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Venting Out

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Hana2018, Aug 26, 2020.

  1. Hana2018

    Hana2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    Today mil called and while talking she told me to think again to have a baby, she tried to convince me again saying now you feel you don’t need but down the line after 10 or 20 years when everyone having their own family you feel lonely, sad, you need someone to take care of you when you are old.

    My answer was we have decided not to have a baby. I don’t want to have child to support me during my old age, if I really feel like I want to have a kid then me n dh will adopt one. I was dumbfounded to her response to me. She said don’t know how the adopted child genes will be , what kind of genes, don’t know what kind of parents that child had and their mentality, behaviours and that bad genes will continue in our family. I was so angry so angry. I just wanted to tell her that shame on you and your thinking bitch. But I couldn’t. All I said was no one is perfect. Bad behaviours comes from the upbringing, careless parents/guardians not from genes, do you think you me are perfect we have the very ugly mind , behaviour. But still she wasn’t ready to listen to me and kept on telling same thing.

    I don’t know how could someone think so cheap that all the kids who are growing out there in orphanages are bad.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Her thinking about kids in orphanages is about as cheap as your calling her a *itch in your mind.

    If you have the ability to take a decision to remain child-free and are confident about it, you will also know how to deal with queries. For one, you would not bring up a topic like adoption which when discussed with a child-free decision is plainly contentious.

    I would suggest using a simpler response like, "Hmmm.. let me check with your son again about that and get back to you. When would be a good time to reach you?"
     
  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Are you angry with your MIL for many other things which caused this mental outburst on her? Coz using/thinking this "B" word on someone is basically coz underneath you have other hidden anger elements against her..but anyways.

    Your MIL is from another generation and she could be having a narrow minded thinking about orphan kids.She is wrong but she is talking out of ignorance and again the closed mind.Try explaining it to her.

    Anyways..apart from your MIL there are going to be many people who will poke their nose in your personal issue and you need to be determined in your decision and cut it short.

    As a parent..especially a mother and infact any mother will want her kid to become a parent in the future.It is coming out of anguish.try to empathize.

    Next time your MIL asks..tell her bluntly "We have decided.So let us not discuss about this topic anymore"
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  4. deeprapriya

    deeprapriya Gold IL'ite

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    Op,

    Your MIL has all the rights to ask you for a baby....She wouldn't have imagined her son living without kids..

    Her idea about orphanage kids are as old as she is..Just ignore...
     
    senorita2019 likes this.
  5. netflx

    netflx Gold IL'ite

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    Honestly, calling or thinking of her as a b.tch, You seem to be as bad , if not worse, than your MIL @Hana2018
     
    lavani likes this.
  6. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    agreed not good to publicly shame their own relations by calling them as b...tch and expecting support from strangers to be okay with that.

    also what is old thinking now, was the norm when they were growing up. one can be assertive in saying no.
     
  7. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    I’m so sorry that she is trying to force the idea of having a baby on you when clearly that’s not what you want right now. I can totally understand your frustration and also use of the B word. A lot of the current generation express their frustration this way and I think the older generation are like omg what bad language. My MIL actually casually used the b word on me like she was calling me darling or something in front of my husband and I was so shocked. Obviously he couldn’t say anything.

    anyways you’re right she has no right to tell you when or when not to have a baby. That is between you and your husband. Ignore her about the adoption comment because a lot of desi people have these views whereas in the west it would be seen as a good deed. Next time she says about kids, just to stop her giving you more views, just say yeah we will try or yes we are trying and change the topic. Don’t give her anymore words so that she ignites the conversation. Don’t discuss with hubby either because it will backfire.
     
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  8. netflx

    netflx Gold IL'ite

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    Honestly, this is such a weak excuse to condone the use of abusive language. Pls dont.
     
  9. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    While your mil has no right to dictate if you should have kids or not, the desire to have your own children/grand children is in-built in the average human nature. Much as irritating as she sounds, nature and nurture plays part in who you are. So no point in denying that. A child might have faults and features of the biological parents. So when adopting, one needs to be aware of that and accept the child as ones own no matter what. May be, she just wants you both to make informed decisions.

    One solution would be for your husband, yourself to sit with her and inform her why you feel this way and why you have taken these decisions. You don't owe it to them. But it might give peace to you and her.
     
    hridhaya likes this.
  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello:The rider is, there are numerous cases of autism and other deformities to kids born to healthy couples.

    With the kind of synthetic life that couples live & experience in modern world and with diverse medicines and their after effects not only to them but to their progenies, there seems to be no point on harping on the possibility of bad genes mixing up with good genes.

    Thalidomide
    Thalidomide babies... - Google Search

    Limbs can fail to develop properly, in some cases also eyes, ears and internal organs. No-one knows how many miscarriages the drug caused, but it's estimated that, in Germany alone, 10,000 babies were born affected by Thalidomide. Many were too damaged to survive for long. Today, fewer than 3,000 are still alive.
    For more read link above. This pertains to news in year 2010-11.

    The other part of the discussion is about decision of the couple to produce and have or not to produce:

    In a case where boy’s dad had paralysis of of left side hand & leg. The son after wedding believes that like his dad he and kids if produced would be vulnerable or prone to paralysis and so decides with spouse not to have. Spouse agreed to go with his decision could be because it was love marriage - not arranged matching horoscopes.

    In somewhat similar case boy’s dad had already been bed ridden with paralysis but boy and his wife had no qualms of progenies born defective. They produced boy and girl and now they too married produced their own kids. All are healthy. All behaves quite normal. Girl with her baby daughter born recently in CA and hubby are now quite settled. The couples son is a nephrology married to her love - a doctor psychiatrist both are prod parents of perfect kids.

    Now that you have been provided with considered views and ammunition to stockpile and therefore it is up to you pick up the thread - would you prefer diplomatic response to MIL or and take up a cudgel.


    Thanks and Regards.
    GOD - DESIGNS PERFECT BUT - IN HASTE - HUMANS INTERVENE!
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2020

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