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Venting out!! How should I deal with my interfering in laws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by indiangurl, Jun 26, 2012.

  1. indiangurl

    indiangurl New IL'ite

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    Hello dear,

    Thanks for your response and being able to understand my situation. Very few girls are able to empathise with the situation.

    To reply to your queries, I might try the following:

    Listen to all her suggestions, you might even agree sweetly to incorporate her suggestions but do what you find is right. Crux is listen to everyone but do what ur heart tells you. You need not offend anyone in the process. If getting in a fix of having to implement the suggestion there and then, I would do either of the following:

    i) Listen to her and do as she suggests - doesnt hurt to follow them once in a while

    ii) Tell her politely your point of view and then do what you think is right

    In all this situation, I feel, there are two crucial things:

    i) Are her visits temporary? If yes, I would just play along for the time that she is there, but as you say that she would be coming to live with you eventually, therefore, it is important to draw boundaries and set expectations from the beginning.

    ii) Your husband's role in the whole situation. Who does he end up supporting or identifying with. Or does he like to stay neutral and wants you two women to sort out your matters between urself. If it is indifferent, I think its fine to put forward your point with the MIL. At times, that might lead to arguments but it helps in defining boundaries. If you husband sides with ur MIL, it can be very frustrating - patience and sweetness should be the key. Try to avoid situations where you two get into conflicts. Try to avoid any arguments in front of hubby. One thing I did in a similar situation (when my ILs came to live with me for some time permanently) was to get a cook. That way's I still had control of the kitchen as I would be instructing the cook and not leave much scope for MIL meddling in the kitchen. But then her visit was short and she doesnt really like cooking so stays out of the kitchen as much as possible. I am not sure if this would work with women who love to cook all day long.
    If your husband sides with you, you are a lucky gal :) But try not to test his patience. You already have the comfort of knowing that he is with you so that gives you a lot of strength to bear the MIL.

    Hope I have helped. All these are my views and as you can see from my situation, I am not an expert on relations. So not sure how sound and practical my suggestions are but that's my two bits.
     
  2. indiangurl

    indiangurl New IL'ite

    Messages:
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    Likes Received:
    2
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    Gender:
    Female
    Hello dear,

    Thanks for your response and being able to understand my situation. Very few girls are able to empathise with the situation.

    To reply to your queries, I might try the following:

    Listen to all her suggestions, you might even agree sweetly to incorporate her suggestions but do what you find is right. Crux is listen to everyone but do what ur heart tells you. You need not offend anyone in the process. If getting in a fix of having to implement the suggestion there and then, I would do either of the following:

    i) Listen to her and do as she suggests - doesnt hurt to follow them once in a while

    ii) Tell her politely your point of view and then do what you think is right

    In all this situation, I feel, there are two crucial things:

    i) Are her visits temporary? If yes, I would just play along for the time that she is there, but as you say that she would be coming to live with you eventually, therefore, it is important to draw boundaries and set expectations from the beginning.

    ii) Your husband's role in the whole situation. Who does he end up supporting or identifying with. Or does he like to stay neutral and wants you two women to sort out your matters between urself. If it is indifferent, I think its fine to put forward your point with the MIL. At times, that might lead to arguments but it helps in defining boundaries. If you husband sides with ur MIL, it can be very frustrating - patience and sweetness should be the key. Try to avoid situations where you two get into conflicts. Try to avoid any arguments in front of hubby. One thing I did in a similar situation (when my ILs came to live with me for some time permanently) was to get a cook. That way's I still had control of the kitchen as I would be instructing the cook and not leave much scope for MIL meddling in the kitchen. But then her visit was short and she doesnt really like cooking so stays out of the kitchen as much as possible. I am not sure if this would work with women who love to cook all day long.
    If your husband sides with you, you are a lucky gal :) But try not to test his patience. You already have the comfort of knowing that he is with you so that gives you a lot of strength to bear the MIL.

    Hope I have helped. All these are my views and as you can see from my situation, I am not an expert on relations. So not sure how sound and practical my suggestions are but that's my two bits.


    One mistake of mine that I realized today is that I end up doing many things for my in-laws which I other wise would not want to do, for example seeing them on weekends, going to their place on all functions/festivals, visit relatives which they ask us to, giving gifts to their friends, etc. etc. While it is important to these things for ILs, it is also important to sugar coat and package this nicely. I would do all of these things but still not come across as a good, loving caring DIL. Some other girl with the right use of words can make herself look good without doing any of these.

    As far as my situation is concerned, it has improved considerably (thank God!). I don't really know what is the reason but we got to a really really really low point. It was the lowest point of life and things got so bad that everyone (including my in-laws, my parents, hubby and I) thought it best to not demand too much from each other and give our best shot.

    I do follow a few things though:

    Do not complain about in-laws to hubby - tho my reasons to complain have gone down significantly compared to earlier. Whatever incidents are there now, I either ignore or talk about them with a friend

    I meet them regularly at a pace decided by my husband. However, DH understands now that too often becomes too much for me so we see them once in 2-3 weeks.

    Regularly interacting with the family (I don't do enough of this but I think it helps immensely) - It keeps the hubby happy and releases pressure of him as he feels that his wife has good rapport with his parents and family. You get into his good books as he sees you genuinely trying. Whenever, I talk to DH's family genuinely (not a time paas conversation), his love multiplies instantly

    Other things which have impacted our current status:

    We had a chat with one of hubby's aunt and uncle (mama mami) and they tried explaining to my hubby, how things change after marriage, how the spouse becomes the focus, etc. - i think validation of these things from close family has some impact

    My husband and in-laws also met an astrologer and palmist who said that some planetary combination of my husband was not good currently and therefore causing all the domestic trouble. He recommended wearing some stone which my husband has been following. I am not 100% sure about these things and I was more or less a non-believer, but things have improved significantly after he started wearing the recommended stone
     

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