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Venting out!! How should I deal with my interfering in laws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by indiangurl, Jun 26, 2012.

  1. indiangurl

    indiangurl New IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    Here is my long story. It is a really long post as I have tried to capture frustration built through more than a year.

    I had been dating with my hubby for more than three years and we have been married for about six months. We both work in the same city and his parents live about 2 hours drive from here. My husband is very close to his family and especially his mother. He had her pic as his profile pic on different accounts, on his desktop, mobile, etc. At this age, usually guys are flaunting pics of their girl friends. Before our marriage, there were usually issues over time management, if he should spend his weekends with me or go home to his parents (before he met me, he visited his parents every weekend). His mother realizing the conflict used to ask both of us to visit their place together, which is good but I wanted to some alone time with my then boyfriend, plus I did not feel all that comfortable going to their place. Hubby's parents attitude towards parenting also bothered me. They did not want to send their sons too far off to study and wanted to keep them in close enough proximity to be visited every weekend. MIL revels in the fact that her sons cannot move a finger without her, one of whom is 21 and other 27. :bonk All this is in contrast to me carrying on most of my responsibilities on my own. In hindsight I feel, these things worked together to make me feel resentful for her and made me feel that I would always be second best to her in my man's life. :rant

    My husband always had the vision of joint family and his parents were planning to get a house constructed in the city (a metropolitan) where we both are working so that we could all live together. But all the past background with them made me resist the idea of joint family. I could not imagine living with them and always competing for my husband's love and attention and see him being babied around.

    As we explored the idea of getting married, the question of joint family became the deciding question for us. My husband said multiple times that he can think of marrying me only if I am game to live in a joint family and that too happily - not in a compromise sort of a way. I loved him too much and agreed to this (you might say that this was my wrong step but what's done is done). The fact that he constantly chose his parents over me further filled me with anger and dislike for his parents.:drowning

    A bit of background of my in-laws: They want to earn the image of liberal and progressive in-laws. However, following incidents show that its more of an external ploy to build up that image and be in every body's and especially my husband's good books:
    1) They do not have any objections to the way I dress - I already dress sensibly so doesnt make much of a difference plus they should try obliging a village or tier-2 city girl with this kind of a concession.

    2) They do not expect me to cook - My MIL does not like cooking herself and its usually my FIL who does the cooking so its not really large hearted of her plus I love cooking and can cook really well

    3) They also said that they will not push us to live with them in a joint family but it would be great if we live with them. They are getting a house built in the same city in which we work - so eventually we are the villains if we refuse to stay with them.

    4) My husband and I are from different states so different cultures. When our marriage preps began, inlaws were acting cool, that they do not bother much about customs. My parents are more particular about customs/culture and they were very upfront about this. Towards the end we were facing issues related to clash of cultural practices. I felt if it mattered so much to them why did they not set expectations right from the beginning instead of trying to pose goodie goodie.

    5) There was another incident of culture mismatch where we were supposed to visit our homes: as per hubby's culture we should have gone to hubby's family whereas as per my traditions, we should have gone to my parents. Again, his parents tried to act cool saying that it did not matter much to them that where we decide to go and left the final decision to us. However, when we finally decided to visit my parents, my in laws were sulking and tried to make my husband feel guilty for this decision leading to fight between us.

    Like this there have been numerous incidents where they have tried to act cool but actually are not cool about it. I find this to be passive aggressive behavior and would appreciate if they were more upfront with their demands rather than always trying to make others realise how good in laws they are.

    Due to all this plus many other incidents and the sachcharine sweet and tactful behavior of my MIL, my husband believes from all her heart that his parents (esp. mom) are so good and caring and liberal and it makes him feel that I do not have any valid grounds to dislike them and all the problem is from my side. Knowing this nature of theirs, I was also threatened as I realised that I would always turn out to be the baddie. They had instilled in my husband that will fight tooth and nail to maintain peace in a joint family and pose no restrictions on their daughter in law so that she would never have any valid reasons to deny living in a joint family.

    After marriage my in laws were uber excited in beginning our new life - It was always the 4 of us doing something, whether it was shopping for new home, setting/arranging things in the new house. At least that's what I wanted but I managed to push back on (even though ended up feeling like a villain and in the bad books of my hubby). I bought few things on my own. MIL had already gone ahead to buy stuff for us while we were on our honeymoon, stuff which I would have liked to explore and buy myself. Not agreeing to or pushing back on any such plans made me feel like a villain and bad daughter in law who does not want to mingle with her in laws. I did push back and husband supported me even though he could not fully empathise with how I was feeling.

