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Venting Out Feeling Very Low

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Giri12, Jun 19, 2021.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry you have to go thru so much emotionally draining times.
    1. Pls focus on yourself 15 min walk would bring difference.
    2. Keep minimal talk with inlaws - food is here , did you take medicine kind of question, yes or no type answers.
    3. Cook 2 times, breakfast lunch together and dinner late in evening
    4. Ask husband to hire maid for cleaning, washing.
    5. Use 30 min daily to study.
    6. Try for jobs, in my lows my job was the only motivating factor for me. The money you earn gives immense confidence to face challenges.
    7. Take up any hobby, sing dance anything.
    8. Prioritize yourself over others.
    Indian women tend to Prioritize kids, husband , parents over themselves. Not worth it, self care is always .
    9. Go to a professional therapist. Don't hesitate.
    10. Pursue treatments for child when your mentally strong. God can see how good hearted person you are.
    I understand the feeling when you see your sister & sis-in-law get pampered while you work like a horse. When they visit don't over do anything keep the talk to minimal
    Your sister type are few people no matter whatever you do they will complain, no amount of gratitude will ever reflect.
    So ignore them, keep them as surfacial relationship. You want to have a great family like but reality is different.
    Pls move away from them mentally.
     
    SCA, Thyagarajan and Giri12 like this.
  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    @Giri12 this thread brought tears to me. You have been a dear buddy to me in this forum and it pains to read a dear friend go through tough times. My infertility struggle has left a scar in me which would never go away. I have been there and I can so relate to what you have written. I don't know where to start from but I want to write a lot. You may not feel comfortable reading it all at once but my reply is going to be long.
    I will write whatever comes to my mind.

    Dealing Infertility: Don't give up on the treatment yet. Take a break of few months but bounce back like a fighter. Unless the doctor says it directly to you or writes in a prescription that you have exhausted all the options available in the medical field ,"Do not give up". I don't know how far you are in your treatment and what exactly is the issue you or your husband have but for everything the beautiful medical field has a solution. Trust your doctor, trust science . It will not leave you. Hang in there and keep exploring options. Yes there is a decision you have to make " When to stop my treatment " and accept childlessness. That decision should be based on
    1) When your doctor says "nothing else is available in the medical field and you have exhausted all options"
    2) you get an acceptance that yes I'm ready to be without a child for the next 40 45 years.
    Its very clear from your post neither point 1 nor point 2 is achieved. You want to give up because you are exhausted fighting this battle. I hear you here and trust me it's very difficult to get up and fight back but you got this. I would suggest consult not one but multiple doctors and take their opinion why you have not been getting success. I will share my story : I failed multiple times. Either the embryos didn't implant or I ended up in miscarriage. I had one last average grade embryo left in the clinic which was my second home for more than 5 years. I left going to that clinic n meeting that doctor. Before I got success I had consulted 7 doctors (each of these were experts in Fertility treatment ) . Appointment with each would last for about 5-10 mins but to meet the experts I would wait anywhere from 4-6 hrs in the clinic/hospital . I wouldn't budge down n meet the Junior doctor and take random opinion n go back.
    I would wait until the expert come see my two files and advice me ( each files around 2 inches thick with all the previous prescription n treatment records ) . I would only be thinking "will this doc confirm me that achieving motherhood is impossible for you, you have exhausted all the options " so that I could think of next options. But none said that. Few would suggest newer tests cost of which would run into more n more lakhs , few suggested I should try the average embryo which was at the previous clinic. After all this consultations I realized the average grade embryo is precious and I should not afford to lose it. A couple of times we even got call from the clinic that the freezing charges are going up and we need to pay it. My husband had given up and did not want to go ahead with that embryo and did not bother to make payment to the clinic. But I did not want to give up. Even the 7 doctors whom I met before I used to go all alone because he simply had given up hope and used to get frustrated with waiting time etc. I promised myself one more attempt to try before I go ahead with PLAN B . So don't give up girl. There is light at the end of the tunnel .

    Shift your focus: Yes fighting this battle continuously is tiring but slightly channelizing your energy in a different direction helps. When I went ahead with that last embryo transfer I was simultaneously working on my Plan B. I am not comfortable as yet to share what that is but I Shifted my focus towards that. I had treatment happening but my focus was not on the success or failure of that . Rather my focus was on a couple of other things. Success happened and it surprised me. So if at all you have plans of starting your treatment again try this method .

    Eliminate stress factors : Identify what is causing is stress and try to eliminate that . I found out my job , the never ending calls with US team , the travel to the workplace etc was all giving me a lot of stress and decided to take a step back and stay at home. Yes I left job Covid happened I would have had a great work from option during my treatment - what not if I think now(that is an other struggle). But at that point of time I wanted to eliminate the stress and pushed for a sabbatical . For various reasons it did not work out but I decided to pause my career . Yes I am finding to hard to find a stable job now but then I am happy I could achieve one dream . So one dream at a time for me . The dream of making it big in career will happen eventually . All I need is patience.

