Venting out!! How should I deal with my interfering in laws?

Jmusic,

I am happy for you that your husband was understanding. In my case, knowing our different needs before marriage, I tried to arrive at a compromise with my husband regarding living in a joint setup. I suggested things such as living close enough but not under the same roof, we living on one floor and they on a different floor so that we have separate households and close enough to reach out at a moment's notice. I also suggested that we can live on our own for couple of years and then the in-laws can join in as that would give us time to bond. I was afraid that us living in a joint setup right from the start would not let us form a strong bond. Knowing my in-laws I anticipated conflict and did not want that to impact our relation in our initial stages. But none of this was acceptable to my then BF. He was adamant that it has to be a joint setup or no marriage. This is what had hurt me the most. The complete inflexibility on his part. I was ready to leave behind everything in the world for him and he was not ready to take a single step forward. Is marriage begun with such sort of coercion? After a lot of discussions, I conceded living in a joint family. I imagined it cannot be all that bad and my husband's behavior had also improved somewhat. It was a different case that eventually in-laws did not begin living together immediately as it would too hectic for them to commute to work 2 hours away. they thought of joining in a couple of years time when they retired.

 

It was the same with me. After moving out of that house, ILs started guilt trapping my husband that what should we do with the house now, should we sell it? It had been 15 days since we moved out of that place. Is selling the house prime concern of my FIL just 15 days after we moved out or is it a way to make my husband feel guilty? My husband told them that he does not want any part of their property. So they can do whatever they like with it. Till date nothing has happened. No selling, no renting. And we maintain relations with his parents. My husband is paying out the loan on a car that he gifted to his father. And then tell him he has nothing to do with the property. Anyways property is of least concern. It is the relations that are important.

I can understand you wanting to spend alone time with hubby in India. I have friends in China and they tell me that it can get very boring. It is just much more easier to relate to everything back in India and feel at home and reminisce the old days with hubby. Totally get the bit about college days. Thats the problem, they dont stop you from doing anything, but then some subtle comment will come which will give you insight into what they really think and feel. In my case, my in-laws would come over every weekend and tell us " you continue with your plans, we do not have any problem". Well then why have they come when they are not even going to be seeing us? Just to prove that they are so good that they are not interfering with our plans. If they really think that we are busy with something then stay at home and meet us the next weekend. Wudnt it make you uncomfortable that you are doing some work of your own and u have guests who are sitting at home and you might hardly see them. If you feel like eating out, whatever in-laws might say that they are fine, who is rude enough to eat out when they have in-laws who are visiting them. And then when we would go to do some work, they would bring my BIL's GF home who's their darling. I dunno maybe just to show that she has time for them and we do not. I can understand that they must be wanting to meet their son and DIL but weekends are the only time we got to wind up our chores and spend some time with each other. Could they have had some patience and restricted their visit to alternate weekends and not make us feel bad for living our lives and enjoying some time off? Even if you go to watch a movie, you are thinking that you have left parents back at home who are on a short visit.

I think this every weekend thing was the biggest thing that led me to lose my cool. I do not know how this could have been handled better. Hubby and me had agreed that we would maintain alternate weekend frequency with parents but it is hard to communicate this to parents especially when they want to see you every weekend. I feel my hubby could have politely declined on seeing them every weekend saying that we were busy or something. But instead, he showed his frustration to his parents that I do not like them visiting us every weekend. The entire onus fell on me. Even if it was reasonable I was uncomfortable telling my in-laws that this weekend was not a good time. There was one weekend when hubby and me were planning to go out on a short trip. We had so much activity on the past few weekends that I was really exhausted and hence said that I would prefer to stay home and do nothing. In-laws had just left after spending about 10 days with us. So I thought they also wudnt come. However, they came friday evening and left sat morning, only to tell us that we can come and visit them on the weekend. Husband in spite of knowing that we had cancelled a trip to be at home did not decline. And I did not have enough guts to decline as there was already a lot of tension in the past some weeks. We ended up not going as we got caught with some work. But husband got so restless that we visited them tuesday night (reached their at 10:30pm) after work only to come back on Wed morn. I do not understand why were we obliged to visit them when they had just spent more than a week with us.

 

Same thing happens with me when I go to their place. Extremely boring. Only activity is watch TV, that too saas bahu serials and laughter club serials or gossip about relatives. It is the same food every single time I went. No interest in home decoration, any other interest which a woman has. Not that I expect to have an intellectually stimulating conversation with my in-laws. Even my mother is very simple. But then she does other things which keeps things interesting. She makes so many different things. Has so many other interests. MIL has no interest but sitting and watching TV and chatting and laugh over lame jokes and pamper her sons. I feel like clawing at my throat. I got so bored there that every time I went, I did not forget to take a book to read with me.

 

Vaidehi,

Thanks for your reply. Both of us knew before marriage our different nature. I got into this marriage because I loved him and thought that everyone some or the other problem with in-laws. I should not leave the man I love because of this reason. Certainly, I never imagined that things would deteriorate to such level else I would have never married. Also, because of the constant fighting, I am not clouded anymore by the feelings of love which stopped me from thinking rationally.

Having said that, DH has a problem with being too independent. He tells me when I knew all this why did I get married to him. He is not ready to accept my independence. Before marriage, I asked him things if he would ensure my privacy and space in a join setup. So he asked in what manner. I told I would not like his mother to go through our cupboards or make our bed. And he was adamant that he cannot ask his mother not to do all this as she has done this all her life. While my in-laws are understanding enough to respect my space to some extent, DH has no concept of privacy. In the beginning, my ILs avoided using our toilet, and DH got concerned that why are they uncomfortable using our toilet. Such is the behavior which has led me to resent his parents so badly. The truth is he is much worse than his parents. His parents are far more sensible.

Now after moving out of their house, he does not want me to maintain any ties with them any longer. He has been going to his parents place consecutively for the last two weekends and does not take me. Once his parents had come to our city for some work and he met them outside our home and in spite of their asking refused them from coming to our place. I had in fact made certain preparations because they would be coming to our place for the first time and we would meet after such a long time. My husband likes to stay on extremes. Either he wants a Rajshree productions playing out in real life or he wants to be completely aloof. I dont know how can I make him understand. And slowly I am also turning indifferent towards him. I tried for a long time with love, patience and care but to no avail. He is turning worse by the day and started sleeping in a separate room.