    We were living in the newly constructed house (which is owned by my in laws) and it was a semi joint setup where his parents would come over weekends or 2-3 times during the week for short spells. They are always trying to treat us like babies – my husband doesn’t mind it as that is the way he has been treated all his life. They brought us an AC. Even though my husband paid for it, we had no role in choosing it. My FIL would came to the house in our absence and would replace the LPG cylinder (he got the cylinder from a 2 hour drive) saying that how would you manage if it were to finish all of a sudden - I had been living independently for 3 years and had been managing so far. One morning when I woke up, I found that he had washed our clothes in the washing machine. I was not comfortable with him washing my clothes at all - with machine or hands. And considering my husband's laundary was my responsibility now, I would not have appreciated him washing his clothes either but it exasperated me beyond limits that he washed mine without even asking me. And this was after he had asked me on multiple occasions earlier if he could wash my clothes (before we got the washing machine) and I had always said no very clearly. They had their own notions of liberal in laws and stuck to them without wondering if it was helping me or if I needed what they were doing. As i mentioned I like cooking and usually had plans about what I would cook. Whenever they would come, they either get something cooked from home, and told me that what I had cooked can be had in a later meal. Or they would start cooking in the kitchen on their own while I was busy with my office work, completely disrupting my cooking plans. They would get perishables like milk, curd and veggies in huge quantities without checking with my current stock and then it would become my headache to manage things that were rotting in my refrigerator. I felt all the more frustrated because to most people (my own mother) this felt like they were trying to be nice and helpful and share the household chores. However, I felt completely ticked off because I felt extremely angry (maybe it was my personal space being intruded which may be due the build up negative feelings inside me for them).

    Apart from this, there was also the expectation that we see them every weekend, either we go there or they come here – again pushing back on any such plan made me feel like a villain. First 3 months of are marriage had passed and we had not been able to spend a single weekend just the two of us. Since the meeting was never welcome and mostly forced, I was sullen on meeting them most of the times which further aggravated the whole problem as no one felt satisfied after the meeting

    During all this time, my husband has supported me in a manner, he asked his parents to not behave in a way which irked me for some of the cases that I have mentioned above. He stood by me so that I should not feel that he did not stand up for me but, however, he cannot really empathise with me - in the sense that he does not feel angry over these same issues. So while he has ensured that he fulfills the duty of a good husband, at a sub-concious level , more or less he finds the blame with me and feels his mother / parents to be victims.

    One day we had a major fight when his parents were here and after that incident, they realised that there coming was disturbing us and reduced their frequency but did it in very in the face manner. One Friday they came home after work and left on Sat morning which shows that they are trying not to distrub our life. My husband got upset that his parents cannot even visit us freely. Slowly they really reduced their frequency of visits and made it very obvious telling my husband that they only wanted us to be happy, thus guilt trapping my husband. Eventually, my husband decided that we should move out of this house, as his parents are not able to visit there own home freely because of us. We have moved to a separate household. My husband set up an unsaid norm that neither set of parents should interfere in our life or visit us too much in this new house. Now my husband is moving towards depression as he has almost broken ties with parents, work @ office is also getting impacted. I want things to normalize (his and my parents to visit us) but he doesn’t wish to talk to any body and has isolated himself. This was certainly not what I asked for. I was frustrated because of their interference and trying to treat us like children, however, did not want to break all ties with them

    With this situation, I have three questions:

    1) How should I get my husband to start feeling normal again? - he is dejected right now. I really feel for him as he has been caught up in this tug of war between me and his parents so far and he is emotional hence significantly impacted.

    2) How should I deal with my in - laws. Am I over reacting or with all the history is it normal to feel this way?

    3) I cannot communicate most of these issues to my husband as he cannot hear a word of criticism against his parents (esp. mom). We get into very bitter fights whenever I have tried to discuss this with him. I feel really frustrated because of not being able to voice my feelings with him and make him see my perspective. He really sees them in an angelic light and me as a stubborn, strong headed, independent daughter in law who has not been able to get along with her in-laws. I am so scared of discussing things with him for the fear of him exploding with anger that I do not even present hard evidence to him which will show my in-laws' dual-facedness. Is there any way I can make him see the true picture. Or should I just ignore it and never discuss with him and vent out these frustrations some place else?