    Find your tribe : Depending on mother, sister or a friend for an emotional support while dealing infertility is something I should not have done and I will advice you the same. I learnt this the hard way . They simply cannot relate to our feelings nor understand how lost we feel in this battle. Only those who are struggling like us will understand and provide support . I used to follow a lot of insta accounts of similar women struggling like me . I befriended a beautiful woman L from a different country and we both fought the battle together . Every other day we exchanged chats and we had so much in common to share . She is such a buddy who helped me deal my Miscarriage and I stayed sane with her support . Neither my mom nor sis nor my husband helped me come of the mental trauma I was facing. So likewise find your tribe with whom can connect and you know I am always there for you . :)

    Prioritize yourself : Some excellent suggestions above by many . I am not adding more . All I want to say is child or no child you are a special person who needs special self care . So go on pamper yourself . Do what gives you happiness . Slowly eliminate all the "favors" you are doing for the near and dear ones . Baby sitting their children or being an agony aunt for your mummy , eliminate them . See just because u left job you are not entitled to look after the kid when SIL is working in other room . She will figure out ways to handle her work n kid. You took a break for a purpose . Let that be your priority . Focus on other things which will give you small happiness.

    Sharing few other things :
    Our minds work so similar . I used to have exact same feelings but trust me nothing changed after baby . We live in a fantasy world assuming everything will change after baby but NO.

    Don't do the chores . Work on ways to get it done by other family members or get help for doing it.
    focus on getting back to work . My above para Shift your focus - read that again. Shift focus but don't give up on the treatment.

    I just went with the flow n typed so much . Not sure where it will help you but even if one or two points help you I would be happy.

    Let's catch up on the positivity thread :) I really miss you there Giri.
     
  3. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    @Anusha2917
    YOUR
    Holistic views with pragmatic suggestions would go long way in soothing OP's hurt mind and certainly uplifting.
    I wish to quote your post in which you wrote to God a challenge that you would face upfront and wouldn’t stop until you succeed. But unable to get that thread reference .

    I second the nomination by committee panel member @iyerviji of this heart touching useful response AT #13 above to OP UNDER SEVERE STRESS
    God Bless.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2021
  4. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Dear @Giri12 ,

    Hugs to you girl. I am here, thanks to the number of smiles you have brought in the positivity thread and to ask you join us with your modified goals in our 75 hard challenge thread The ‘75 Hard’ Challenge I am sure everyone in that thread will agree that we all plan to stay there for looong, you will have company for small steps towards a happier and better you along with us.

    Hope to see more of you - best wishes on your journey. Remember we are all here for you, cheering for you, praying for you and rooting for you. Much love!
     
  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Anusha2917,

    Your response to Giri brought tears to my eyes.
     
  6. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    @Giri12, @Anusha2917 said everything that needed to be said. I hope you take her words to heart. Your cheerful posts on the positivity thread never fail to brighten my day. I’m so sorry you’ve been having a rough time. Vent all you need to but don’t lose hope. Trust that it will all work out in the end. Hugs to you!
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Very touching reply Anusha,
    Find your tribe as @Anusha2917 mentioned is very important. Only those going through similar pain can understand it well. When I struggled with a health issue, joining a facebook group only for that problem, helped me a lot. It gave me a feeling that I am not alone, gave me lot of ideas on how to tackle it, updates on new treatment options, helped me to count my blessings. Now I am managing it well even though there is no cure. Also, good friends who are ready to listen and comfort us, is also a great plus. Takecare.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2021
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  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    This second response cum advise from my philosopher friend @Viswamitra should serve as an elixir and for sure enhance OP's confidence in deal with situations seemingly stiff.
    Once again I reiterate op should pick up from here the best advise and follow in a dedicated manner. Op u are born to succeed.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2021
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  9. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Trust you had overcome the stress and adopted snd tried some of the techniques described in the the excellent feedbacks from experts. Trust you at present progressing well.
    GOD - why you cause stress to creations that secrete bad hormones?
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2021
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  10. Induslady

    Induslady Administrator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @Anusha2917 - I am not very regular in keeping up with many threads here. But @Cheeniya sir's Finest post announcement talking about your compassion for a fellow IL'ite during her trying times pulled me here. It is so obvious that you have written this response for @Giri12 from your heart. Love the way you have cheered her up and given some mental support.

    @Giri12 Hugs to you. Anusha's response sure would have lifted up your spirits. Go fight it out, vent all about your battle and take the necessary support from this community and many times it is the journey that matters irrespective of the destination. All the very BEST!
     
    Srama, Giri12, Viswamitra and 6 others like this.

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