself and the baby, I am very concerned....about future...

She does love the baby, takes good care of him too, but when angry talks with him in hurtful manner or threatens him. That is what confuses me a lot, is it a personality issue or something else?

I was reading online from long time on verbal abuse, who is a abuser who is a victim, for e.g . if I confront my wife about her inappropriate statement , anger or behavior , she would listen but not say anything, then when I ask again she would show as if I am pestering her and would shout in anger, move out of site for some time or abuse angrily , basically wanting me to shut up and not talk about anything that hurt me in her behavior , whether its towards kids or me or my family, she feels I keep pestering her with old issues, issues I want to change in her like anger, but she does not help her or seek help from others as well, basically she is in her own shell . she would in anger say hurtful things about everyone in my family and also blame me for everything she has gone through in life . if I tell her something, she would raise her voice , look very very angry and also I get scared she may become violent....If I try to have a converstaion in which I try to accuse her of some misbehavior or how she talks or behaves or what my expectations are, then she would burst in anger, like last night I had a discussion with her that I feel we cannot go along like this , if we are not changing , she barged out of room saying I constantly tell her all that thing, then in morning she complained that my son was misbehaving and then I asked her why did you not stop him or ask him to stop instead of complaing that he was misbehaving with her, she said yeah its my fault that I allow him to do this and that, so its barrage of issues, to talk to her is one, to negotiate a reasonable thing is other, moreover she is not mending her old ways of getting angry, not seeking psychological help and accusing me of being most unhappy and depressed person in world.....the list is endless , but my problems are not endless..

we both are locked in horrible verbal conflict with her anger reaching limits at time, There is no way we can resolve issues ourself now and she is not even feeling we should go for counseling, all she says is she is fed up.

she said that choose whether our 2 year old son will live with me or you, but whoever he lives with the other person will not see him or visit him ever in life, i said to her you are a cruel person , how can you even say that, irrespective with whom our son stays, I said then ok he would stay with me and you get out, she got very angry and on top of her voice said shut up and started abusing me , then she tried to show as if she is leaving our son with me and moving out of our apartment and this despite I asking her not to go at least for the baby, she did not listen, packed a bag, left all her cr cards, phone everything, explained me some things and said good bye to the baby, I was alone with baby for hours, feeding him, taking him for stroll while she was gone. And she had done that just to show her anger, she was at our downstairs apartment whose keys we hold and she wanted me to believe she is gone, she kept coming to our place with some execuse, then the baby would see her and ask for her and then she would again say bye, then I asked her why are you doing this to the baby, why are you not leaving , then she said that it is me who should leave and she has no options and she would not let the baby live with me. she was again very very angry and abusive...

I am very concened for her anger and she did tell me if I want take my son with me and leave the house(this is the house I pay rent and I am the breadwinner) then when I said ok I will do that she says, we will see in court how you take our son and all that, basically asking me to do things but then also stopping me and trying to yell. I can hardly understand what she wants in life...Our son is such a cute baby and I feel bad he is witnessing all this bull **** going on between parents, all this fights , words of rage, anger from my wife and then in return I abuse her, but i always maintain a decent pitch and she shouts and calls all nasty names to me and my family.

Basically she is passive-aggresive personality and its becoming tough....with her temper and hurtful ways.....

I am not staying at home from some days, and now she wants me to get back home , she is little less aggresive as of now , as she knows I have taken a stand...but my fear is how will this end, how will we develop a good relationship of love and happiness

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My friend, all that I have done, she is not good in communicating feelings and what she has plans to rectify her behavior, (this is typical of a abuser) , regarding movies, I have shown her Rajesh Khanna movie, Thodi si bewafai and she also saw Jeetendra's Swarg Nark, both movies revolve on attitudes of women, I told her that women make and break families, men can do anything but time in memorial women have been having making familes, if women decide they can break home in one minute....

Counseling she does not want to go , nor does she talks to me , I am seeing a counselor but she does not want to see him. I said ok , go to someone you want to, but like I said, she may be doing or looking but she does not communicate... well. at least emotional aspects.

I told her yesterday, you can quit the marriage or this relationship and my family too, but you will soon be surronded by people who would be accusing you of your verbal abuse....then she said I am not quitting,

 

my son is from my wife,and daughter is adopted. its tough, her family is almost same as her, how would they see things ....

 

Thanks for your thoughts

 

As of now we are in very difficult situation, when she is calm, i am upset, and when i am calm she is upset, its a horrible cycle. Right now , there is so much hurt, hatred, due to negative elements in our relations as well as personalities, that no one can think clearly through. I love the baby and fear losing him, as of now we are not at all leading a healthy and happy life style, we have everything but no peace

Also i have been waiting for a long time, my wife has issues with our daughter, she is not getting along well, she hardly shows love and affection towards her, that causes lot of rifts between us too, if i tell her something she says I am trying to change her, but i rather wanting her to be reasonable, also the way she tells thing looks like order, if someone does object, she gets mad and say , ok do as you like, and will show resentment, she hardly smiles, laughs at home, and tells me I am depressed .but in friends she behaves normally , will laugh, joke etc, but I am same at home or outside...

However, thanks for your suggestion its nice to know , I will try doing that if I get a chance..