    I know this has been really long and thank you for your patience to read this through. Look forward to your suggestions and responses.
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2012
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  2. Priya4oct

    Priya4oct Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Indiangurl,

    Why you are overeracting..you should feel happy that you have got such a nice P-I-Ls.I feel you are insecure/don't want to share your husband with your I-Ls. I agree with some of the points like your F-I-L washed your clothes and you didn't felt good. I would suggest you to keep your clothe separatly instead of complaining.
    Also, if your M-I-L bousght some thing for you take it use it. I agree you must have planned to get some thing else of your own choice but think about them . Them must have spent time to get all things (also they must have felt very happy while buying those items)
    I believe these are small compromises which make our life happy. Regarding reduction of your p-i-l to your home visit, they must have felt some thing bad that's y they reduced. It's kind of all their dream (staying with son) has broken out.
    I am giving you my example - I have 2 S-I-Ls (bhabhi), my elder bhabhi is so nice where me and parents feel free to visit because she take care of all things about our like/unlike (i am married for 5 years now) . we feel that home like our home , even whenever I visit mu home own I visit her place instead of my Mom, as she stays l'll bit far. And my Mom also visit to her that at same time till the time i am there. My younger bhabhi. she also stays nearby but we try to avoid to visit her place. Reason is what you mentioned as your in-laws interference.Me and my parents never feel that as our home. Though my brother knows these all thing and tried to explain her wife also without any luck I alsio follow same thing what my elder bhabhi followed , so that whenever my I-Ls visit they should not feel awkward. Belive me I have more restriction when my i-ls are with me (like waering Saree, bangle, bindi, preparing food from their choices etc, I am working), but I follow it. Because I know if they are happy, my husband will be happy and I too.
     
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  3. Tanujam30

    Tanujam30 Silver IL'ite

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    Your problem is you see everything only from your point of view. You really need to start broaden your view and put yourself in others shoes to understand where they are coming from.

    Why not simply take things as they are instead of looking for motives? If they do not oblect to your dressing style, dont want you to cook, be happy, why take it as they are being pretentious? They are not pushing you to live in a joint family..Your DH was more than upfront abt it to you...they will be happy to live with you, that is a fact, it makes them happy...should they not express their feelings to son because their DIL will feel guilty?? You feel guilty or "villian" because your DH had in all sincerity discussed this with you before marriage, at which time you agreed to it but dont want to keep the promise. Your In-laws are not making you feel guilty.

    You seem to misconstrue practically everything your in-laws do..They bought you a cylinder so they treat you like a child ???seriously? If you are concerned about your privacy (which is fair enough I would hate for someone to wash my clothes), then protect it yourself in a joint home system. Keep your laundry in your own closet until you wash them. Why make a issue of such non-issues? So they cooked in their own home, while you were not around? It is their house, if they feel like cooking/eating, they dont need to check with you...would you want to be in a space where you have to check with your MIL before cooking everytime?

    Your problem is you never wanted to stay in a JF, now that you have to (because of your own doing), you want to find fault with EVERYthing they do, so that you can convince yourself (and your DH??).From what you have mentioned your In-laws do not sound unreasonable.

    You asked how to handle in-laws. I would say, maybe try with love & compassion? Try to remember they are still your DH's parents? Their happiness & wellbeing is important to your DH? If you live with them, dont forget it is their house too. If you dont live with them make a plan to visit them every alternate weekend, so the couple has alone time while the husband has family time too. However much you want to your In-laws are not going to go poof.
     
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  4. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't know what exactly are your issues. The only prob was your file washing your clothes which your hubby could have resolved. As far as weekends go you can alternate b/w spending time with in laws and with each other or with your family. Rest of them are minor issues. For now you can call your in laws regularly to your place. Maybe you could organize some dinners and get together so that you get to know each other and understand each other. Over time things could become normal. You know my hubby even after all that his mom and sister have done ( the worst has been questioning my relation with fil:-(...)would not do even 1% of what your husband is doing. So try to mingle with his family.

    You know when we are newly married we yearn for space. Even I never got space in a joint family and my relation with my in laws deteriorated to such an extent that today I only talk to them on festivals and b'days. They are so unreasonable and insecure. My parents have gotten used to living without me and really don't want to handle my mess. So it is a very lonely me. You have relatively decent in laws...try to be friendly. Get involved. You might just enjoy. Take care.
     
  5. sashacurios

    sashacurios Silver IL'ite

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    Without even an actual problem things hav reached to a very uncomfortable level... all i can say is most of the things are mainly due to your possessiveness... You are actually jealous of your Dh being more attached to his parents(which is very common, al most all newly wed feel the same) but that doesn't make it right! the fact is he's very nice man brought up by a very good mother,that's why he's treating you the way he's supposed to treat you...actually you should be thankful to her for bringing up a very good guy... As per my personal opinion and view i never try to stop my MIL from pampering her son, coz he is her son... she can pamper him... isnt it great that they do the same to you too?? 'why to try dig out their hidden motive when youc an enjoy the lil happiness that wont last forever!! just like you have your right over him,she also hav their rights over him... with marriage you Dh never stopped being their son but only started being your DH too... Only trouble i found in you post is that you cannot spend any alone time... you guys could go out even if they are present at home... now since they understood the troubles and moved away... i think the best way to mend things is by going over to their place and spending some time with them and try to let them understand that you guys miss them... again another personal opinion and advice is try to keep the relations especially with parents( of both) intact and good for a happy, peaceful and prosperous life...
     
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  6. aniShekar

    aniShekar Platinum IL'ite

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    I would suggest you mend matters as soon as possible....you've already noticed your husband slipping into depression, and that's not a good sign at all.

    IMO, it's not possible to wish your husband's parents away without hurting your husband. He might play by your ideas, but he'll harbor the resentment for good.

    So now things are relatively easy - you are not in a joint family; PILs don't land up unexpectedly; you have your own space.

    Others have done their bit of compromising. Why not try compromising yourself now, as the other posters have suggested? Simply let past ill-feelings go, and start afresh within the current damily dynamics! A little adjusting would go a long way...
     
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  7. GodIsOne

    GodIsOne Gold IL'ite

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    You are so lucky! I am absolutely jealous!
    Can I swap mine with your in-laws?
     
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  8. veeramachaneni

    veeramachaneni Platinum IL'ite

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    you are over posessive.
     
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  9. mommybird

    mommybird Gold IL'ite

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    You, my dear girl, to put it mildly cheated your husband in this marriage.

    You already formed prejudiced opinions about your ILs even before your marriage. So, whatever they do is wrong as you see them with your rose tinted glasses. His ideals and yours dont match. You are not for attachment parenting, but you loved your husband who is a product of one. He had specified his requirements of a joint family to you. You knew very well you hate this setup and still agreed to the condition because you loved him and did not want to let go of him. You must have thought that you can change him after marriage and make him accept to your demands.

    I see that you are wrong in so many levels here.

    1. Wanting a nuclear set up is not wrong. When you knew clearly it wont work for you you went ahead with it thus framing your husband in this marriage.

    2. If you had agreed for the joint setup and your ILs had been abusive, I understand you wanting to move out. Its not the case here. You had decided even before marriage that you will ensure what you wants from your husband after marrying him.

    3. You obviously want to be centre of attention of your husband. Nothing wrong. Then you should have married someone with similar values. When you marry someone and attempt to change him and cut his roots off, depression will happen.

    I pity your husband immensely. You had stated that you would have appreciated if your ILs have been straight forward about their likes and dislikes instead of acting cool about it. So, what did you do here? Were you straight forward? Didn't you act cool about the joint fanily set up?

    Marriage is a gamble and in your case, looks like you have a keeper. Dont screw it up and let him wilt away because of your attitude. If you really want to set this right, apologise to your Ils, have a truthful discussion with them and tell them you misunderstood them all along and bring them home to their Son. This is the only way to bring happiness in his life.
     
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  10. skmeera

    skmeera Silver IL'ite

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    girl, I tell you , you are blessed ....I have seen quite a few of replies who say that they are jealous and I am too...You are independent and all that but, your PIL' s have a heart of gold . Put away all your apprehensions and look at them neutrally ...Your house will indeed turn into a heaven...With them at your side you can achieve so many...in your career, bringing up your kids etc....And they dont even stay with you ...only once in a while na?...Your hus also seems to be a good one....There are so many guys who support their parents for all their bad doings...I dont want to compare but I couldn't steer away...Mend you relationship with them .Speak out to your hus....
     
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